Hi Kayla,

Reading your message was so sad. My mum died last Sunday after a long battle against cancer and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. She was my best friend, my only true friend really. We would speak every day, all day. Instead of going out shopping with friends I'd go out with my mum. She was so easy to spend time with and was the biggest comfort to me in this life. Now that she's gone and I'm grief stricken, I miss that comfort more than ever. I go to bed early every night because I don't want to be awake thinking about the reality of my situation. I have my dad but I didn't realise how much his personality rubs me the wrong way. I find that he makes me feel worse about the situation, not better. My mum was the one that did that. She made me feel better about everything and anything. I went to see her body today at the funeral parlour and I can't describe to you how much of a comfort it was just seeing her face. I kept touching her hands and her face and even though she was stone cold I couldn't get enough of her. I felt like I wanted to get inside the casket with her and sleep there. If nobody had been there I might have! When it came time to leave I didn't want to go. I would have sat there all night just looking at her. Simply being in the same room as her body made me feel so much better than I've felt all week. Idk what I will do tomorrow after the funeral. The fact that she will be buried in the ground where I can't get to get really bothers me. I tried to explain how I felt to my dad and as usual he made me feel worse about the situation instead of better. What's worse is that I think he wants to stay with me now as he and my mother were together since they were teenagers and I don't think he will cope on his own. I want to do this for him because I love him and I promised my mum before she died that I would look after him and my brothers but I'm feeling so resentful about the fact that my mum isn't here and that he doesn't comfort me like she did, I'm not sure how it's going to work. Even thinking about my father in this way makes me think that he will die soon too, because I'm not appreciative of him. God takes everything away everything that we don't appreciate. This scares me. I don't want him to die too. I have two kids to take care of (I'm a single mum and their dad is beyond useless as a parent) so that keeps me going but in some ways I wish I was on my own because if I were, I'd end it. I just turned 37 and I'm not sure how I will be able to live the rest of my life, maybe 50 more years!!!!, without my mum. This fact alone convinces me that I am going to die soon too. There's no possible way I can survive that long without her. I don't think anything I've said will help you but reading your post helped me. I know that there are other people out there who are going through the same as me, or worse, and it forces me to feel grateful for what I have left. It's so tough because I want to take away the positive lesson of live every day to the fullest because who knows when your time is up but I don't know if I have the strength to keep going. The prospect of Christmases, birthdays etc without her makes me feel ill. My mum was very knowledgeable and had great taste so I would ask her opinion on everything; now who do I turn to? It seems like I am now the one to turn to, for my dad, my kids and my brothers, but I feel so small and insignificant compared to my mother who was such a powerful lady. I also feel resentful that I, the only girl left in the family, has this responsibility. Why can't one of the men in my family step up and take care of me instead? I don't know what to do. Some days I consider suicide and others I just get through by convincing myself that I have to be there for everyone else. I have no husband or partner, in fact I've been alone for 8 years and I don't think I will ever find someone. My mum was my someone for me and now she's gone. I can't believe how good my life used to be and I didn't even know it. I hope that you can find the strength within you to keep going and that I do too. 

Hi Kayla,

Reading your message was so sad. My mum died last Sunday after a long battle against cancer and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. She was my best friend, my only true friend really. We would speak every day, all day. Instead of going out shopping with friends I'd go out with my mum. She was so easy to spend time with and was the biggest comfort to me in this life. Now that she's gone and I'm grief stricken, I miss that comfort more than ever. I go to bed early every night because I don't want to be awake thinking about the reality of my situation. I have my dad but I didn't realise how much his personality rubs me the wrong way. I find that he makes me feel worse about the situation, not better. My mum was the one that did that. She made me feel better about everything and anything. I went to see her body today at the funeral parlour and I can't describe to you how much of a comfort it was just seeing her face. I kept touching her hands and her face and even though she was stone cold I couldn't get enough of her. I felt like I wanted to get inside the casket with her and sleep there. If nobody had been there I might have! When it came time to leave I didn't want to go. I would have sat there all night just looking at her. Simply being in the same room as her body made me feel so much better than I've felt all week. Idk what I will do tomorrow after the funeral. The fact that she will be buried in the ground where I can't get to get really bothers me. I tried to explain how I felt to my dad and as usual he made me feel worse about the situation instead of better. What's worse is that I think he wants to stay with me now as he and my mother were together since they were teenagers and I don't think he will cope on his own. I want to do this for him because I love him and I promised my mum before she died that I would look after him and my brothers but I'm feeling so resentful about the fact that my mum isn't here and that he doesn't comfort me like she did, I'm not sure how it's going to work. Even thinking about my father in this way makes me think that he will die soon too, because I'm not appreciative of him. God takes everything away everything that we don't appreciate. This scares me. I don't want him to die too. I have two kids to take care of (I'm a single mum and their dad is beyond useless as a parent) so that keeps me going but in some ways I wish I was on my own because if I were, I'd end it. I just turned 37 and I'm not sure how I will be able to live the rest of my life, maybe 50 more years!!!!, without my mum. This fact alone convinces me that I am going to die soon too. There's no possible way I can survive that long without her. I don't think anything I've said will help you but reading your post helped me. I know that there are other people out there who are going through the same as me, or worse, and it forces me to feel grateful for what I have left. It's so tough because I want to take away the positive lesson of live every day to the fullest because who knows when your time is up but I don't know if I have the strength to keep going. The prospect of Christmases, birthdays etc without her makes me feel ill. My mum was very knowledgeable and had great taste so I would ask her opinion on everything; now who do I turn to? It seems like I am now the one to turn to, for my dad, my kids and my brothers, but I feel so small and insignificant compared to my mother who was such a powerful lady. I also feel resentful that I, the only girl left in the family, has this responsibility. Why can't one of the men in my family step up and take care of me instead? I don't know what to do. Some days I consider suicide and others I just get through by convincing myself that I have to be there for everyone else. I have no husband or partner, in fact I've been alone for 8 years and I don't think I will ever find someone. My mum was my someone for me and now she's gone. I can't believe how good my life used to be and I didn't even know it. I hope that you can find the strength within you to keep going and that I do too. 

Hello Gilgamesh-123

I couldn't read your post and not pop on to say how sorry I am to hear about your Mother's passing.

From your post, it's clearly a difficult time for all the family but you also have the added responsibilities of caring for your children and now your Father as well. With all that you're juggling combined with the rollercoaster of emotions that grief brings I think it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed by everything. 

I wanted to signpost you to some sources of support that you may find helpful. Cruse is a charity that offers bereavement counselling. They offer a number of different support services and are available 7 days a week. Do have a look at their website. 

You can also call the Samaritans to talk to a trained volunteer 24/7. In those moments when you feel alone or that you're struggling, there is always someone available to listen and to help you through. 

If you've not recently spoken with your GP then I'd encourage you to get in touch with them as well. I'm sure that they would be able to offer you some support in coping with all that you're dealing with. 

Although it may not feel like it, you're doing really well at juggling all these things at the moment. It's really important that you look after yourself as well as everyone else and I'm sure that your Mum would want you to take care of you too.

Keep posting here on the forum if it helps. We've lots of members who have lost loved ones and I'm sure that they will support you as best they can. 

Best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

Thank you Jenn. I really miss my mum but it dies help to know that there are other people out there who are going through the same thing. I will try to speak with my GP but with covid it's so difficult to even get an appointment and I feel uncomfortable talking about this kind of thing on video chat. I've never spoken with Samaratins before but there's always a first time fir everything. Thanks for your advice and take care of yourself.