Hi All
So the time came, the time i had been dreading and talking about for the last few months as those of you i have been speaking to on here will know mum was very poorly and was deterioating day by day in the last few weeks, 6 days after my sisters wedding my mum passed away.
Saturday 28.02.15 around 2am. She had got really bad on Friday and i had taken the day off last minute to be with her as my sister had warned me how bad she was and that she thought she had 2 weeks left at the very most. When i got there she was terrble, she was struggling to breathe and it was just awlful to watch, she was in and out of conciousness and she wasnt talking at all. She was taking small sips of water and sleeping the whole day. She was also in a lot of pain. The nurses came in and gave her a syringe driver, they also changed her clothes and bedding and washed her, she wasnt aware of any of this she kept making nosies though it was terrible, her breahting got worse and worse and in the end she was on oxygen. She was struggling through the entire day and tbh it was the worst thing i have ever seen, we were helpless we couldnt do a thing to help her it was the worse day/night of my life.
My mum was put on antibiotics as we were told she had a chest infection but i dont even know if it was this i think it was just coming towards the end and thats why she was breathing so bad, who knows. We tried to give her oramorph before she was given the driver but she wouldnt open her mouth to take it in she kept gritting her teeth, she was just slipping on and out she wasnt aware of much i dont think. Me and my sister kept speaking to my mum the entire time as i read that the senses go last so i wanted to make sure she could hear us and i didnt want her to be scared of dying, every time she moaned i said dont worry mummy we are all here, i kept stroaking her hand and stuff i didnt want her to be scared or think she was alone. We were all by her beside my and my 2 sisters, my bf, my sisters new husband and my mums husband so she had us all there. My mum was getting really bad and we called the nurses back again, they gave her an injection for the pain and then all of a sudden her eyes were rolling and i became really scared she didnt look like my mum any more and then her eyes stayed open and she stopped blinking. She looked like she had died already but she was still breathing, she was not struggling though as the nurses has injected her and she was really calm at this point although it was horrible as she looked like a different?! but she was given a lot of drugs. We all stayed the night, i knew in my head well i thought that i knew that this would be it and me and my sister prayed for god to take her as she struggled so much that day it was UNBEARABLE to watch much more and we were like its enough now how much more can this tiny woman take???
I wanted to sleep in the lounge next to my mums bed but my bf said we dont all need to sleep in here why dont we get some rest it was near 2am by this time and my sister and her husband were going to sleep on the sofa next to my mum anyway. We went upstairs i got changed took my make up off put my head on the pillow for maybe 5 minutes and then we heard foot steps, my sisters husband ran in and said i dont think she is breathing, we ran down stairs and that was it. She was gone.
Her husband had gone round the bed to say good night and she was already gone, she slipped away peacefully, while they were in the room they had been chatting for maybe a few minutes and she went. I think she thought ok now is the time no one is looking.
TBH i was quite calm i didnt act the way i thought i would at all, i wasnt histerical, i comforted my sisters i just keep repeating over and over she is at peace now. Im quite shocked by the way i dealt with it, i dont know what happened to me really. I then got my bf to call my dad who was basically expecting the call as we had told him in the day how bad she had got. He came right away. We called the nurses back again as we were told to if she passed, we also called the out of hours GP to inform them of her passing. We then waited for the nurses to come, they sorted her out and we went back in room she looked so peacful my sweet little brave mummy, i love her so much and i miss her terribly. We then all sat round her bed in the dark with a little night light on and just talked about her, it was really nice and when my dad came he was shocked at tranquility of the whole thing he couldnt beleive how we all were. We waited near 6 hours for the doctor to come, and then once they had come we called the undertakers. When she was taken that was hard. I didnt look at them taking her but my other sister did. I didnt want to see that.
I didnt sleep at all untill saturday night after going to sleep on the thurs so i was pretty exhausted.
We are just over 48 hours now, my emotions have bene up and down, some times crying a lot some times just doing normal things, yesterday we had to pop out to get some clothes for the funeral. I have done a lot of questioning and stuff and i dont like going to sleep as im scared i will have nightmares, what i saw on that night was not pleasant at all. I cant get the pictures out of my brain......
The funeral is tomorrow, and as im jewish we the have to sit shiva for 3 days im not sure if many of you know about this? i have never been to a funeral as i tried to go to my nans many years ago and i fainted so i havent been able to go to one since. I am PETRIFIED i am very scared i will pass out, i really am worried, its going to be v hard for me, its my mummy also at jewish funerals there are no flowers, no nice coffin, nothing fancy it is all very morbid in our religion they say 'you come into the world with nothing you leave with nothing' so there will be nothing nice about it what so ever. I am so scared, i have never experienced a funeral and this is my mums. But i have to go i have to pay my respects to this amazing woman i call my mummy.
I hope after tomorrow things will get a tiny bit easier, i have very supportive family and loving bf, im very close to my dad and i have had lots of texts from my friends.I will be off work all this week and i will see how i am at the end of the week and take it from there.
Sorry i have gone on for so long but i had to get my thoughts all down. It is still very raw, im not even sure if it has sunk in yet?? maybe it wont untill after tomorrow?
Any advice on the funeral would be a great help. Thanks for all your support so far on here. xxxxx
