Hi Jess

It's always heartbreaking to read peoples stories but especially so when they are so young with so much of their lives ahead of them. Stomach cancer's one of the real silent ones that creeps up on people without warning so people often have so little time.

I think that must be really hard - when my wife Melanie died in October we'd known for the best part of a decade she had a genetic risk, half her familly had had cancer and then we had 3 years fighting. It was long and wearing but it gave me time to get my head around it as best I could, I'll bet you could have really used 3 years eh?

You know there are 2 sorts of survivor stories people tell on here - those who survive their cancers and those who survive the grief of losing their loved ones.

Right now you feel like you will never be happy again - you will - you will never be the same again but you will be happy - it will take time.

First thing you have to realise is right now your mind is not your friend - this shocked me I'm a pretty level headed sort of guy and I was shocked at how my mind would keep beating me up, how I'd come back to the most painful memories - sounds like you may be the same, I think it's common.

Don't give your brain the space it needs to inflict this pain on you, recognise that all the what if's all the rerunning of what happened they don't help and cause you pain.

When you've come to terms with tha find copeing stragegies things you can do when you catch yourself getting drawn into these thought patterns, maybe its omething simple like making a cup of tea, maybe phoning a friend for a chat - I would go to the gym or do a job around the house - it doesn't matter but *do not sit there and stew*.

Dreams are hard to do that for - are you on anti-depressants?, sometimes they can cause problems with bad dreams, you can get some herbal sleeping pills from the chemists if you've taking something that's disagreeing with you.

It sounds as if Tony was incredibly lucky to have you to help him through his last weeks, and it's so hard that he's not here in turn to help you the the psychological pain that you're going though now. You know that he wouldn't want you to suffer, to feel guilty, nobody does, its the horrid little voice in your head and you're going to have to learn to tame it.

It isn't easy but you can and you will

Yeah graham just a few months more  anything  longer than what we got would have been a blessing ... .just struggling so bad ....

so sorry for your loss too xx

Just wished the doctors  listened to my tony he went for almost a year before they checked  him out    so angry with the world .... 

Yeah graham just a few months more  anything  longer than what we got would have been a blessing ... .just struggling so bad ....

so sorry for your loss too xx

Just wished the doctors  listened to my tony he went for almost a year before they checked  him out    so angry with the world .... 

I know Jess but it's very hard to tell early cancer from all the aches and pains people go to their doctors for.

I've been on lansaprasole for years for stomach problems and I'm still here, Imagine trying to pick out the one or two with early cancer from all the stomach cases that turn up at GP surgerys. trouble is a lot of the symptoms either are routinely caused by other things or it's a late stage symptom

That's why work like this is so important

www3.imperial.ac.uk/.../news_23-6-2015-9-40-47

A breath test that could be done at a GP's surgery - with something like this we could catch so many people earlier - OK it's only 90% accurate but that's a hell of a lot better than what we have today.

Even with this Tony might not have been saved. Like I say Melanie knew she was at risk from ovarian cancer she'd had a full hysterectomy years before and she still developed cancer but in the peritonum not the ovaries.

But a test like this in GP surgeries would have at least given Tony a fighting chance

That's why Cancer Research is here

I do understand that graham  but for a year my tony was telling them and other doctors that this was more than just an ulcer this was cancer .... his doctor refused to listen and when he eventually  did he then forgot to send the request off to the endoscopy  twice and we then waited months n months after .. 

Even my own gp  has said  that is pure neglect  ... im not blaming anyone but the gp  should a have listened  as we all know our own body's. ..

Jess, I just want to say how sorry I am to hear of your loss and to say your photo of the two of you is beautiful xx

Jes,

Thanks for sharing your tragic story, you're right cancer is a cruel disease and badly affects so many people. I can easily understand your anger at the GP who didn't listen to Tony. I have heard similar stories before where GPs have followed central government guidance to the letter and cases have been missed with tragic consequences. On the other hand, GPs also get criticised if they raise worries about cancer unnecessarily. 

