Lost my one and only

Need to talk..my name is jess I'm 37 ..

.. im devastated  lost my partner  tony who was 36 to stomach cancer he passed away in my arms on 4th December  2015 ... just 2 months ago 

He was diagnosed  just 4 months before we was told he had a year and with treatment possibly longer ... we didn't get the chance to sort or arrange  or get anything  set in stone as we was gonna get over Xmas and start to deal with things. ..we was in so much shock to find out he had cancer and was gonna die that the shock took over everything  every day was hard ... 

We was ment to get married the day he died in fact it was booked for half 9 in morning but he died at 6 .. we didn't even make it ... before tony was diagnosed  we had so many plans to marry to have kids together  to travel etc.... we didn't get to do any of that... God I miss him terribly  .. I dont want to be here no more ... a part of me died the day tony died ... 

I have tried to get help from everywhere doctors friends searching constantly  on line ... I have had 3 bereavement  sessions so far no nothing seems to help i have friends  I talk to but nothing seems to help i know everyone saying it's still so early and raw  but I can't take this the pain is there all the time the tears are constant crying all the time .the feeling sick all the time the anxiety I don't sleep till about 4 or 5 only for few hours and I have horrible dreams  ... thousands  of things running through my head the guilt the anger the whats ifs etc....

I looked after my tony my love.. I was there 24 7 by his side ..took control of his Meds appointmentso everything  as he couldn't take it all in ... now I'm here and he isn't. This is cruel illness and world I just want to be with him .......... help ...

 

  • Hi Jess, like you I lost my husband suddenly last July. He had pancreatic cancer which had spread to his liver and lymph nodes. It was only 4 weeks from diagnosis to his passing.  It completely destroyed me as we had been married 50 yr.  Like you I did not want to be here without him and did something silly ( which I now regret ) but was saved by my family and friends who cared enough about me to check up to see why I had not been in touch. I now realise that I was not being fair to my son's and my grandchildren who  were also grieving. I still miss my hubby so, so much and do'nt know how to move forward but people tell me that it will get easier, so I have to believe them. I find it a comfort to lay his photo beside me in bed, strange I know, but it gets me through the night, ready to face another day. I also talk to him as I go about my daily routines as if he is still there and yes I scream at him for leaving me - we all deal with grief in a different way and I am sure you will find your own way. Sending healing hugs to you xx

  • Hi Jess,

    You gave your Tony the love he needed. Your pain is so much because you had so much love for him. But hold in there. As he wouldn't like to see any harm to you.

    I know the pain inside, can make you could wish you could stop it by any means. But a loved one would not what you to do something silly.

    I don't know why horrible things happen to good people.

    I'm sorting thing out with my brother who was horrible to my parents and me. As mum has died a few months ago and I loved so much. Not spoke to him  for years. So know how you feel.

    Maybe look for a bereavement group, who meet up every week.

    Sameboat

     

    Sameboat

  • Cfeast yep they do owe him big time ... all I have is a phone nunber for the dad ..

    But I really don't want to bring them into it .. I have got two charities  to apply for so going to give them a try ..

    I just can't ask that family for nothing.... im gonna try my best to sort this ... 

  • Allingham I'm going to C.A.B Monday to see what other help i can get. . I did speak  to the funeral directors  twice now and nothing they can do to help .... the man who owns the place told me at Xmas before the funeral I needed 2000 for the deposit otherwise no funeral so I borrowed as he assured me I'd get the funeral payment of social fund .. now so angry as I borrowed of a neighbour who lost her husband 2 months before tony so I feel awful and got to sort this 

  • Hi thermal no not strange  at all I have photos of tony everywhere and beside my bed with his ashes I kiss every day and morning. .. I carry around his belongings  as In his drivers license his bank cards a necklace with his hair in it ... I have become obsessed with him ... I was pretty much like that when he was alive and now even more .. I talk to him all the time as he never ever leaves my head ... thank you for your message I'm trying so much so try cope ... sorry for your loss too xx

  • Same boat thanks for your message and sorry for your loss xx

    I am with bereavement  group on line that maggies put me with and I'm looking for something maybe face to face I'm also with cruse  they come once a week but he is off till 2nd March now .... so gutted about that ....

    Hope you sort out problems with your brother. . As for tony family they is nothing to sort as they are a very strange  family. . Very cold .... they don't see what they ever done wrong they blame everything  on my tony ... theres just no talking or discussing anything  with them I see tony go through hell with them all but yet he was always made to crawl back and say sorry for no reason they made him and ways say sorry. .. my poor man .... they are disgusting people just hope that one day the guilt hits them so hard .. but then they have no heart or soul selfish people ... so they will never feel.anything  ....

     

  • Mis-information from funeral directors not helpful at all... :/ If they knew you needed to get the money off the social then why add the costs up that high!!! Money making ***!!! (I managed to bury my Nan for less than £1000 by doing most of it myself....decorated cardboard coffin, printed my own order of service, even did her hair and make-up... so they could have helped you cut the cost!) I hope you get some good advice from CAB. xx

  • I used Levertons for my Mother's funeral and I was amazed at how wonderful they were - I was advised from the beginning that I could go for a basic £1,700 funeral and everything was very clearly laid out on their website so  you knew what you were spending.  I didn't go for the basic - my Mother had scrimped during her life so I gave her a wonderful send off.  I had to put down a deposit but then it is a business - I'm sure if I had problems paying they would have understood.  

    I just wished that the social workers, care home manager, doctors, nurses etc. had handled my Mother with the same dignity that the undertaker did .... 

    Jes - am sure if you explain the situation to them they will give you the time that you need.  Keep an eye on that small print though just in case there is a clause for interest.  Lots of love 

     

  • Cfeast wow can't believe  that ..well I do just saying ... as when I first sat with funeral director  I explained the aituation so we went for basic everything  I got my mate to do.flowers and my sons designed  and printed of the order of service cards etc... but it still came to 4600 we went as low as possible .... 

    But he had the most beautiful  send off as all the little personal details i done 

    Just hope cab  can help 

  • Yeah i have explained from day one to them and they even heard all the problems I had with the family chopping and changing things to do with the funeral so he is fully aware ... I just went to my local funeral place as wanted done asap as promised tony he would never be alone. .... see i rushed it only cause I had to for tony ... plus was all over the place just like I am now .... so my only hope.is cab  or the charties .... thank for you advise