Hi Anna,

Thanks for your post. You say you thought you were coping but as a bit more time goes by, the full enormity of our loss sinks in. You have probably been kept occupied by informing family and friends plus the funeral and you didnt have much time to think about your loss. I found thats how I felt. I coped fairly well until after my mothers funeral and found it hit me harder after a few weeks had gone by. 

People say its gets easier in time, well I feel it more a case of us learning to adjust to a new way of life that will never be quite the same for there is someone special missing in our lives. The way I have coped is every time I have felt down and there have been plenty of these, is to remember the good times and the laghter we shared and there were lots of them to remember. I find this helps. I also remember the brave way she dealt with her cancer and I feel I owe it to her to cope as a way of honouring her memory..

As you have allready found, there will be good days and some bad days but you are doing the right thing by coming on here as like you I think this forum is the place to come.

Sending kind thoughts and best wishes your way and please let us know how your coping, Brian.

Hi Anna. I couldn't agree more with Bookworm.  My dad passed away 21 years ago. I can't even believe it when I type it because it seems about 5 years ago. Like Woodworm, I found the whole situation worse about 3 or 4 weeks after dad had died. The funeral had gone. People then stop asking if you are OK (or cross over the road to avoid you in my case). You start to miss your loved one something dreadful and of course it takes a few weeks to start to miss people so it's only natural that we would find it more difficult as time goes on. It's not an easy journey. It's the hardest thing I ever had to go through in my life. Like you I didn't want to do anything. Getting myself through each day was torture and I couldn't even think what my mother was going through or be in any way supportive because I was so wrapped up in my own grief. 6 months after dad had died, I remember sitting on the sofa, crying and thinking, "I miss him and life is never going to be as good again". Life wasn't as good for a long time because I saw him every day, we went out for meals with my parents every weekend, we went on holiday with them, dad spoilt me something rotton.. there was so much to miss and I thank him for this now because the reason it was so painful was because he loved me so much and he brought so much into my life. But it DOES get easier and the old line that everyone brings out in these situations of 'time is a great healer' couldn't be more true.  In the meantime, you cannot neglect yourself. As you say, your mum absolutely wouldn't want you to be ill and I would suggest keeping notes (or a diary) that you refer to every day.  The first thing on every page should be "make myself breakfast".. and make sure you do it.  I can understand you not wanting to cook and I'm not going to suggest you do but preparing cereal or toast is easy. If you really don't want to prepare meals that's fine, for now just do easy stuff. Buy in fast food if you have to.. I wouldn't recommend it normally but to get yourself over this awful time, do anything it takes. If you CAN face cooking, do something that can feed you for a few days like a casseole or soup. Things really will improve I absolutely promise you that. I was so mad with grief I really could have banged my head up a brick wall.  What you have to remember Anna is you were loved so much it's now painful to deal with, but you will deal with it.. you really will. 

Regarding those thoughts of "she won't see my wedding dress" etc. of course you will think these things. They are dreadfully painful things to have to deal with.  I was married when my dad died but I felt like that about him not seeing my daughters dress. 10 years later when my daugher got married, those horrible thoughts had long since gone and although I cried that day because I wanted my dad to see my daughter,  all I could think was, my dad would think she was absolutely beautiful.Those painful thoughts had long since gone.  Chat to your friends and family, read as much as you can about other people's experiences. It will help you realise the grieving process you are currently experiencing, whilst dreadful, is how we all have to cope with our loss... and now I quote another tried and tested line.. deal with it all a day at a time. Please come back and tell us how you are whenever you feel the need to. x

Hello lynne888, 

Thank you for your reply. 
I just can't believe how quick the time has gone. It doesn't feel like 4 weeks at all. Maybe because I had things to do, it didn't occur to me how fast time has gone. 

I can only imagine what my grandmother is going through right now ( my mums mum ). I'm going back to my country in less than 3 weeks now, it will be good to see her. She is coping well. I think she just doesn't want me to know how she actually feels. Knowing, that it will make me even sadder. 
It might sound selfish, but it was hard for me to listen to others saying : " it's only natural for kids to bury their parents, but it's not natural for parents to bury their kids.'' I am not saying that I disagree with it, but I don't think that losing a mother at the age of 22 is something that we should go through. And the fact that my mum was only 47. I know that cancer doesn't really care if you are 80 or 40 or even 5.. Unfortunately, everyone can have that horrible disease. 


I never thought that it will be hard for me to have a meal on my own. I never had problems with that. I used to love going to cafes on my own... 
But now it's just so weird not having mum here to join me. This is why it is much easier for me to cook when my partner is here on the weekends. 
I just had cereal and a pear, and now thinking about making a coffee. 
I was thinking the same, I just have to cook something that I will be able to re-heat for a few days.
Might even go to a local fish&chips later on, and get something from there. Will be making fajitas tomorrow. Looking forward to that. :)

Thank you very much once again! It's so nice to talk to someone who knows very well what I am going through!
Have a good day!

Anna 

Hi Anna.  The comments that people make when you have lost someone can feel very hurtful and often annoying. I remember only too well feeling angry at some of the comments that people made such as "he's better off now". My dad was 65 and we knew exactly 1 week before he died that he had cancer. He died the most awful, painful death, the sort that you read no one should have these days. I often think that people actually do not know what to say to you and because of this can often say the wrong thing.  This is so true of people who have been fortunte to not have lost anyone yet and so have absolutely no idea of the pain it will cause. They really do not mean to be hurtful and would probably be devastated to think they had said something to cause you any pain. 

You are right too that you are young to lose your mum and your mum was far too young to die. Yes people die younger than 47 and cancer doesn't car who it takes, even children, but that doesn't help you with your loss. This is your personal journey and if you feel you are too young and your mum deserved longer then that's how it is. It doesn't matter if someone else has lost someone at a younger age, this is your story and we all have one to tell and they are all very different.  Look up the different stages of grief. Anger is one. It's fine to feel all of these things. 

Visiting your grand mother will do you good.  I'm sure you will help each other and no doubt she has wisdom and age on her side and will be able to reassure you. I feel certain you will feel much better once you see her.  

One day at a time Anna. Take care. 

Lynne

Hello again! 
Thank you for being so supportive, Lynne! I really appreciate it! 

I do react differently to various things now. Like you said, some of the things others are saying can be extremely hurtful. I know that most of the time they mean well, and I am just overreacting, but ... 
There's another problem. Some of my neighbours are being extremely nosy, and that drives me insane most of the time. The problem is - they are in their late 70s. And I've been raised to respect, elderly people. Again - I know that they mean well. But some of them have been organising church related things without speaking to me first.  I do appreciate their willingness to help, but I as well would want them to respect my thoughts and ideas. 

My godmother keeps saying, that I am feeling this way simply because I am very, very tired. Most of the time I don't like to admit it because I had to be strong for a very long time. 

You too take care! 

Thanks again! 

Anna

Hi ..im so sorry for ur loss i understand...i lost my husband last year..and my kids have all left home..i dont feel like cooking at all...so i just blitz up some fruit yougurt and cold pressed juice..sometime i add a complan..it takes about 5 mins to do and i can just drink it..i know u dont feel like eating much bet this can help keep u going...try and stay strong...well that what everyone tells me..

Hi, eating is the last thing I want to do but your right, if you can manage something you do feel better . It's  the appetite thing with me I just never feel hungry and feel like I cannot fancy anything at all