Hi Jess

It's always heartbreaking to read peoples stories but especially so when they are so young with so much of their lives ahead of them. Stomach cancer's one of the real silent ones that creeps up on people without warning so people often have so little time.

I think that must be really hard - when my wife Melanie died in October we'd known for the best part of a decade she had a genetic risk, half her familly had had cancer and then we had 3 years fighting. It was long and wearing but it gave me time to get my head around it as best I could, I'll bet you could have really used 3 years eh?

You know there are 2 sorts of survivor stories people tell on here - those who survive their cancers and those who survive the grief of losing their loved ones.

Right now you feel like you will never be happy again - you will - you will never be the same again but you will be happy - it will take time.

First thing you have to realise is right now your mind is not your friend - this shocked me I'm a pretty level headed sort of guy and I was shocked at how my mind would keep beating me up, how I'd come back to the most painful memories - sounds like you may be the same, I think it's common.

Don't give your brain the space it needs to inflict this pain on you, recognise that all the what if's all the rerunning of what happened they don't help and cause you pain.

When you've come to terms with tha find copeing stragegies things you can do when you catch yourself getting drawn into these thought patterns, maybe its omething simple like making a cup of tea, maybe phoning a friend for a chat - I would go to the gym or do a job around the house - it doesn't matter but *do not sit there and stew*.

Dreams are hard to do that for - are you on anti-depressants?, sometimes they can cause problems with bad dreams, you can get some herbal sleeping pills from the chemists if you've taking something that's disagreeing with you.

It sounds as if Tony was incredibly lucky to have you to help him through his last weeks, and it's so hard that he's not here in turn to help you the the psychological pain that you're going though now. You know that he wouldn't want you to suffer, to feel guilty, nobody does, its the horrid little voice in your head and you're going to have to learn to tame it.

It isn't easy but you can and you will

Thank you cg  for your words and so sorry for your loss too xxx 

It's horrible  I try to take every second at a time as that's all I can manage ... I can't even think about the next hour let alone the next day as I'm sure you know yourself  I'm just so lost .. 

Yeah graham just a few months more  anything  longer than what we got would have been a blessing ... .just struggling so bad ....

so sorry for your loss too xx

Just wished the doctors  listened to my tony he went for almost a year before they checked  him out    so angry with the world .... 

I'm trying so hard to cope xx 

Thanks cg

I do understand that graham  but for a year my tony was telling them and other doctors that this was more than just an ulcer this was cancer .... his doctor refused to listen and when he eventually  did he then forgot to send the request off to the endoscopy  twice and we then waited months n months after .. 

Even my own gp  has said  that is pure neglect  ... im not blaming anyone but the gp  should a have listened  as we all know our own body's. ..

Jess, I just want to say how sorry I am to hear of your loss and to say your photo of the two of you is beautiful xx

Jes,

Thanks for sharing your tragic story, you're right cancer is a cruel disease and badly affects so many people. I can easily understand your anger at the GP who didn't listen to Tony. I have heard similar stories before where GPs have followed central government guidance to the letter and cases have been missed with tragic consequences. On the other hand, GPs also get criticised if they raise worries about cancer unnecessarily. 

The guidance was valid in something like 99.9% of cases, but many people think it put too much emphasis on the age of the patient when deciding whether to refer a patient on for further tests. At "only" age 55 and as a non-smoker I was thought "unlikely" to have cancer and I was only referred for an endoscopy because me and my GP thought I might have a peptic ulcer. 

Graham is absolutely right, the number of people living with acid reflux who don't have and who don't develop cancer far outweighs those of us who do by many hundreds to one. Somehow the NHS needs to strike a balance between wasting money on sending too many people for tests they don't need (and scaring them)  and avoiding late diagnosis and unnecessary deaths.  

New guidance was issued to GPs last year and the NHS now urges people with recurrent reflux to visit their doctor. I read this online earlier this week "Heartburn most days, for three weeks or more, could be a sign of oesophageal or stomach cancer – tell your doctor". www.nhs.uk/.../oesophagogastric-cancer

I realise that none of this will help you feel any better, but the way Tony was treated sounded so familiar that I thought it might help if I shared this with you.

Best wishes
Dave

How awful for you!!! I am so sorry you have been through such hell! If you feel like fighting then you have every right to get justice for the neglect....I know it won't bring your loved one back but there is a real need to pull doctors up for mistakes....Not misdiagnosing which is easy in the mine field of patient symptoms...But real mistakes! You would have a purpose for now and maybe help stop someone else suffering as a result of neglect by the same doctor or practice! Try to stay strong as you are still in shock. Keep reaching out and talking - even if it's just on here as I think many people will want to help you! xx

Hi Jess, This is so terribly devastating . To loose somebody so young with so much of their life ahead of them is just so wrong! I never like to hear when they put timescales on people's life as they are usually so far out. I was told around 8 months for my dad which in fact proved to only be 3 days.  I quite believe that when a loved one passes a part of you dies too, and then there's also the part that wishes you went with them. I'm so sad that you never got to marry your lovely Tony. I'm 15 weeks into the process and have to say I got really bad at week 5. I found that until I'd processed all the questions in my own head then I couldn't move on at all. As we only had 3 days between diagnosis and passing I had so many unanswered questions and my dad wasn't here to ask anymore, it drove me mad. I've now formed my own answers that I've settled on so I don't have to keep going over old ground every night when I need to go to sleep. I think what you're going through is quite normal and the only thing that will help is time passing. Have you got any hobbies you can throw yourself into to help you have a little clear time in your head. I have to say I found this forum at around the same time as you in my grieving process and it's helped me quite a bit. It's made me realise I'm not alone, there are others suffering with the loss of a loved one like me. There are others that are possibly worse off than me. Some people are still on their cancer journey and fighting it. If you ever want a chat you can message me. Look after yourself.