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Lost my mum today

EmmyR
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Today my mum died. She battled breast cancer and won and a few months after she got the all clear we were told she had liver cancer. That was in December last year and in March this year we were told 2 months. I was in such denial she was ill I was just so angry at her. She had good days and bad and was in hospital for weeks then out for weeks. She got called into hospital 3 weeks ago after a blood test found she had kidney failure. She had a stent and was being kept in to monitor the progress and if went well she'd get a permanent one. Last week, second week of her being in, she seemed to get worse. She collapsed in the toilet and was struggling to breath. Yesterday she went down for her stent and they couldn't do it cause she couldn't breath and they found a infection all around her kidneys and her right lung collapsed as the cancer had spread.

We were all called in yesterday and it was heart breaking. She was on a oxygen mask and just didn't know what was going on. Eventually they gave her so much painkiller she just laid there and her breathing was so bad. Today at lunchtime my family and I decided we should remove the oxygen mask as the consultant told her it was just prolonging her death. Within not even a minute of taking it off she died. 

Her face is in my head, her eyes were open just looking at me. I couldn't even cry, my whole family were breaking down and I just couldn't cry. At first I felt happy, I knew she wasn't in pain any more. After trying to say goodbye that's when I broke down. Her eyes just staring at me, her mouth open covered in blood and her just not moving. One never felt pain like loosing my mum. I've taken her phone and I just keep reading her messages, looking at her photos or just holding her clothes. I don't know what to do. She was everything to me. We spoke every day and I've seen her every day since she was in hospital and now she's just laying there alone. 

I miss her so much. I've lost my mum at 28 and my children have lost their nan. I just want to hold her or phone her. Just hear her voice. I miss her so much I don't know how I'll get over this

 

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    I totally understand what you are going through. My dear mother who was my rock, my confidant and the one who kept it all together sadly passed away two years ago on may 17th 2015. My mam had been diagnosed with lung cancer back in February 2013 and although it was touch and go for a while, we finally got the all clear on the 1st of April 2015. Unfortunately a month later Mam started acting very strange and talking jibberish. I got Mam to the hospital on the Wednesday and by the Friday the doctor told myself and family that the cancer was back and had spread to her brain and that we could bring her home on the monday and make her comfortable for the last few weeks she had remaining. Trying to comprehend this was a great task within itself. Very sadly my Mam passed away on the Sunday, the day before she was due home on the monday. Mam was 61 I was 37. My world collapsed there and then!. I still struggle with life without her and like yourself, I would give anything to have her back. My son keeps me strong and shows me that I need to keep getting on with life, no matter how hard things seem. My Mam was a very strong individual and she has Instilled that in my son and I. I hope you find strength along your journey in life as I at times felt like giving up!. But my Mam would of put me in my place and told me to 'just get on with it!. Because that was Mams way.sounds harsh to some people but she was right. I hope you enjoy your life to the full and take your mam on your journey ( in spirit ) and make the most of it. Take care and let nothing stop you for being and doing who you are and what you are. Much love. Missy. Xxx
  • Offline in reply to missy324

    Hi Emma I am so so very sorry for your loss. My mum passed away this spring 17/3/17 and I totally understand how you feel. I was very close to her and like you, I feel such a void in my life. She had a brief battle with lung cancer. Docs said she had 18 months..she barely lasted 6. I remember the months before she died, I cared for, bathed and nursed her. It was so heartbreaking for the whole family....the night she died at the hospice my auntie was by her bedside and was inconsolable....it was almost 5 am in the morning and the birds were tweeting...i still dont like tbe sound of birds early in the morning as it brings back memories of my mum that night. I tell myself my mum is no longer in any pain..and that comforts me lot and helps tremendously. The previous lady said her mum was very strong and told her to "get on with it".. My mum was a bit like that... I remember her saying to me, "dont grieve forever when I pass away" and I know she would have wanted me to do something with my life instead of moping about. My mum always worked and never went on holidays much so when we went to Lanzarote recently my young son suggested bring a photo of nanny with us so she could enjoy tbe holiday too. My son keeps me strong and keeps me going. Its so hard losing a parent, give yourself time and be gentle..and try to look after yourself xxx

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  • Offline in reply to missy324

    Hi Emma I am so so very sorry for your loss. My mum passed away this spring 17/3/17 and I totally understand how you feel. I was very close to her and like you, I feel such a void in my life. She had a brief battle with lung cancer. Docs said she had 18 months..she barely lasted 6. I remember the months before she died, I cared for, bathed and nursed her. It was so heartbreaking for the whole family....the night she died at the hospice my auntie was by her bedside and was inconsolable....it was almost 5 am in the morning and the birds were tweeting...i still dont like tbe sound of birds early in the morning as it brings back memories of my mum that night. I tell myself my mum is no longer in any pain..and that comforts me lot and helps tremendously. The previous lady said her mum was very strong and told her to "get on with it".. My mum was a bit like that... I remember her saying to me, "dont grieve forever when I pass away" and I know she would have wanted me to do something with my life instead of moping about. My mum always worked and never went on holidays much so when we went to Lanzarote recently my young son suggested bring a photo of nanny with us so she could enjoy tbe holiday too. My son keeps me strong and keeps me going. Its so hard losing a parent, give yourself time and be gentle..and try to look after yourself xxx

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