Hi Geri, 

I'm really sorry to hear that your husband Alan passed away from bowel cancer today and on behalf of the moderation team I just wanted to offer our sincerest condelences to you and your family.

I'm glad that you were all able to be with your husband, holding his hand and telling him that you loved him before he passed. Coping with the loss of a loved one can be very difficult, especially at the beginning when the pain is so raw but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Many members here have been in the same position and I'm sure they will post soon to offer their support and share their experiences with you. I have found some information about coping with grief on our website that may help at this time as well.

Post as much as you need to Geri and remember that we are here for you.

Kind Regards, 

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Gerimc

I don't come on here very often any more but as it was Christmas I found myself passing and saw your post. I remember your first post last February and thought I had to reply and say Hi.

I'm 52, I lost my wife Melanie about 15 months ago - I know how painful and frankly disorientating it is The good news is that it does get better - the bad news is it gets worse before it does.

If you're anything like me your mind is a whirlwind right now, an incredible seething mess of emotions, you may even be forgetting for a short while that he's gone before it all comes back and hits you with the full force. Sleeping's nearly impossible so you're tired too - it's a mess.

My best advice is to talk about it. talk about it to any friends that will listen and when you run out of them come on here and retell the story. I found it became ever so slightly easier with each retelling.

You may also find that there are parts of what has happened that are just too painful to remember and talk about. I couldn't talk about my wife's final moments for weeks after - I'm pleased and amazed that you have. If you have such memories put them out of your mind. Think of something else. In time you'll be able to look back on them and smile sadly but not now.

I think the hardest time is the first few months after the funeral. Right now there is so much to do to arrange, familly and friends come flooding in with hot tea and offers of help and sympathy. That ebbs away after the funeral and people go back to their lives and you're left with a hole in yours and that is the hardest time I think.

You'll find that grief is an ambush hunter. You will be going about your business then getting on with things and the sudden realisation of your loss will come rushing in. You need to develop strategies to deal with that. Be ready for it and don't sit and stew. Find things that you can do. I went to the Gym a lot,  some people may walk the dog or call friends or do housework or whatever but sitting and thinking about it at those times doesn't help and makes it worse.

I also say that at these times your mind is not your friend. I'm a pretty rational hard-headed kind of guy and I was amazed how much my mind would keep coming back to the most painful memories like a tongue probing a bad tooth. Don't let it. train yourself to avoid those memories right now. You'll be able to confront them and learn to live with them in time....just not now.

You won't believe this now it feels like you will never be happy again ...but you will...I promise you will. It'll be a different sort of happy but you will smile, you will laugh and you will be happy.

I healed quickly. We are made of strong stuff in my familly and Melanie was ill for many years and maybe I got a lot of grieving done up front.It may take longer for you but maybe not.

Be strong, be smart and you will survive this and be happy again

I promise

Graham

Hi Geri,

That's such bad news, even though it was long anticipated. I can't add anything to the good advice that has already been given except to say try not to spend too much time on your own over the next few weeks.

Best wishes

Dave

Hi I am sorry for your loss I lost my husband in July we had been married 40 years I totally agree with what graham has said, it's so hard trying to carry on without the one you love but we have to, I so feel for  you as your grief is so raw but I can remember being in that place, and yes every day will be different with different emotions, but you do have to take one day at a time one minute at a time you never stop missing them and the loneliness I think is always there but you learn to deal with it I hope you have family around you because you do need comfort  and support your not losing the plot a lot of us on this forum have been where you are now,  and to all those who gave me comfort when I first came upon this site I say thank you you are not alone there are so many of us that have lost a loved one and this our first Christmas without them but we have to find the strength to go on that's what our loved ones would want us to do godbless to you stay strong and I so wish I could give you a hug but I will have to send it instead my prayers are with us all love Maria xx

I am very sorry for your loss and I hope you can keep strong.

my gf died of cancer but I have realized that sometimes it's best. I'm not being horrible I promise but it's better he's not in pain.

friends are a massive help too. Keep close to your friends and family and they will support you and anyone on this forum will be happy to support you.

it is hard loosing a loved one but just remember that you are stronger enough to get through this 

lots of people love you and want you to be happy.

I lost my partner of 18 years in 2015. Although under different circumstances. It is so hard honey and everything you are feeling right now is so normal. I still am a bit lost but my cancer has kinda interrupted my grieving process. 

You will get through the next few weeks with all the jobs that need doing. It's still all a bit of a blur for me. But when the funeral is over and everyone goes back to their normal lives that's when I felt empty!

im not gonna say it gets better it just gets easier to cope with but it's a long road babe and if you ever want to chat let me know x

I know how you feel I lost my husband 23 years ago now I know it seems like a long time but for me it's like yesterday my babies was only young I had to rear them up on my own be mum and dad i lost my husband to stage four Cancer he was only 38 at the time so young so sad I am 63 now and he would of been 64 so sad xx