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Dealing with grief

Sammie2759
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Hi, 

My mum passed away from bowel and liver cancer on the 9th of July 2016 after a 2 and a half year battle. My brother and I had no idea how bad the cancer was and we were not aware of the liver cancer which has been really hard to deal with and accept. My brother is 22 years old and I am only 23; it is so hard for me to think that my mum won't be here anymore and it happened so quick! My mum was only 56 years old and her birthday is still coming up this year on the 27th of October how did this happen why did this happen ?!!!! I keep looking through all of our text messages I just dont know how I will ever come to terms with not being able to talk to her everyday. I lived with her my whole life and we had the closest bond it feels like someone had kicked me in the stomach and taken all of my air. The doctors had me on anti anxiety medication for a month when I ran out I decided not to go back on them now all of the grief the medication was blocking has hit me all at once like a force of nature. I feel like I want hide from the world and everyone to leave me alone I get so angry sometimes at nothing I don't know what to do......

I also have these vivid dreams where I keep asking mum why she didn't tell me and asking her why she had to die, in one of them she was running late for work and I turned to her and said I had a horrible dream that you died all of a sudden realization hit her and then she comforted me like normal and I asked her the same questions and balled my eyes out. I then also wake up balling my eyes out its hard because I want to have the dreams so I can see her but at the same time they are really upsetting to go through because when they start off normal I want them to be real and when they're not I get really upset. 

I am finally going to get some grief councelling maybe talking to an impartial person will help a bit better than talking to family as they get upset talking about her understandably. 

 

 

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    Hi Sammie,

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    My dad died in March after a year battle with lung cancer. I'm only a couple of years older than you and it's so hard to come to terms with your loved one and role model not being there.

    I have similar experiences with my dreams. I dream about him and when I realise I'm dreaming I just keep telling him it's not fair, and he comforts me. But when you wake up its like you've lost them again :(

    I know everyone says it and it is hard to believe but you learn to miss them without it hurting as badly as it no doubt does right now. My dreams have become less frequent recently, my flashbacks have reduced too, as well as my panic attacks. I still will have a good couple of weeks, then maybe a bad few days etc, but then back to a good couple of weeks again.

     

    If it helps, here's some advice of what I've learned/experienced dealing with the grief.

    Like you I saw the doctor, he prescribed medication which didn't work out for me personally. But I would encourage you to check in with your doctor every now and again. They recommended for me to go back and see them every few weeks, and now I'm getting a bit extra support for my panic attacks etc.

    I have been seeing a counsellor, and like you say it can be very helpful to talk to someone who is more impartial. I contacted Cruse and they were lovely and I am near the end of my 6 sessions now. It's good to talk to someone without worrying if you're going to upset anyone, who can help you maybe see things in a different perspective and allows you to just get all the things your thinking out of your head. I know everyone is different, but my experience with them has been very positive :)

    The biggest thing is just to take everything in your own time. If you need time to yourself then take it. Taking time to look after yourself is precious at the moment. Try not to shut yourself from those who love you though, they will appreciate that you might want time alone, but they want to be there to support you when you need it :)

     

    I hope this helps in some way. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

     

    Please take care :)

     

    Jeni

  • Offline in reply to jen48

    My husband died on 9th june this year after a 6 year battle with lymphoma its a very difficult illness to deal with not just for the patient but for the family who feel helpless and worthless x

  • Offline in reply to jen48

    Thank you it helps to know I am not the only one going through this.

  • Offline in reply to Sammie2759

    Hi Sammie,

    You really are not alone with all this.

    My Mum passed away a few weeks back, after just a 3 week battle with lung, liver, and bone cancer.

     

    Like you, my moods are all over the place.

    But do you know what I hate the most?  Taking it all out on people who just ant to comfort me...  I feel so guilty for it.

    I'm really sorry about your Mum.

     

    I'm not going to try and offer any advice, because I'm in the same place as you, and I'm struggling to.

    But what I will say, is try to eat properly.

    I didn't eat for days, and I felt so much worse. 

     

    Take care ok?

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