Hello there

im so sorry to hear about your mum. It sounds like everything happened very quickly and no wonder you are so confused if everything was OK one day and then your world turned upside down the next and now you are dealing with the loss of your mum and no doubt 100 questions in your head as to how and why this could have happened. I think when cancer is diagnosed, certainly from my own experience, your world falls apart and will never be the same again. Especially if you don't have a lot of time after the diagnosis to get your head around things. 

My mum was diagnosed with lung cancer which on 22 March, she started radiotherapy on 5 April and received 4 sessions, she was readmitted to hospital on 9 April with severe dehydration and we were told that the cancer was too aggressive and treatment wasn't working. My mum stayed in hospital for 5 weeks and then asked to get home where she hung on for a further 6 weeks. I can't get my head around the fact that she is gone. Her funeral was Saturday and it still doesn't feel real. I miss her so so much. We were told she had days to go in April but managed another 3 months. We thought we were prepared but absolutely nothing has prepared me for the loss I'm feeling. It's unbearable and life doesn't feel worth living without her at the moment. People offer words of comfort like she isn't suffering anymore but why did my lovely mum have to suffer at all. I hate cancer, I hate what it does to people, how it tears families apart and leaves people feeling like this. To see such a strong person succumb to this horrific disease is unbearable. I want my mum back so much, I want to go back in time and we will go to the doctor and they'll catch it in time and everything will be ok. I hate to think about how scared she must have been when she was told she had cancer. Although myself and brothers were with her every single day since her diagnosis, she must've felt so alone with this disease. I hate the fact that life just continues for everyone else, they attended a funeral on Saturday but life is back to normal now but not for me and my brothers. I'm sorry I sound so angry and bitter but I just miss her so badly, it's a physical ache and longing for her. I need her back, she was my rock and absolutely everything to my family. 

The only thing which gives me a slight lift is knowing that my mum wouldn't want me to feel like this, I should be strong for her, strong like she was and do what I have to do to learn to live without her and also that if it was me who was gone I would want my son to be strong and find happiness eventually without me with the support of our family and friends. Life has to go on, my head does tell me there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel and one day we will see it, we just have to struggle on until we get there. I am planning a wee tea party for my mum for some of her friends as she has left gifts for me to hand out and I'm looking forward to that as it will be a day where we talk about my mum and remember her by playing the music she loved and looking at photos of her and telling stories about her. 

I hope you are ok and hope today is a better day for you. I think you have to do what helps you and if that means sleeping in her chair then just keep doing that and taking things day by day. Don't rush yourself to feel better. I do find coming on here and chatting to people with the same or similar experience helps. 

Take care xxx