I can relate so strongly to this post. My family have been through such a smiliar situation. My father passed away from a brain tumor in 2016 just days before my sisters 16th birthday, in the run up to my A levels and her gcses. Different to your situation my Dad was ill for a while so it was less of a shock but still somthing I never processed was actually going to happen. Now its just me, mum, and my younger sister. 

Being that it was a busy time of my life, in my first year of college and A levels I found myself to be living 2 different lives. My home life which was my scary, sad, harsh reality, and my college life in which I could be the old me, the happy bubbly always smiling me, where the distress and heartbreak didn't have to be real. Although in the long run I realise that this wasn't the wisest decison as it left me alone in terms of coping, its what I felt at the time necessary, I needed something to stay the same. I'd have never gotten into univeristy if i'd let life get me down and distract from what I needed to be doing and working hard. But now i still feel like its raw, I still dont feel whole and i'm not sure I ever will again. I'm constantly thinking about how I didn't fully know him, I think an re think about everything i ever said, every oportunity to tell him i loved him that i missed. I think about it all of the time....

But I think thats normal, sometimes you forget that other people have been through the same thing, the isolation and unfarness you feel takes over, but i can guarantee you're not alone. 

I really hope you're doing well now and that you know that its ok to not to be ok. I do wonder will I ever feel like the person I was before, but in reality people change, everyone changes. Its about adaptation and using what you have and have been through to be the best version of yourself. It would be unfair to compare 17 year old me to 19 year old me because we are totally different people. 

Reading your storys helped me realise all of this too, because as silly as it sounds sometimes i do get upset and angry about why my dad, why me, why us.....where in reality i'm in no means alone.

Sending my Love

L xx

Hi L,

Just by chance I checked my emails and saw a notification from this website. I completely forgot about ever using this website or having made that original post 3 years ago, so logging on and reading your reply overwhelmed me completely with emotions. At first, I felt immense sadness (first, upon reading my original message for the first time in 3 years and then upon learning of your similar loss) and then I felt a happiness and relief to hear from someone in the same situation as me after all that time.

In those 3 years, I've never met someone who suffered the loss of a parent due to a brain tumour at 16/17. But I was even more shocked to read that your dad passed the same year as mine, and is survived by your mum, sister and yourself, just like me. I'm also 19 and in University, thanks to the dedication I displayed in pursuing my exams at that difficult time, like you too.

I can relate completely to how you feel in regards to having a different personality around other people in college. I was the funny, bubbly and confident girl, so when I learned of my dad's terminal illness and when he passed, I felt the need to keep this personality up. As the big sister and the closest support for my mum, I felt the weight of the responsiblity to help ease the trauma of the reality of the situation and keep everyone else happy. I think being so upbeat in school was partially out of a need to fit in and be a normal teenager, while facing such an abnormal situation. But in reality, I was crumbling behind the mask. Keeping up this 'happy' personality for so long was damaging, it forced me to disconnect from my real emotions and numb myself. 

Now I sometimes feel the effects of this, struggling to confront the reality of my loss. I don't think I've fully grieved the loss of my dad as it was so hard to comprehend at that age. But now, I find myself more open to grief. I know that it's the natural process of such a massive loss. After his passing, the topic of my dad was a raw and touchy one. But with time, it's becoming easier to even saw the word "cancer" or bring up old memories, which is replacing the trauma and heartbreak of his death with the happiness of his life.

I also understand exactly what you mean regarding looking back and regretting certain situations. I always focus on times when I snapped at my dad when he was ill and feel horribly guilty or times that I missed certain events that now, I would do anything to go back and experience with him. Regretting our past actions is a natural process, but the reality is that no one gives you an instruction manual on the loss of a parent due to cancer at such a young age. Our actions were all just part of the attempt to handle terminal illness and the confusion of being a teenager.

I think our dad's wouldn't want us to regret a moment with them. 16/17 years is too short of a time to have with a parent and definetely not long enough for regret.

Shortly after my dad's passing, a teacher at my school took me aside and told me that her father had also passed at a young age. She didn't say much but told me she had one piece of advice, "There will be times when you don't think about your dad. Maybe it's for a day, a few days or a week. Don't feel guilty, ever. You're not forgetting him. He's always with you." At the time, I didn't understand what she meant. My dad was constantly on my mind. But with time, sometimes a day or a few go by and I haven't actively thought of him. Her advice helped me combat the guilt of feeling like I had forgotten him. I don't know if you needed to hear that but understand that you will never forget your dad.

Our dad's are always with us. They were 50% of our creation and can be seen in our eyes, smiles, actions, personalitys and expressions. Our dad's are alive within us. Our existence is a tribute to them.

At times now, grief can be hard. It feel like each stage in life brings new obstacles. Starting University meant meeting lots of new people and having to tell new friends about my dad's death, which is always a challenging situation. Sometimes I worry about getting older, getting married and having children - without my dad to see these events.

But I really do believe our dad's are watching over us. We will never forget them and they live within us and the happy stories we tell about them. Maybe we'll meet them again. 

I think our dad's would be proud of the people we have become and our achievement of getting into University. I'm proud of you. I understand what you've overcome and it's amazing.

Finally, I just want to say how deeply grateful and moved I am by your response. 

Reading my original post upset me, as I understood just how young I was back then, but it mainly broke my heart remembering how lonely and isolated I felt. I had all sorts of horrible thoughts back then. I was completely isolated and felt I had no way of expressing my grief or emotions. I think I turned to this website as an attempt at connection and understanding. 

Three years later, I recieved what I came here in 2016 looking for.

Your reply will always stay with me. Especially in moments of loneliness.

We truly are in no means alone.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, L.

Jodie x

Hey, I am so sorry that you, your mum and little sister are going through such a terrible heartache, there is nothing anyone can say to take your pain away, but we are all here to support and encourage you. My son who is 13 lost his dad last May to a brain tumor, it was very hard for me to watch him go through the initial stages of his grief, and I didn't know how to help him. I just did what was natural, cuddles, let him cry or just lay and go to sleep with him. 

You are far stronger than you can imagine, even if right now you are lost in grief, it will get better. Try and connect with your little sister, sounds like she needs it. Talk about dad, all the good things, funny memories. Do a memorial for him somewhere you guys can go and spend time to remember your dad. 

Your mum and sis need you right now, be strong and know you will be all right. 

Xx

Hi Gemma,

Thank you so much for this reply. It's been six years now since I lost my father (I can't believe it) and I posted to this website at just sixteen. I felt helpless & lost. I was keeping a lot of emotions to myself, struggling with depression and PTSD from witnessing my dads deterioration.

I cannot stress to you how lovely your reply is. I understand how horrible a brain tumour is and the impact grief has on a family. You are an amazing support to your son and I hope you are looking after yourself also.
 

It's become a lot easier to talk about my dad, share memories, and start to remember the good times. I'm approaching graduation at university now and I've felt sadness knowing my dad won't be here to see it, but I read a beautiful poem which finished with the line: "And when I turned to face grief I saw that it was just love in a heavy coat".

Grief is just love. You're doing an amazing job and I promise you, your son will always admire the strength and love you provided in those teenage years.