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I miss her so much

margandy
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I never expected it to be this bad, I just miss her so much. Our involvement with cancer started end September 14 although with hindsight symptoms were there from June. Diagnosis you have Pancreatic Cancer with an expectancy of 12 months, Which I think fair to say we took that to be 3 months no change (enjoy as you can), 3 months restricted activities, 3 months bed or chair days with the final 3 months pain, pain relief hospice. Not helped when in Feb 15 Chemo was stopped advised it wasn't working, there is no more we can do.

Move on to joining Cancer Care Trials, once a week down to the Wirral where this hospital gave my wife LIFE. Apart from the odd tiredness you wouldn't know she had cancer.

Until November 16 with 3 admissions for low potassium, the last entered hospital on the Tuesday on the Friday she told me to bring x,y,z as she may well be coming home on the Saturday, alas it wasn't to be she sdvised me by txt so her Daughter and I visited at 2.00pm had a chat about who's who on the ward, the nurses, doctors etc. When at twenty to three she said she didn't feel too well, moved to sit up and immediatly fell back on the pillow and she was gone. No pain. no noise - how nice for her, how shocked we were.

We were shown to a comfort room and I'm afrraid I could hear myself wailing yet couldn't control myself, the nurses were brilliant.

I've since then called out her name for example if there was something on TV she might have been interested in and with the funeral plans at the end of the day i would want to show her what we had done that day.

As funerals go it was lovely, it was bound to be as she'd set too two years before and mapped it all out.

Now? now i'm on my own, missing her, feeling sorry for myself, compounded by my Parkinsons, I'd given up my driving licence in September as I felt uneasy driving. I just never expected itto be this bad, yes its been Christmas everyone has family and I wasn't going to accept "Oh you must come to us" their plans were mad, no way was I going to attend and spoil their day.

I guess people don't know what to say, so it's easier not to phone - but I wish they would.

Margandy

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    Hi Margandy, I am truly sorry for your loss. Your wife sounded like such a strong woman! She defied the odds and pushed on for two years, that is amazing. I recently lost my dad and my grief is a weird mixture of sadness and relief as he was Battling cancer and dementia. 

    I think you've got the right mind set when thinking of how nice it was her your wife to go so suddenly. The beauty of death is that it ends everything for them all the pain and the discomfort is gone. 

    You shouldn't feel like a burden at all, your friends and family would of wanted you there. If you feel like you need to talk and can't reach out to family then you've done the right thing coming here. I'm only ever a message away. I hope your pain gets easier with time. Just remember all the happy memories of your wife and know she's at peace now. 

  • Offline in reply to Char_rahc

    Hi, Thak you for your kind words I guess you too find the nights the worst. I''ve lost my faith in people right now, over 300 people came to her funeral on the 19th about 80 or so back to the house, how many people rang, emailed or called in since then - NONE!

    How many invites for a meal? well no communication - no chance of an invite, whinge over!

    My father had an expression which I've known to be true and that is " The group or circle you are in well consider that it is your hand stiring round in a bucket of water, withdraw your hand and the hole that remains is the amount you'll be missed" It's a sorry state but once you can accept that then you gain the strength to get on with life, but just at the moment boy do I need a cuddle, arms, the "R" Factor (aaarrrhhh). I miss her cuddles, I miss the chat, I didn't realise just how often i called out "If your going upstairs would you bring me down (what ever it may be). Surprisingly I was always a glass half full man. at them moment the glass is half full of tears. I've got to shake myself out of this. Lesley would expect better of me, tears yes but depression no. thanks for saying I could chat, it's made me feel better.

    M

     

     

      

  • Offline in reply to margandy

    It is a frustrating factor when people swarm around when you first lose someone and then disappear soon after. I think they assume that them paying their respects to the dead is enough, they never consider the living. 

    I don't think for a minute that your wife would be disappointed in you. I think she would be disappointed in the people that haven't been there for you. You have every right to feel the way you do, grief is not an easy journey. 

    Keep on talking and expressing how you feel. No matter how silly you think you sound or if you think no one cares because someone will always care. 

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