Hello Coco_coco,

While waiting for others to come and give you some advice, I just wanted to send you our condolences on behalf of all the Cancer Chat team. We are so sorry to hear your mum passed away only last weekend. Today must be quite hard for you.

Best wishes,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi there

Read your post and was hoping to offer some advice. Having planned my own father's funeral I appreciate how stressful and difficult it can be especially when you just want to be able to grieve and not worry about all the other stuff. People came to my dad's funeral who hardly knew him as a mark of respect for my family. It meant a lot. There will be people wanting to pay their respects that you might not know well or think your mum didn't know that well, but just think she's obviously made a special impact on them that they'd want to say bye by attending. I don't think it's unreasonable if there's someone you know your mum didn't get on with, for you to say they're not welcome. I had an uncomfortabke chat with my dad's sister when he was sick and after he died because they came out of nowhere as if they'd been there all along. I knew it would stress and upset my dad even more if they made contact so I took the decision to keep them at arms length in the hope he got better and could speak to them properly himself and establish a relationship but unfortunately things processed too quickly. Regardless, having that chat hasn't caused me anymore stress or upset. My dad's still gone and that is what hurts more than any family or so called friend can do to me/us. Anybody I didn't want coming was already hardly in my life or not at all so the aftermath has had little impact. 

The day will be hard regardless of who is or isn't there and it's so hard to please everyone. 

I hope you manage to sort things out for yourself and your family.

God bless you and your family. 

Jolene 

Hi there Coco

When my brother-in-law died he hadn't wanted a religous funeral - my wife promised to chase away any priests with a stick! But that was never going to happen his wife was so dreadfully upset and quite religous so it was the full Catholic with all the bells and smoke and went on for hours but you see it was for her not for him.

Likewise when my wife died she'd said a small funeral but there were nearly a hundred people who wanted to come, she was in the local paper and we held a sale of her artwork for charity - we didn't exactly have the horse drawn hearse but it wasn't small! and for us it was marvellous

Thing is people have different beliefs but we'regenerally fairly athiestical in our familly and do take the view that the funeral is for the living and not for the dead. Now you may or may not feel that way but my advice for what its worth is to consider her wishes but not let yourselves be ruled by them.

This is a chance for you and your familly to say goodbye and you should have the day organised the way that helps *you* to do that as best you can - if you want the service to be just close friends and familly say so - don't make it about her wishes - make it about yours.

Less close friends will fully understand if you say you want a private familly funeral and a more public thanksgiving service but by saying its what she wanted you open it up for debate "did she or didn't she?"

You're the ones grieving and its totally fine that you make the decisions about how it happens,

Whatever you decide I'm sure you'll have so many people sharing their memories and telling you how wonderful she was that in a funny way you will actually have a great day remembering her.

I have organised my own funeral and felt the way to overcome the problems you are worrying about was to have a church service where whoever wants to come can do.   My husband and children, plus a couple of very close friends will then leave the church and go to the crematorium for a very private service and the cremation. There will be no after-party, I hate that after a funeral - it seems so inappropriate to me.

I felt that if my family leave the church and there is no wake, it will save them the awful task of having to make polite conversation and go through the same trivia with everyone who leaves the church.  True friends will be in touch soon enough to ensure they are ok and will be there for them.

Much love to you and your family. I don't honestly think you will care who is there on the day - your thoughts will be with your lovely Mum and immediate family x

Thank you all for your replies, especially JScotford. In the end, I am so glad that the crematorium was private just for close family only. I was surprisingly ok at the funeral and the tea, I think it was good for me to see Mum's friends, some from her groups who she had talked about but I had never met and hear their memories. There were a couple of folk I had met out with her and they had been distant as if they were scared of cancer/illness and I was a bit put out they had showed up when they clearly did not want to be there for Mum when she was ill but they have to pay their respects. My Mum was a private person but I guess I can be proud that she touched so many lives. There were a couple who didn't introduce themselves which I though was rude but didn't realise till later that it might have been a lady who shared a room with Mum back on a holiday a while ago, and relayed her life story to her.

As for my uncle, he didn't show up. I phoned him before and before I could explain the situation he ddin't want to speak and, to cut a long story short, then started going on about somebody lying, etc. My dad's side of the family haven't been in touch which shows the measure of them, considering we are the ones mourning. The funeral director was in such a rush to get the obituary in the newspaper and I was in such a daze as the rest of my family, we didn't actually tell anyone when the funeral was happening besides reading the paper. I did phone my Mum's brother to invite him along to the cremation a few days before but he said they had already arranged plans with the car, etc. And maybe it should be immediate family. I did feel guilty about this as I think mum would have wanted her brother there at the cremation but I think he was offended nobody got in touch earlier but nobody was really coping. I did phone and invite him again but in the end, although I think she would have wanted him there, his wife and daughter and son we haven't seen or spoken to in years, so at the cremation were those closest. Some of my Church friends wanted to come along but Mum was never into organised religion, a couple of them coming along would have been ok, but not 10/15 I think were planning to! A good friend of mine was there though as she knew Mum when we were at school and a couple of my colleagues, albeit the ones Im not necessarily closest with.

Sorry for the long story, one thing I was surprised about was that I didn't feel like crying at the funeral. I had tears in my eyes as soon as I heard Mum's song at the crematorium. I thought I would be inconsolable. Is this my body's way of coping? Last night was a the first time I've managed to get a half decent sleep since Mum went. Why am I not crying all the time?  I can only take it a day at a time, I can't imagine I'm going to be spending the rest of my life without my best friend and the only person who really ever understood me. Perhaps this is a coping mechanism!?!

Good morning - I'm glad it went off ok for you.  Regarding not crying if it's any consolation I haven't cried much either.  I didn't shed a tear on the day of the funeral and only cry a little when I see her things.  That doesn't mean the pain is any less or that I'm not feeling the loss.  We are all different - some cry, some rage, some exercise, some drink, some eat, some don't eat ..... you may find now that the worry of organising a funeral is over you relax a bit.  I felt as though I was on show the day of the funeral ... now everyone has gone and the phone calls, emails stopped I'm on my own.  Not pleasant but it's just how it is.  I hope that things become a little easier for you.