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No feelings after mum passed away

Dani7
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My amazing mum passed away 6 months ago. She had four different tumours in the end. Mum was always there for me through thick and thin.  My problem is, I have no feelings about her passing, none at all. I haven't cried once, not even at the funeral. I haven't really felt sad, and this is making me feel guilty and confused. My dad is finding it hard, which makes it harder for me to understand why I am not grieving. Can any one help me understand why I have no feelings of grief or sadness, when I have lost such an amazing lady from my life x

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    Hi Dani7, Just read your post. My dad passed away just over a year ago and I have been exactly the same as you. Apart from tears at the moment he died, I haven't cried at all, not even felt like crying. He had Myeloma (bone marrow cancer) for 7 years and to be honest I think that I grieved for those 7 years (not crying, but had this feeling all the time of the inevitable, he was always going to die as they couldn't cure him). When he died I actually felt relief and a sense of calm. He died peacefully and unaware of what was happening and it all happened very quickly at the end. Literally the week before he'd been sat outside in the sunshine having a cuppa with us. To start with I felt confused like you. Why am I not grief stricken? But I honestly think I had been grief stricken for 7 years and feel so much better now knowing that it's all over and he's in a much better place. I also believe that we'll see each other again one day which probably also helps. I just thought I'd let you know my thoughts on this and would be interested to know whether you can relate to any of it. How long was your mum ill for? Do you think maybe you're similar to me and without realising were grieving all the time she was ill too? I hope this helps you. I also volunteered for Cruse Bereavement Care for a few years. We were trained in bereavement support and would visit people in their homes to offer support. So I understand that everyone deals with grief in different ways and there is no right way and no wrong way. If you google the stages of grief you may find you have already been through the emotions and stages of grief when your mum was alive. If you've got any questions don't hesitate to message me back. xx
  • Offline in reply to Bev55

    Hello Bev55,

    Thank you so much for your reply, I totally relate to your story.

    My mum lived with terminal cancer for nine years, and throughout that time I always knew that one day something would happen which would bring on the end. I have never thought about it in this way before, but I think maybe I did grieve during those years. Knowing for that length of time, that one day mum would pass away, maybe mentally and emotionally prepared me for the reality.

    I too felt relief and a sense of calm when mum passed. My dad cared for mum at home at the very end, and when she started the ‘end of life’ process I was able to sit with her and say goodbye and tell her how much I loved her etc, although it was too late a stage for her to respond. When my dad rang to tell me the news, I felt relief and calmness that her pain and suffering was over.

    I never speak to anyone about my mum, so thank you for your reply. Just reading your response, and being able to tell someone my story, has helped xx

  • Offline in reply to Dani7

    Hi Dani7,

    I'm glad it's helped.  It's helped me too.  Putting the words down on here has made them real.  For the first few months after dad went I kept thinking that I would be suddenly hit with grief.  I thought I must be holding it back and it would get me when I was least expecting it.  But that hasn't happened and I don't expect it to happen now.  Not too long ago I felt I had a light bulb moment, it's when I realised that I had already grieved and was now feeling relieved that Dad's fight (and it really was a fight the last 6 months) was over. Seven months before my dad passed away, my father-in-law passed away.  He had also endured 7 years of the fight with terminal cancer.  My husband reacted exactly the same way as we both have.  He hasn't cried since the day his dad passed either. We haven't ever talked about it.  And it's only talking to you now that has made me realise this. So when the time is right I plan to ask him about it too.

    It's been lovely chatting to you and thank you for telling your story.  I'm always here if you need to chat more xx

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