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Losing my dad

trina10
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On the 3rd August 2015 my dad was sent by his GP to our local hospital as an emergency admission with lower abdominal pain. He was kept in overnight, given a diagnosis of diverticulitis and sent home with a course of antibiotics. 

Almost a fortnight later on 17th August my dad complained the pain was worse and was sent again by his GP as an emergency admission to the hospital and this time was admitted to a surgical ward with a question mark on his notes at 'large bowel obstruction'. Dad had CT and ultrascans and various other tests but it took until the 28th August for dad to get a diagnosis of carcinoma of unknown origin with a prognosis of 'possibly months, probably weeks' left.

My dad died on the 14th September 2015. His palliative care was good in the sense that he was never in pain but we are sad that he died in hospital in a private room tucked away on a surgical ward. moving to a hospice was not an option in the time he had left.

My family and I are having trouble coming to terms with the speed of the illness and death but what plays on my mind is does it really take 11 days to diagnose cancer? A sample of dad's acites was sent away on the day after his admission (18th Aug) (The local hospital doesn't have a pathology unit) by this point my mum and I were already thinking cancer, (she is a retired nurse and I am a medical librarian) but until his diagnosis was confirmed on the 28th August no one had mentioned cancer to my dad or the family so it was a shock to relatives and friends and the waiting for a firm diagnosis was just horrible.

I am really struggling to come to terms with my dad's death. Last night I felt so angry I actually screamed with the hurt and pain. My husband has been great but he still has both his parents so it's hard to explain to him exactly how I feel and for him to understand.

I was so relieved to find a website and forum where people would have some understanding of our experience.

With love to all who are struggling right now.

Trina10

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    Hi Trina,

    First of all let me welcome you to this friendly and supportive forum. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father and can well understand how your feeling. Between me and my wife we have now lost 9 family members to cancer plus I have had prostate cancer myself. We have just lost my brother in law last weekend and he went downhill so fast in just two weeks. My own father is very ill in Canada from prostate cancer and age.

    You ask a question does it take two weeks to diagnose cancer, well after they had given me a biopsy it was two weeks before I was told by the oncologist it was cancer. Most people I have talked to have all had a similar experiance.

    They do say unless you have lost someone yourself, you dont appreciate the emotional turmoil and hurt it causes. 

    Please keep in contact for there are some very caring people on here. Best wishes and kind thought being sent your way, Brian.

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    Hi Trina

    Like Brian (woodworm) would like to welcome you to the forum though of cause sad to see the reason for your being here.  I lost my own Dad to cancer some 8 years ago and then my husband earlier this year.

    Whilst we had time to come to terms with  the diagnosis in both instances ~(hubby was terminal from the outset) nothing can really prepare you for the devastating affect it has on all the family and friends.  As Brian has said most tests results can take weeks rather than days to come through as specialists are needed to examine any samples and see what changes have taken place.  Its a complicated and mnid boggling array of information and sadly sometimes not as easy to determine when and where the cancer began. 

    It is such early days for you and your family  though I am sure you can take a little comfort from knowing that your dear Dad was pain free  in his final days.  Please come and chat on the forum any time; there are some lovely 'listeners' here who really do understand how we feel and I will be forever grateful to them for helping me through to face my onward journey. Jules54

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    Hi Trina, 

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My love and condolences to you and those your Dad has left behind. 

    Mine is a similar situation in that, having had a partial gastrectomy in 2014 for stomach cancer and being given the all clear, it came as a shock when Dad was admitted to hospital at the end of July this year with abdominal pain.  It didn't help that the pain was dismissed as a post-op hernia for almost 6 months, but the apprehensive wait to get results from his ascites sample was incredibly hard.  Dad passed away on August 11th.  

    Like your Dad, the palliative care experience was positive in that his pain was reasonably well managed and, with some not insignificant effort, we managed to grant his wish to get home.  I'm sad to say that there were recognised failings in Dad's care, including obtaining a diagnosis then in the timely management of his ascites which ultimately led to him losing his chance at chemo.  

    Throughout, I've felt the most incredible anger and frustration so empathise with your own experience. Whilst Dad was in hospital I was able to channel this into being his advocate, then the adrenalin helped me care for him at home in his final days.  Since he passed, I've focussed on dealing with all things administrative that come with losing a loved one.  With that now coming under control, I'm finding it harder and harder to contain my feelings. I almost wonder if I'll ever find 'a new normal' where I can accept the pain and function in polite society without having to think!  

    Things feel so incredibly raw still, it's difficult to explain to others in full technicolour - I worry I'll either scare them or end up even more frustrated that I can't do justice to the strength of feeling. Despite having a supportive network around me, I am now considering counselling through the hospice that supported Dad and the family once he was home. Perhaps this might be an option for you at some point? Most hospices offer this support even if your loved one didn't actually use their services. Alternatively, you might want to consider contacting Cruse (www.cruse.org.uk).  

    Sorry to have waffled on.  Essentially I wanted to thank you for being brave enough to post about your own personal pain. The last few days have been especially hard and reading your story helped me feel a little less alone.  

    Wishing you strength at this most awful of times x

  • Offline in reply to Phoenix

    Dear Phoenix,

    Reading your reply to my post helped so much, thank you for replying.

    A few days on and I find I've gone through the whole gamit of emotions from anger to sadness to happiness when thinking of my dad.

    I can only say that I felt better having let myself feel those emotions, screaming heped, crying helped, laughing helped, what still takes me by surprise is how exhausting grief is and ironically sleeping is difficult!

    I have made contact with an organisation in the city where I live who offer counselling to those bereaved by cancer and have my first appointment with them tomorrow. I so want to talk about my dad but don't want to bore everyone with it and also I now live in a place where no one really knew my dad, I have no shared experience of him with anyone here apart from my husband so I am making a lot of phone calls and sending lots of texts home to family, that helps.

    And finding this forum has been a great relief.

    Sending love to you and those around you bereaved by the loss of your dad. Keep remebering happy times and special moments, they are priceless.

    Be kind to yourself.

     

     

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