Hey....Hope your appointment is helpful on Thursday....Hang on in there til then! You say you are having bereavement counselling?.....can they not suggest how best to deal with the time you are not with a counselor? Medication is usually a last resort especially if you are tempted to stock pile with a purpose!! But there are volunteer mentor schemes in certain areas (my son works for a company here in south) where they match people for support....And charity centers where maybe you could meet/help others in same situation as you? Wishing you luck and hope you find the support you need. xx

Hi cfeast I have been searching for more places to help me and all that has come up is maggies center where I go to but it's difficult  as I'm always told there's people there like me but I go and it's a room full of people that are going through  the illness and it's not fair I'm there not fair on them or me .... so the woman there put me to the online group where there are 3 of us who talk for hour every Monday night. ... a friend of mine done a search to to get me more help and nothing again ..... I've asked and I been told cruse are the people to go to i have and the counsellor  that comes to me once a week ... they haven't put me in touch with no one else ... this is what is doing my head in ... everywhere I look there's no help for me .. surly there is .... 

I dont want medication/pills from my doctor as he offered them to me few days after tony passed away  I refused as I don't like taking pills  like that but I have to go see doctor as got no where else to turn to for help .... Maybe I'm asking for a lot I don't know I just know I can't go on like this ......  just feel so erratic. .. up the wall .. as I call it ... 

Hope. You are well sending my love and thanks to you x

Morning Jes 

I really hope you get some help from your GP as it seems that you are really struggling.  Do you work at all?  I find that being around people who are not upset like me does help as it forces to behave in a certain way but I understand how this may not work for others.  I also hope that Cruise find you some alternative help.  Maybe if you accepted a light medication from the doctor that may help as well ... even though you don't like taking pills it sounds as though you really need some immediate assistance.  

Hang in there ..... the day will come when you feel a little better. 

Hi allingham  no I was unlawfully  dismissed from my two jobs 30 days after tony was diagnosed  .... 

The thought of working is not even on my mind. . Couldn't go to a new job looking the way I do eyes hanging out of my head from lack of sleep and constant crying and the lack of concentration  Im no help to one one right now so the thought of work is a million miles away ...

Also just found out the person who sees me from cruse has gone on holiday and not back till 1st of March so that's really put a boot into that .... 

Just feels like everything is hitting a brick wall here ... hate feeling like this ... dunno what else to do ... im exhausted searching and asking for help and not getting it .....feel so alone even in a room full of people. ....

I do mediation  every night to try sleep a bit but don't try it till I'm calmer which usually is about 2 or 3 .. then up early feel sick soon as my eyes are open till I sleep .....all day every day .....

And the last month feels like everyone is avoiding me .. I message and call friends and they make a day to meet and always cancel .. I suppose they can't handle the way I am now ... im just wanting to sit with them or just be with them I've even offered to help decorate  and clean for them. ... anything  just to be with people ....

Also bad news today got a letter from dwp  social fund for help with cost of tony funeral as we had no time to save for a funeral plus my jobs got rid of me ... they have one lyrics offered 1400 .. so now more n more in debt gotta get another 3000 from somewhere but I have no where to get this sort of money and his family didn't even offer a pound towards the funeral even though I got threaten by them and made my life hell  before the funeral. . Done everything  for them for the funeral and get shunned after and threaten  before it ...... it just gets worse .....

Tony was 36 how could any of us know he would be diagnosed  and dead within 3 months. . No time to sort nothing ........jesus  what do I do now .....

Jes - that's bad news about losing your jobs - the last thing you need is to have to worry about finances..Regarding the funeral have you discussed payment with the undertaker, they may be sympathetic and give you more time to pay.  Also I would suggest that you contact Tony's family, they really should have made a contribution and not left you to burden the cost.  I do understand that it will be hard for you to speak to them but given the situation I think  you need to ask for their assistance even though your relationship was not good.  I'm not sure but they may be legally bound to pay something .... were you next of kin?  

I sympathise with the lack of sleeping - last night I was awake at 02:00 so only managed a few hours ... it makes you feel so much worse when you are functioning on only a few hours a night.  I've been like this for nearly 4 months now.

If you message me your address I will mail you the book I've just finsihed "Reasons to Stay Alive" by Matt Haig - it's very easy to read - not an indepth analysis but told from young man's point of view.  I found a great deal of it wasn't relevant to me but the last two chapters did hit home.  I'm more than happy to pass it onto you.... it was only written last year so very current.  

Will Cruise not let you someone else?

Thing is Tony didn't get on with his own family for years as in his dad and siblings .. his mum is poorly and wouldn't even go there ... as for his family his dad would be the only one but few days before tony passed he had a fall out with his dad as tony asked for help financially  as he was panicking about me and funeral cost his dad shunned him told him go else where so on that point I won't go there as me and tony both said we would ask for a single thing as never had before and won't now as in respect to my tony ... I was next of kin ...you would have thought though that at the funeral they could have spoke with funeral director and paid something  but they didn't they didn't  buy a flower absolutely nothing ... I was threaten with solicitor and police before the funeral because I wouldn't change the date of the cremation even though I had to change it once already just got them ... then it all started getting nasty with them ... so you can understand  why I won't. .

The would call me and say vile things to me which I would end up.in the floor crying so can't out myself through that again ... I blocked all there calls so they can't be nasty to me .. that's the last thing I wanted I was hiring they would make a mense as they were horrible to tony when alive thought when he passed they would realise what they had done through the years but no how wrong was i ..

When I spoke to the guy I see from cruse when he told me he was going away I wa so chocked up i said to him what am I gonna do he just said he will be back 1st of March. ... 

Thanks for your messages xxx will inbox you now with my address xx

That's what hurts so much tony was the most loveliest man you would ever meet he had a hard life as his family are a disgrace even when I knew tony when we was younger he was treated awful but because tony was a perfect gentleman he always wanted there love and never ever got it sometimes he would beg them ... when we told them he was dying and had cancer they didn't even believe him .... so glad tony got my and my family's love he always said  without us he would die on his own. ... God this is a bloody disgrace heartless people ...

Point the funeral directors towards the family for the cost of funeral.....They can't expect to get money out of you if you have none! Out of order for them not to pay and is another stress you can do without! Just keep saying you can't pay and you are handing it over to the family....I'm sure/hope the funeral company will understand. xx

Tony was very lucky to have you and his family ... regarding the funeral costs I would seek out some legal advice from the Citizens Advice Bureau - I'm not certain but funeral costs may be classed as a "debt" and there will be laws in force for who is reponsible for paying.  I think it would be wise to get all the facts before perhaps going to his family.  The funeral home will be anxious to get their ££s - I noticed when I got the bill for my Mother's a few weeks ago it said that if the balance wasn't paid after 30 days then interest would accrue.  It seems death is very expensive these days.  However, I'm sure once you explain the situation to them they be sympathetic.