Hello Hope,

Sorry you are hurting so much just now, but please don't feel like you have done everything wrong.  You have had to make some very difficult decisions in the absence of the very people you have probably always turned to, to help you make them.  You have offered so much support on this site - a very positive way of using your pain and your experiences with your parents illness.  You will have helped a lot of people.  It is about a year and a half since I lost my Father and I can relate to what you are saying about reliving some of the bad memories - I try to be positive, but sometimes slip back into this too - it is sometimes a bit of a battle not to.  I can also really relate to what you say about taking on doing up your parents house.  We had builders in insulating our walls at the end of last year - the stress of it really got on top of me and made me realise that I am still quite fragile just now and have to be careful not to take on too much.  I also felt very guilty as it is Dads money that let me do something so major with the house, one of the things he said when he was ill was he wanted to see some progress with the house, but he is not here to see it - so what gives me the right to use his money this way.  I know my Dad would never have wanted me to feel this way, but it is just a difficult thing to deal with.  Anyway, this is my way of trying to say that these difficult feelings are perfectly normal (either that or both of us are far from normal - this is a distinct possibility in my case !)  Perhaps you should look at how you are feeling from your parents perspective (far easier said than done I know).  They would never have judged what you are doing with their house or anything else the harsh way that you are.  They would only ever have wanted you to be happy - be kind to yourself and you will get back there - it just takes time, and some weeks are better than others, Kathryn x 

Hi Kathryn,

Thanks so much for your support; it really does help make me see things a little differently.  I understand exactly how you feel about using your Dad's money, even though I am sure he would want you to.  It is how I feel too, my parents house needs so much updating and I just wished they had used their money to update it while they were alive and enjoy it.  Truth is they were happy the way things were, but it does feel so sad to spend their money.  You are right though, my parents would never have judged me in any way, their unconditional love is the thing I miss more than anything in the world.  I will try to be positive too, and I guess I just have to accept that there will be some days when that won't be possible.  Grief really is a bumpy ride, but hopefully one which we will all come out stronger from.  Take care and thanks again.  Hope x

Hi Hope,

Lovely to hear from you and thank you for your support.  I am so glad your Mum is still with you and you were able to celebrate her birthday together; however I understand how emotional it must have been for you.  There have been so many things that I've had to deal with in the past year that my emotions continue to be all over the place at times, however I am getting through it with the support of family and friends and the wonderful people on this site.  Thanks again and let me know how you are.  Hope xx

Morning Hope

Pleased you are having some better days. Emotions seems to run riot at times and then we have those calmer times. I even find some tv programmes can set me off when I least expect it (needing rapid bathroom break!!).Can't even explain why sometimes.  Tomorrow is Dad's 'anniversary' so will wear my Marie Curie daff in rememberance (then usually stays on for the month) (he was looked after for last weeks in their hospice with such care and consideration for the whole family). Sadly having to cope with Mum constantly asking that I give her good news that she can 'just be rid of life' - difficult mainly  because physically she is well and is asking after everyone else and sorting out family birthday cards with me so its not as though she has 'switched off' just does not like being dependent on others and with the homes fees now being increased from next month its going to be a difficult time in a few months as she will have to be moved somewhere else. To be honest I am dreading contacting her Social worker again (they  have not  been in touch since Mum turned down their previous offer and told them to stay out of her life!! as she could fund herself!!). Hey ho will cross that bridge eventually.

Will  be keeping  you in my thoughts and sending hugs.  Jules x

Hi Jules,

Will be thinking of you tomorrow on your Dad's anniversary.  We certainly do seem to have a lot in common, as well as many other things it is my Dad's on Sunday.  I'm also very sorry that it is so difficult dealing with your Mum; it must hurt when she says she wants to be "rid of life", however like you say it must be difficult to be dependent on others.  Also a worry for you about the home fees.  There is no easy way when our parents get old and dependent is there?  Try and take some time out for yourself too for you seem to always be giving to others.  Take care and speak soon.  Hope x

Thanks for your caring reply Hope.  Really appreciate the understanding.Have just returned from a long lunch with our friends (we treated them as it was her birthday) at a Spanish restaurant (first visit) - absolutely great tapas plus wine (red which I usually avoid) and naughty me - a desert!!  We then went back to their house for coffee and mints and she then drove us home(she hates to be driven so chose to pick us up).  Suddenly I feel 'normal' and hubby enjoyed it too - shedding a few tears - how silly is that!!  Chat soon and thanks for listening.Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Have messaged you on your site, but just to say in reply to your post on here, you are not silly at all at shedding tears.  Sometimes when we are a bit low doing happy things such as spending time with family and friends and feeling "normal" brings such a relief but also brings up all kinds of emotions.  The other day in work a friend noticed I'd been not quite myself and spoke kindly to me, this resulted in me bursting into tears and she felt bad!  I told her it was just that she was being nice that had affected me and that I was grateful for her kindness.  I'm glad that your hubby enjoyed your lunch too and I hope that he will be of support to you also today.  Speak soon.  Hope x

Afternoon Hope

I too have responded on my thread but you are so right about emotions.  Sometimes its the silliest of things that can set you off (others kindness is a very good example).  Work kept me busy and actually I have felt okay today as remember Dad with fondess rather than sadness now. He did live a long life which he always made a point of saying had suited him!!  He was disabled out of the war (lucky to be alive he said, having lost many comrades on the field) and told me that living to 85 had been an enormous bonus (he was just 21 when invalided out) and despite my Mum'smental issues they always coped well as a couple and I  now feel I have inherited his strength  and want to enjoy the life I have been given to the best of my ability.

