Hi Trina,

First of all let me welcome you to this friendly and supportive forum. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father and can well understand how your feeling. Between me and my wife we have now lost 9 family members to cancer plus I have had prostate cancer myself. We have just lost my brother in law last weekend and he went downhill so fast in just two weeks. My own father is very ill in Canada from prostate cancer and age.

You ask a question does it take two weeks to diagnose cancer, well after they had given me a biopsy it was two weeks before I was told by the oncologist it was cancer. Most people I have talked to have all had a similar experiance.

They do say unless you have lost someone yourself, you dont appreciate the emotional turmoil and hurt it causes. 

Please keep in contact for there are some very caring people on here. Best wishes and kind thought being sent your way, Brian.

Hi Trina, 

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My love and condolences to you and those your Dad has left behind. 

Mine is a similar situation in that, having had a partial gastrectomy in 2014 for stomach cancer and being given the all clear, it came as a shock when Dad was admitted to hospital at the end of July this year with abdominal pain.  It didn't help that the pain was dismissed as a post-op hernia for almost 6 months, but the apprehensive wait to get results from his ascites sample was incredibly hard.  Dad passed away on August 11th.  

Like your Dad, the palliative care experience was positive in that his pain was reasonably well managed and, with some not insignificant effort, we managed to grant his wish to get home.  I'm sad to say that there were recognised failings in Dad's care, including obtaining a diagnosis then in the timely management of his ascites which ultimately led to him losing his chance at chemo.  

Throughout, I've felt the most incredible anger and frustration so empathise with your own experience. Whilst Dad was in hospital I was able to channel this into being his advocate, then the adrenalin helped me care for him at home in his final days.  Since he passed, I've focussed on dealing with all things administrative that come with losing a loved one.  With that now coming under control, I'm finding it harder and harder to contain my feelings. I almost wonder if I'll ever find 'a new normal' where I can accept the pain and function in polite society without having to think!  

Things feel so incredibly raw still, it's difficult to explain to others in full technicolour - I worry I'll either scare them or end up even more frustrated that I can't do justice to the strength of feeling. Despite having a supportive network around me, I am now considering counselling through the hospice that supported Dad and the family once he was home. Perhaps this might be an option for you at some point? Most hospices offer this support even if your loved one didn't actually use their services. Alternatively, you might want to consider contacting Cruse (www.cruse.org.uk).  

Sorry to have waffled on.  Essentially I wanted to thank you for being brave enough to post about your own personal pain. The last few days have been especially hard and reading your story helped me feel a little less alone.  

Wishing you strength at this most awful of times x

Dear Phoenix,

Reading your reply to my post helped so much, thank you for replying.

A few days on and I find I've gone through the whole gamit of emotions from anger to sadness to happiness when thinking of my dad.

I can only say that I felt better having let myself feel those emotions, screaming heped, crying helped, laughing helped, what still takes me by surprise is how exhausting grief is and ironically sleeping is difficult!

I have made contact with an organisation in the city where I live who offer counselling to those bereaved by cancer and have my first appointment with them tomorrow. I so want to talk about my dad but don't want to bore everyone with it and also I now live in a place where no one really knew my dad, I have no shared experience of him with anyone here apart from my husband so I am making a lot of phone calls and sending lots of texts home to family, that helps.

And finding this forum has been a great relief.

Sending love to you and those around you bereaved by the loss of your dad. Keep remebering happy times and special moments, they are priceless.

Be kind to yourself.