Cancer Research UK main site

Need an escape- any ideas?

Jcbubs
Offline

My dad passed away six months ago from aggressive bowel/liver cancer after a strong fight for two years. He was given 12 months to live on 11 September but passed away on 6 October.

Since then I have been supporting my mum (who is also ill and in a wheelchair) with everything from the funeral arrangements, dads estate and building alterations to her home to make her more independent now my dad isn't here to care for her. She has been so fragile and devastated I have dealt with absolutely everything for her, including the sale of a foreign property. In addition, I work full time in a demanding profession.

I cannot explain the amount of stress I have been under but I'm sure someone bhre must understand from personal experience.

I have had no choice but to be strong for my mum, but at just 26 I never thought I would be dealing with so much so soon. I haven't really allowed myself time to grieve for my Dad yet (who was my world!) because I've always put others first (including in my other siblings).

I am now at breaking point, I haven't found any outlet for my emotion and feel like I need to escape my life for a while. Does this ring true with anyone else? What did you try that helped? I have tried spa treatments, walks on the beach etc but I seem to fall straight back into the anxious person I have become. I can't remember the last time I felt relaxed! 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

 

 

  • Offline

    Hi

    Welcome to the forum and I hope you can find some release just by writing down how you are feeling.   You are right many who read this post will relate to how utterly exhausted you are feeling.  Everyone is different as to how they deal with the grieving process (even within the same family).  You have spent so much time being strong for everyone else but of course eventually the flood gates open and you need to be able to grieve for a much loved Dad.  You have been amazing for someone so young to have dealt with all manner of things since your Dad passed away and perhaps your siblings have thought you so strong they have failed to notice how difficult you are finding everything now. I wonder if you have spoken to your GP (I am very lucky to have a good one who has helped me since the loss of my husband to understand various aspects of grief and how everyone can react so differently and especially not to feel guilty if I cannot cope sometimes).  Not only could your GP help with perhaps referral to bereavement counselling but also I am sure could arrange some help for your Mum  so that you may have a bit of free time.  I wish we could all wave a magic wand and the stress would just disappear but sadly we all need the support and help of others to cope sometimes but we need to ask. I tend to listen to music to help me relax one day and then throw myself into housework the next. Emotions and time to grieve go hand in hand I think.  I hope others will come along to offer their thoughts.  This forum has certainly helped me through. You have been faced an enormous upheavel to your normal life and it seems like you need some time to reflect on your own needs without having to worry about everyone else. No one can do it all by themselves.  Wishing you all the best  Jules54 

  • Offline in reply to jules54
    Thank you for your kind words and advice Jules, I will make an appointment with my gp. I havent done so before now because I had a bad experience with one who was very judgemental but like you said, its time to ask for help. I'm really surprised you have been the only one to comment! Maybe others have read my post and just thought I was moaning? I could really do with some help and advice from people who have been through what I am now, even if that is only to say that there is light at the end of the tunnel :-(
  • in reply to Jcbubs

    Hi Jules,

    Is there anyway you can take a couple of weeks break, and have someone else look after your mother for this time. It might sound a horrible thing to do to leave her with someone else, but im sure she would understand.

     

  • Offline

    Hi Jcbubs,

    I've just sent a long reply but it has disappeared and not been posted! This is a slightly shorter version as I need to sleep soon!

    Sorry you've not received many replies, my guess is that everyone is overwhelmed by the massive increase in the number of posts this week. 

    Jules and Space have given some good guidance, here's my contribution - some of this may seem a little harsh. 

    First go and see your GP, tell him or her everything you've posted here. The chances are you will be asked to complete a verbal Mini Mental Health Test - this will give the GP an idea of the level of stress or depression that you are currently feeling. If the GP offers you a sick note grab it with both hands and take at least 4 weeks off. If your employers have anything about them, they will understand the stress you have been through. If they don't, do you really want to wor for such uncaring *******s?

    Then try to sort some additional care for your Mum. If she isn't already receiving the PIP benefits payments get the ball rolling and start claiming. Payments will be backdated to whenever your Mum's condition was diagnosed or when she started having problems in supporting her.

    Unless you can get some help with caring for your Mum, there is a very high risk that you will burn out very quickly.

    Take some real time out for yourself. Book a cheap flight to India or somewhere similar and go backpacking, climb mountains, go skiing, laze on a beach - anything that gets you out of your day to day life for a few weeks. When I finsihed chemo and was waiting for the results, I spent 3 weeks on a beach on my own in Goa. I struggle relaxing but by getting away from the UK I found I could chill out. I repeated the dosage this January and my stress levels tumbled down and I was able to make some good career choices while work and cancer wasn't taking over my brain and preventing thinking.

    I do hope you find a way out of the emotional place you find yourself. 

     

    Best wishes

    Dave

     

     

  • Offline in reply to davek

    Please listen to Dave = he is so wise. After all this tragedy and stress = time to heal is important. Life can be very difficult some times - but bit by bit you can make yourself strong again.

    We will be thinking of you today

    Huggies

    Steven

  • Offline

    Hi jc

    ​I would also suggest that you and your siblings get together and divide the responsibilities for your Mum. Sometimes if you are doing everything they let you carry on either because they don't think about doing anything or they think that you don't want anyone else interfering.

    ​I did everything after my Dad died last year I was a lot older than you (57) I have no siblings to help and my Mum suffers from depression. I made sure she has a cleaner and I don't visit every day but I do phone her. I have terrific support from my husband and friends who have just listened and I have been able to get things of my chest.

    ​

  • Offline in reply to Jcbubs

    Hi

    Well as you can see there are plenty of caring folk on this forum and I hope this gives you some idea of what you need to attend to next. Burning out yourself will not help your dear Mum in the long run and she would probably be the first to say 'take some time for yourself'.  The whole family is still grieving (albeit they may not show it in the same way) but help is definitely out there if you seek it and there is absolutely nothing wrong in sharing responsibilities. I was lucky enough to be given four weeks leave (manager's discretion) when my husband died and nearly three months forward I still have times where I need emotional support but admitting to it does not always come easy!!  There is always a light at the end of any tunnel but you cannot rush grieving. Give yourself something nice to look forward to in the not too distant future (without feeling guilty about it (I am a fine one to talk here!!) and by being honest about what you need you can begin to de-stress and take your life forward.  Many wise words have been sent your way and I will finish with a virtual hug. Do come and let us know how you and Mum are doing as and when you want to.  Regards  Jules

  • Offline in reply to jules54
    Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. I've made an appointment with my GP to get some help for me, and to talk through options of help for Mum. As soon as affairs have been sorted and measures put in place, I will be booking myself a few well deserved days on the beach. I've realised I've been burning myself out and that is no use to anyone. Thanks again for your kind messages x
  • Offline in reply to Jcbubs

    So good to read that you have put things in motion that will help you and your Mum. Wishing you all the best and realy do enjoy that well earned break when it comes.  Am sure you will feel better once your batteries are recharged and once the help is put in place the pressures on your time will mean that you will get some time back for yourself whilst knowing your Mum is receiving the help she deserves. My own mum is in residential care and  I have great communication with the staff (and relief in knowing she is safe).Jules

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.