Struggling....

On 11th December 2015 my husband, John, then aged 56 was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. They told him he was stage 3 being limited to his right lung and right lung lymph node, it was inoperable but it was curable. He was a fit and otherwise healthy man so just before Christmas they started the first of 4 cycles of chemotherapy followed in the New Year by 15 sessions of radiotherapy on his lung and then in April he had 10 sessions of brain radiotherapy as a precaution.

As expected the chemo and radiotherapy made him very unwell with a couple of spells in hospital but in May 2016, we were given a very positive review 'an excellent partial response' that his cancer had very dramatically reduced to almost nothing and they were very hopeful that what was left that they could see would be scar tissue.

Absolutely elated we took a one week restful holiday in Portugal at the end of May and were looking forward to the future.

It wasn't long though before John began feeling unwell again though; pain in his abdomen, aching joints, numbness in his chin and very tired. We made several visits to our GP and were referred a couple of times to A&E however John was given blood tests and his obs were recorded but each time he was discharged and the symptoms put down to the after effects of the chemotherapy.

On the 2nd July, John felt so ill that he decided he needed to go to hospital and he was admitted with suspected pancreatitis. They treated him, gave him scans and then on the 7th and 8th July we were given the terrible news that his lung cancer had spread to his pancreas and liver and that he had months to live.

He told them to discharge him and he came home on Friday 8th July. We had the Saturday, Sunday and Monday together, 3 lovely days but on Tuesday 12th July he had a funny turn, we called out the paramedics, but John refused to go back into hospital. Wednesday morning our GP came round and he finally agreed to be admitted.

His remaining time was then reduced to weeks and quickly to days and on Sunday 17th July my darling husband passed away aged just 57, I am absolutely lost, I can't accept he is gone, I can't face life in the future and just go into a blind panic at the thought of life alone without John. I can not get my head around it at all.

2 weeks prior to John's death, I lost my dad as well 5 days and nights spent sleeping in a hospital chair while he was on end of life care.

I am grieving for both of them.
 

  • I understand what you are feeling, I lost my husband who was 51 years of age. He had unknown primary cancer that spread to his liver. He was told the news on the Tuesday and died on the Saturday. I am absolutely deverstated how it could happen so quick, I really believe that this is hell we live because how cruel this world really is. XXXX

  • Cancer is an aggressive and cruel disease... It is pure evil.

    So sorry about your husband xxx

  • I am so sorry. Grief is so painful. I try to think of only one day at a time. I book things into my diary, only a week ahead to start with, but now after 15weeks a few weeks ahead. I see my good friends and new ones, I try to do lovely things with them, then I come home alone and cry and grieve. I've been to a wedding and a funeral and to France and Scotland. I'm told I'm brave and doing all the right things but my heart is broken. Life has lost its joy. Yet I find that my love is still strong, both for my departed husband and for others. I know that I have to be honest with myself and my friends who are good listeners and this helps. Grief comes in waves, some of which take me by surprise and knock me off my feet. But slowly they become gentler again and don't last for quite so long with longer gaps in between. I cry every day. But I have hope that I will work through this process eventually, however long it takes. You will find ways to help yourself in time and it is different for everyone so be patient and gentle with yourself, work through each wave of grief and stand until the waves become more gentle once the storm has passed. 

  • Hi GeeBaby,

    I am so sorry to hear of your lovely husband John's passing and also that of your dear dad.

    I have no words. Thinking of you all at this very sad time. X

  • Hi GeeBaby, 

    I am so sorry to hear of both your dad and your husband's passing. I know there's nothing i can really say to make you feel better, but wanted to send my thoughts your way. Cancer is a terrible disease. :(

  • Thank you

  • Thank you