Hi, Deggsy, I truly can relate to everything you are saying.    I was diagnosed with peritoneal cancer in January 2015 as a secondary.  I had womb cancer and cervical cancer in September 2o14.  I, too, have bowel blockages and bladder not working and respiratory problems.  The oncologist has told me also it's nothing to do with cancer but just an age thing.  This I cant believe, because I was fit and healthy up to 18 months ago.  I know each day it is getting worse and I am unable to do much anymore and I am very frightened too.  I live alone and have no idea who to turn to professionally when things get worse.

I really feel for you and all I can sayis just being there for your wife is the very best you can do.  My 3 adult children are my rocks and also dear friends.

Please let us know how you are and come and talk to us.  With my very best wishes.

Thanks for your reply, Pauline4. Yes my wife was fit up until weeks before her diagnosis in 2014 walking and playing tennis. Her bowel blockages have always been considered to be cancer related.

I don't know how we would cope if it wasn't for the hospice and they have supported us throughout. If you have a local hospice get your GP to refer you and get known by them, dont think they are just there for end of life care, they can support you in so many ways.

I feel that I am "coping" and know that I will get through, as unfortunately I lost a partner before, but I was younger and my thoughts were different then. Being with my wife daily is all that matters, every day is precious but that is not making it any easier. She is fully aware of the situation but is not prepared to talk about it and I have to respect that. As always the future is the thing that frighten us.

Hope you can find some support and please continue the discussion if you feel it helps. There is no need to feel alone there are lots of people out there who understand.

Best wishes

Hi Deggsy I can completely relate to this

My wife died of primary peritoneal cancer back in October. She was at high risk of ovarian cancer and had had a hysterectomy to prevent this so when she showed up with symptoms but no ovaries it was very confusing for all until PPC was diagnosed!

Amazingly she had few symptoms until the last week - never seemed to be an actual blockage but the best guess seems to be she had a bowel shutdown then an associated infection which she was unable to throw off with a compromised immune system. And yes her last 2 or 3 days were the hardest thing I've ever lived through.

All I can say is be there for her, make sure she's as comfortable as possible and gets the pain relief she needs - ask to talk to the palliative team at the hospital they can help you in this and can explain what it will probably be like to be there when it happens so you know what to expect - I found that took so much of the worry out of it for me.

Don't worry too much now about afterwards - you'll have a lot of grief as so many of us on here have but your friends and familly will help and so will people on here

spend these last days with her well, if you can, try to take her mind off it a bit and be strong for her so she's not worried about what will happen to you when she's gone.

And stay with us on line and we'll see if we can't help you pick up the pieces 

Thanks Graham,

My wife is recieving the very best care that anyone could wish for at our local hospice and the staff are there  for all of  us and as you have said have prepared us all for what is going to happen. What I didn't say was the prognosis of short  weeks was given when she went  into the hospice on christmas eve and here  we  are at the end of Jan. she's a  real fighter. Living with the fact that there is no long term future and trying to make every day  special has been hard and then coming home each night wondering if that will  be the last time I see her, over such a long time causes me to question so many things.

I will keep posting as it does help to keep my emotions in check

Thanks again.

Thanks Graham, 

Your comments are very welcome and allow me understand whst is going on.

My wife is going through a period on her roller coaster  where she is quite well and although she is aware of the situation is saying she is being positive and talking of fairly long term plans. This is confusing the family wondering if she is trying to blank out her situation. I know that she is more than aware.

Have you or anyone had experience  of a similar siuation?

I appreciate aĺl comments Regards

Hi Deggsy

I have just read your thread and although my husband had a different cancer (Mesothelioma) he never wished to talk about his incurable illness (nearly three year journey) as it would upset him too much.  Instead he put his focus on the good things around him and spent hours in front of the tv 'to switch off. This was his way of dealing with it and like you say we have to respect that.  I also had to respect the fact that he did not wish to go into our local hospice and so we had community nurses when required at home.  Their understanding helped all the family when they visited and me especially to get through the long hours of his last five days. He was, however, communicative and 'with it' until around the last few hours and in his case a small 'alert' came at this time in the fact that he was unable to pass water and this was the only time I saw him pretty distressed. Thereafter he was calm and comfortable and the last words were asking if I was going to bed yet( about 10.30). I replied  that I would soon but if he was tired he could settle down (we had his bed in the lounge).  Of course I had no intention of going anywhere but I am pretty sure he thought I had left the room because soon afterwards I noticed a change in his breathing and I made it to his side as he slipped away.  Every experience is very personal (with my Dad I did not get to the  hospice in time but apparently it was how he wanted it  - he was always crafty at getting his own way!)

Nothing really prepares you for such a loss but this forum has been an enormous support to me and do come and chat anytime you need to vent those emotions that we try so hard to contain.

Be kind to yourself, Jules

That sounds very familliar Deggsy - My wife used to say shed make a very good ostrich!

Being in denial works very well for some people - as long as it doesn't get to the point where they start to refuse treatment and think that positie thinking is all that they need and it'll go away then just go with it!

Hi, Deggsy, have had a few exceptionally bad days where getting out of bed or off the sofa has taken a major effort. If I do have a day when I am not too bad I start to think I will be okay, probably a bit like your wife.  I guess it just gives you a little bit of hope, when really deep down you know there is none. You say that you think your wife is being positive but you know i do that too, just because we have to have hope, even though deep down we really do know there is none. And would you not want to blank out reality, too. Please dont take that away and, perheaps, take your lead from her. I have always refused chemo as I didnt want to compromise my immune system and have the awful side effects of chemotherapy.  I have never been sorry for my decision and as I know the outcome of this disease will not put myself through treatments that will maybe make me feel worse.  

I am thinking of you all and wishing you the best.

Thanks to you all for your comments, finding that others have similar and different experience is such a help.

My wife is continuing on her roller coaster journey, yesterday was a bad day but who knows what today will bring. Latest news from the doctors is that they are surprised by her resilience and although it is not unknown, she is unusually kicking the trend. They feel that, although there are no promises, she could go on for weeks yet. This is great that she will be around but my concerns are about her quality of life and the effect on the family.

Thanks for making me feel that I can talk to you all.