My dad died on Friday.He died four days after my 26th Birthday.It doesn't feel real,I still feel as though he will just walk in through the door.He hid how sick he was from my mum and me for a long time.He has always protected me as I'm his only child.He came out of hospital 3 weeks ago,the nurses told us it would probably be weeks before he passed. He seemed like he had improved then after the first week a Macmillian nurse told us to give him 8 sachets of laxido,which I think was a lot, he hadnt been the toilet in a week or so.This caused him to get very weak and resulted in him not being able to keep anything in that he ate.He then developed a chest infection ontop of this and pressure sores.Over the second week he went up and down, my mum cleaned and changed him because he wouldn't let the carers.We cared for him 24/7 and last Thursday the district nurses told us things were changing quickly for my dad.I sat by his bed at home most of the day just holding his hand.My mum and me were determined to stay up with him all night and be there with him.Exhaustion gave way and we went to bed around 4am.The following morning at 8.30 my mum was screaming,I ran downstairs to find my dad had gone in his sleep.He had been there for a few hours judging by how stiff he was.I have never been in so much pain,we screamed and cried and finally gave in and called the Doctor who confirmed he had passed.My dad turned into a shell of himself, he lost so much weight,lost control of his body completely and was in pain.He became someone I didnt recognise and it broke my heart seeing such an independant and strong man change so rapidly.I don't know how to deal with my emotions, I'm angry with people for still having there dads and I feel guilt that I wasn't by his bed when he passed and then there is just the empty numb feeling.
