Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

It's really not very easy for me to write this as it's still very raw and heartbreaking for me.

I met the absolute love of my life 14 months a go,  my best friend went on and on at us to meet... We had both been through a pretty rough time in previous relationships and I finally agreed to go on a date with him.  I knew from the moment I met him I wanted to marry him... We dated for a week (2 or 3 a day!) and within a week he had pretty much moved in with me.  Everything was perfect, we weren't the kind of couple who argued.  He was amazing totally loved life and lived it to the fullest. We didn't wait around for anything enjoying all the good things in life.  We were waiting for the 2 year seperation with his ex wife so he could get a divorce and we could have the future together we wanted.  

We went on an amazing road trip in Europe, came home for a week for work and then a long weekend away to cornwall camping.  Unfortunately while we were in Cornwall he developed a pain in his leg, we put it down to all the driving we had done that month.  He knew something wasn't right so we went to the hospital and august the 3rd he was diagnosed with DVT.  We put all plans on hold as we were due to fly on a last minute holiday in October but I didn't want anything to make the DVT worst. His blood results came back with a concern in the liver, they told us it was nothing to worry about but a Ultrasound scan would be booked just in case.  A week later we went to the scan, just a week after that we had to go to a CT scan just to be sure of the results.  It was then that we were sat down and told the worst news I could ever imagine... He had cancer, they weren't sure where the primary cancer was coming from but it had spread to the liver, lungs, stomach and possibly pancreas.  A liver biopsy was booked for the end of the week to find out what stage the cancer was at and to get a plan.  We spoke to our family and decided not to tell his ex wife as we didn't want anything to interrupt the divorce as we wanted to get married and start a family.  

We spoke about it and together we were going to fight this horrible unexpected disease.

3 days after the biopsy I had to rush him to hospital he was short of breath and double vision.  1 week we were in hospital the blood had clotted badly the lungs were effected and possibly the brain.  While we were in hospital we had more bad news the results from the biopsy came back... The cancer is Incurable.  Diagnosed as unknown primary cancer but the secondary had took over the liver.  This news broke my heart I was a complete mess, he constantly told me not to be negative he isn't going anywhere soon there's plenty of time to have everything we dreamed of... Unfortunately because the chemo was starting in a week to manage the cancer it meant he could be infertile. We decided to try for a baby and freeze sperm and then more bad news... Looking back at family history they think it's hereditary.  He wasn't willing to leave me with a child I would spend the rest of my life worrying if I would have to fight this disease again.  So the chemo started just a week out of hospital and we were back in the date was just the 14th September.  2 days later we were told he had 2 weeks to live.  He decided he wanted to be at our home rather then a hospice.  We didn't have any nurses in, they called me every day just to reassure I was doing everything right.  We got into a routine. He was to poorly/tired to leave the house we had family and friends round a lot. He hated seeing me upset so I promised I wouldn't. I became so strong and just focused on each day as it came... Wake up, medication, injections, wash, food etc. Then repeat before bed.  We had a hospital bed downstairs I slept on the sofa beside him his legs got very swallen so we also had a camode as no downstairs toilet. 21st September was my birthday I told him I didn't want to celebrate it but he made it a lovely day and spoilt me rotten! He seemed really well the best I had seen him for a while. We had some quality time together said our "goodbyes" he toasted my new business and made me promise I would go a head with it for him. It slowly went down hill from there... He got very confused and the days and nights became tough for me as the confusion of the vivid dreams he had and hallucinating was difficult to explain why it was happening to him.  The nurses had prepared me for all sorts so I was aware of why and what to expect.  As tough as all of this was I would never change the way we did things he wanted to be at home and didn't want random nurses in and out. I'm glad I could give him his wishes.  The only thing I wanted was that he was comfortable and never in pain... Which he wasn't.  We planned some of his funeral together looking back now I don't know how we did it. I don't know how he was so strong and brave, at no point during any of this did he complain or ask why him.  He just dealt with it, and I just carried on in our routine.  We never really processed anything it all happened so quickly.  He died at home on the 28th of September.

 I finished off planning his funeral which kept me busy and still not processing anything.

 His divorce never came through in time.  Now it's finally hitting me and I have no idea how to handle it.  I kept feeling like he's going to come home, but he's not.  I feel so lonely and isolated.  Everyone keeps telling me how to be and what's best for me but how can I listen to them when they haven't got a clue what it feels like to loose your soulmate.  He was my absolute world.  I am only 26 and he was 30.  We had so much we wanted and planned to do together.  Everyone else has sent their cards and flowers.  Supported myself and the family at the funeral.  Now back to living their lives.  I feel stuck, how can I possibly live my life without him here? 

Ive been referred for counselling which I feel will help to talk to someone who may understand and reassure how I'm feeling.  I don't want to leave the house unless I go to his grave.  I've pushed all my family and friends away as I don't want to talk to them or them to tell me I should get dressed and get back to work etc.  It's been less then 2 weeks since his funeral and I know it's such early days but I miss him so much I can't get my head around any of it.

I feel like I need to talk to people in the same situation as me.  Has anyone else been through this? 

I know this has been long it's the first time I've spoke about it all so thank you for taking the time to read it. 

Katie x