Hubby has gone to visit a friend this afternoon so have control of the remote and having prepared the dinner am now enjoying the company of some very understanding virtual friends.  Thanks for being one of them and you know I will be keeping you in my thoughts through the coming days.  Gently does it.  Big hugs.  Jules xx

Hi Jules,

I am so glad that today you have been able to remember your Dad with fondness and that it hasn't been too painful for you.  It does give me hope that in time I may feel the same way; as it is things are still too raw for me, so although feeling OK just now am expecting a dip at the weekend.  I think the sunshine helps lift all our spirits though so long may it continue!  I hope hubby had a nice visit to his friend, I'm sure by now he has taken back control of the remote though!  Speak soon.  Hope x

Hi Hope

Just a short message to let you know am thinking of you, especially for this weekend.  Hope you are surrounded by the love of your family and am sure they will undestand if you need 'alone time' too.  Using Beryl's sensible words  take 'baby steps' and let your emotions find their own way along this difficult path as that will be the right route for you. Hugs  Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Thank you so much for your kind message. I have accepted that this weekend is going to be a difficult one; last night I felt overcome with emotion - tomorrow is the actual anniversary date but today seems just as difficult as I remember every detail of my last Saturday with Dad before he died that night. Is hard to remember that Mum was with me and now she's gone too. I have bought some lovely flowers for the cemetary tomorrow and hope the sun shines; I have my lovely family with me too.  Am planning to keep busy, hoping to get into the garden to start work on it - it was very neglected last Summer with all that went on.  Hope you have a lovely weekend, and thanks again for your support.  Hope x

Lovely Hope,

Just like Jules, I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you this weekend.

I hope you manage to get out in the garden - personally, I find this a place where I can really lose myself and 'untangle' my thoughts.

The physical act of tending the garden seems to help with the healing of my mind.

Take care, Hope.

Sending you warm, supportive hugs, especially tomorrow, Jo xx

Lovely Hope,

Just like Jules, I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you this weekend.

I hope you manage to get out in the garden - personally, I find this a place where I can really lose myself and 'untangle' my thoughts.

The physical act of tending the garden seems to help with the healing of my mind.

Take care, Hope.

Sending you warm, supportive hugs, especially tomorrow, Jo xx

Hi Jo,

Thanks so much for thinking of me.  I will try to keep busy this weekend.  I hope you are doing OK and enjoying the sunshine.  Hope xx

Good morning hope,

Just like your other forum friends, I am thinking of you today. I came across this picture quote last night and it reminded me of something you said to someone on here, that we only feel so bad because we loved our lost ones so much. Hope you like it.

Take care, best wishes and hugs sent your way, Brian.

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Just wanted to say keeping you in my thoughts on this emotional day Hope. Brian's picture quote says it all.  Jules xx

Hi Brian & Jules,

Hope you don't mind a joint reply.  Thank you so much for your messages and kind thoughts.  Brian, I loved the photo, it reminded me of the 2 doves I released at Mums funeral to symbolise Mum & Dad being reunited.  I have been to the cemetary today, the sun was shining and it was peaceful there.  The hardest part for me remembering the day Dad passed is thinking of Mum with me then; it's surreal to know they are both gone.  However I am trying to think of them as reunited now and know they would want me to carry on with my life.  Hope the sun is shining in your part of the world too.  Thanks again.  Hope x

Hi Hope

Joint replies are great and no problem on this forum. Hope you not working too hard though not long now till the next round of holidays.  My daughter and family are visiting her in laws for a week during the Easter break and then we are having the little one for a night and day so they can decorate their bedroom.  Fingers crossed it will be nice weather and I can take him to the park.Now five months old and happy in the baby swings.  He had a nap here in his travel cot at the weekend and was no problem at all.  The eldest boy had me out in the garden for a game of footie as well as playing 'off roading'with his cars in the bare border I leave for him to enjoy!!  Oh to be young again.  Take care   Jules xx

Hi Hope,

Haven't spoken for a few days but have been thinking about you, you have not been forgotten. I Hope now that the anniversary has passed by, you may be feeling a little better.

How is your work at school going? My youngest grandson is still as cheeky as ever and made me laugh again the other night.

Take care, best wishes, Brian.

Morning Hope

Just wanted to let you know am keeping  you in my thoughts as your journey continues.Jules xx

Hi Brian,

Thanks for thinking of me, I'm doing OK, keeping myself busy.  Eldest ran a half-marathon today to raise money for our local hospice, so went to that. Hope you and Mrs B have had a nice weekend, the weather here has been a bit unpredictable, sunshine and rain. I have read some of your posts regarding your youngest grandson, he certainly sounds a cheeky chappy.  How is your brother-in-law doing now?  Speak soon.  Hope x

Hi Jules,

Thanks for thinking of me.  I'm OK, some days are better than others but I'm hoping that the good ones will slowly take over the bad.  Eldest ran half-marathon today and raised money for the hospice that supported Mum and Dad.  I'm so proud of him in so many ways.  I hope you have had a nice weekend; I will be thinking of you as you Tuesday when you have hubby's appointment, hope all goes well.  Hope xx

Hello again Hope

Wow, well done to your eldest and am not at all surprised at how proud you are feeling.  If you are like me it sometimes brings a lump to the throat (not matter how old they are!!). Weather here today (Middlesex)has been chilly but mainly bright and no rain since a shower yesterday morning.  Nonetheless although I had good intentions to be in the garden found myself wanting to get more exercise so visited our local garden centre a couple of miles away and as it has a gifting area Imanaged to find a few bits for upcoming birthdays.  I did buy some Dahlia tubers to plant soon (hubby's has always liked these and we have not had them for a few years so I thought it would be a nice surprise (assuming they grow).   Have a good week and you know where to find us when and if you need a chat.  Sending hugs.  Jules  xx