The guidance was valid in something like 99.9% of cases, but many people think it put too much emphasis on the age of the patient when deciding whether to refer a patient on for further tests. At "only" age 55 and as a non-smoker I was thought "unlikely" to have cancer and I was only referred for an endoscopy because me and my GP thought I might have a peptic ulcer. 

Graham is absolutely right, the number of people living with acid reflux who don't have and who don't develop cancer far outweighs those of us who do by many hundreds to one. Somehow the NHS needs to strike a balance between wasting money on sending too many people for tests they don't need (and scaring them)  and avoiding late diagnosis and unnecessary deaths.  

New guidance was issued to GPs last year and the NHS now urges people with recurrent reflux to visit their doctor. I read this online earlier this week "Heartburn most days, for three weeks or more, could be a sign of oesophageal or stomach cancer – tell your doctor". www.nhs.uk/.../oesophagogastric-cancer

I realise that none of this will help you feel any better, but the way Tony was treated sounded so familiar that I thought it might help if I shared this with you.

Best wishes
Dave

How awful for you!!! I am so sorry you have been through such hell! If you feel like fighting then you have every right to get justice for the neglect....I know it won't bring your loved one back but there is a real need to pull doctors up for mistakes....Not misdiagnosing which is easy in the mine field of patient symptoms...But real mistakes! You would have a purpose for now and maybe help stop someone else suffering as a result of neglect by the same doctor or practice! Try to stay strong as you are still in shock. Keep reaching out and talking - even if it's just on here as I think many people will want to help you! xx

Thanks you cfeast  ... I can't cope this is killing me xxx 

Jes, my husband and I were about the same age as you and your Tony when he died.  It was over 30 years ago and I can totally relate to your feelings.  I am not going to say the pain will go away anytime soon but what you have to do is just get through the days, knowing that eventually things will get easier.  You will, eventually, have days when you can breath without crying, remember Tony with happiness and know that you must live your life as I am sure he would have wanted.   It isnt easy and you will have meltdowns for an awful long time (I remember having an operation a year after my husband died and asking them if anything happened they weren't to resuscitate me).  Don't

n expect too much of yourself, grief is a dreadful thing to endure.  Is there any group you could join - sometimes teaming up with people who understand where you are coming from is a great help. Sometimes I would just let myself wallow in sadness and cry till I had no more tears. - then I could pick myself up for a while.Sending youbest wishes Jes, and I hope you have peace soon.

Well first I will say you are doing bloody well to still be talking to us! You can be strong and brave and all the things you will need to be to push forward through this. Keep talking to us....be honest as you like....grab a friend maybe and warn them they will have to be strong too but to be patient with you! I wish you could have the pain squashed but for all the joy we have in life there is often an equal ammount of pain....and we do survive because there is a purpose to your life...you just don't know it...None of us do! Sometimes it's just the little things that make some one else feel their life is worth living too. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and be prepared for that sign that you are needed here. (and no....I am not religeous....just maybe a little spiritual...But whenever I get to make someone smile....do a good deed...that's when I feel I am worthwhile!) Please keep in touch with people on here.....it seems to have helped so many! :) xxx

Hi pauline    yeah I have joined an on line group and another group young and widowed  .. I totally understand  when you said about when you had an op and that. .. I would say the same. ... I know it's sounds crazy but I can't wait to die to be with my tony again. . Im not scared of death no more ... if I didn't have my kids I would have gone the day I lost my tony ..... I think most days I'd like the world to end so we all go together  as a family ......

Thanks cfeast  ... im very spiritual  .. im looking and waiting for signs all the time ... I need to talk all the time to who ever will listen my people around me are good but now they seem to just say the same thing and it's jarring me ... I do snap at them as I do know what they are saying but they don't know what this feels like where on here everybody  has been through  simular  to me regardless  of what relation. . Cancer is cancer death is death .. people around me just don't get it ..... thank you for talking to me ...