Hello Hope,

Sorry you are hurting so much just now, but please don't feel like you have done everything wrong.  You have had to make some very difficult decisions in the absence of the very people you have probably always turned to, to help you make them.  You have offered so much support on this site - a very positive way of using your pain and your experiences with your parents illness.  You will have helped a lot of people.  It is about a year and a half since I lost my Father and I can relate to what you are saying about reliving some of the bad memories - I try to be positive, but sometimes slip back into this too - it is sometimes a bit of a battle not to.  I can also really relate to what you say about taking on doing up your parents house.  We had builders in insulating our walls at the end of last year - the stress of it really got on top of me and made me realise that I am still quite fragile just now and have to be careful not to take on too much.  I also felt very guilty as it is Dads money that let me do something so major with the house, one of the things he said when he was ill was he wanted to see some progress with the house, but he is not here to see it - so what gives me the right to use his money this way.  I know my Dad would never have wanted me to feel this way, but it is just a difficult thing to deal with.  Anyway, this is my way of trying to say that these difficult feelings are perfectly normal (either that or both of us are far from normal - this is a distinct possibility in my case !)  Perhaps you should look at how you are feeling from your parents perspective (far easier said than done I know).  They would never have judged what you are doing with their house or anything else the harsh way that you are.  They would only ever have wanted you to be happy - be kind to yourself and you will get back there - it just takes time, and some weeks are better than others, Kathryn x 

Hi Kathryn,

Thanks so much for your support; it really does help make me see things a little differently.  I understand exactly how you feel about using your Dad's money, even though I am sure he would want you to.  It is how I feel too, my parents house needs so much updating and I just wished they had used their money to update it while they were alive and enjoy it.  Truth is they were happy the way things were, but it does feel so sad to spend their money.  You are right though, my parents would never have judged me in any way, their unconditional love is the thing I miss more than anything in the world.  I will try to be positive too, and I guess I just have to accept that there will be some days when that won't be possible.  Grief really is a bumpy ride, but hopefully one which we will all come out stronger from.  Take care and thanks again.  Hope x

Hi Brian,

Thanks for thinking of me.  As you know I've had a couple of really down weeks but am feeling a little more like myself just now.  It is strange (and somewhat frightening) how the incredible pain can just come back and hit you when you had thought you were doing much better.  I had one day recently where I think I just cried all day, however that was then followed by another day when I felt much more like myself again. I try and think positive for my family, I am so proud of my boys; eldest is loving med sch and I know he will make a fantastic doctor oneday. I can understand how worrying it must be for your wife regarding her brother; I think it is vitally important that we have faith in the doctor treating us, so the mix up must have caused a great deal of distress.  Hopefully things are now getting sorted?  I'm sure you are supporting Mrs B and your brother-in-law very well, and I'm sure they'll find your help very reassuring.  Please let me know how things are and thanks again for your continuing support.  Hope x

Good morning Hope,

Just thought I'd let you know I've been thinking of you and know that this month will be a difficult time for you.

I do hope you realise that we are still all here for you.

Sending virtual hugs and love

Annabel. xx

Hi Annabel, thank you so much for caring & for your support. You are correct that this is a difficult time as it is the anniversary of Dads death next weekend. Everything that has happened in the last year still feels surreal somehow. I have days where I think Im OK followed by others when I cant stop crying, but have told myself this is probably normal.given the enormity of change that has happened. This site is a great help. Anyway how are you? I hope you are doing OK & that the sun is shining where you live - its beautifull here today and Im currently outdoors in the sun at youngests football match. Take care & please keep in touch. Hope xx

Good morning Hope,

And what a good one it is too and hope your enjoying th match. Just wanted to let you know I and many others on here will be thinking of you over the next week or so. I think what you say about  it feeling surreal is the enormity of you loss still hasn't fully sunk in and what with doing up the house as well you have been so busy that life still hasn't had time to return to it's new sort of normal. When we lose one of our parents life changes very considerably but losing both so close together means life has changed drastically for you. It will take time however long that may be. Plus you have had our son start med school so that is also another big change in you life. All these things add up so what you say is understandable. Just to confirm what the lovely Annabel has said, anytime you want to talk, rant or rave, you have many friends on  here who will lend a virtual shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen.

Take care, sending best wishes, hugs from Brian.

I came across this today and thought I would send it to you. I hope you like it. Click on it to enlarge it if like me you struggle with the small print.

                           [[]]

Hi Brian,

Lovely to hear from you and thanks for your support and the wonderful poem.  The poem sums up just how I feel; I am still grieving loads and whilst there are many lovely people like yourself and others on here, who truly understand that grief is a long journey, there are others who I feel think time has passed so I should be feeling better by now. Perhaps that is just my perception of things as I watch life carrying on as normal for some who think I'm part of that normality.

Anyway on a positive note I have sold the house (subject to contract) without the need to spend anymore time or money on it.  The market here is crazy which means many buyers queing for the same property.  It is early days but fingers crossed. I do feel a sense of relief, however I also acknowledge that I feel sadness too, it was my childhood home and a 2nd home to my children therefore so many memories.  Nobody can take my memories away though and I feel it will be better to keep them in my heart and head and not have to keep putting myself through going back and forth there.

I hope you and Mrs  are well, how are things with your brother-in-law?  Take care and hope to hear from you again soon.  Hope x

Hi Hope

Just come in from the gardening (aching but gratified that I have managed to weed half the back garden) and just wanted to add my support for you during the coming week (our Dads' must have a very close anniversary).  I dont think anyone can put a time on how long individuals have to grieve for.  There are so many emotions caught up with the whole life/death journey and so many different circumstances.  You are incredibly brave to be on the forum helping others whilst dealing with your losses (I did not even have my own computer when my Dad died) so on the whole dealt with my emotions with immediate family apart from my Mum who accepted he was gone and that it was for the best (think perhaps our feelings can be age related (she was 82 at the time!!) and  you are right when you say people differ in how they cope.  I am sure the forthcoming sale of your family  home will be bittersweet but those memories you hold within your head and heart are a precious resource which you can draw on anytime.  Keeping you in my thoughts over the coming days and onwards when you need to chat.  Sometimes life just cannot be rushed and we need those peaceful times. Jules xx

Good Afternoon Hope,

Just seen your post as not been on here for months , your so right I find myself of here today as it's my mums birthday

Who by some miracle is still here and still does not know about the cancer.

I just wanted to say always thinking of you and cannot Thank you enough for all the support you gave me when I first joined here 5 months ago.

You are in my prayers xx

Hi Jules,

Thank you once again for your continued support, it reallly does make such a difference to know that others understand.  I'm not feeling too bad just now, but as we all know these feelings change daily.  The anniversary of Dad's death is the weekend so I may well feel differently by then.  I think the change in the weather has helped keep me a bit more afloat and will just have to go with my feelings for a while as there are many more anniversaries regarding my Mum to deal with in the coming months too.  I hope you are OK an will catch up with you soon again on your thread.  Thanks again  Hope xx

Hi Hope,

Lovely to hear from you and thank you for your support.  I am so glad your Mum is still with you and you were able to celebrate her birthday together; however I understand how emotional it must have been for you.  There have been so many things that I've had to deal with in the past year that my emotions continue to be all over the place at times, however I am getting through it with the support of family and friends and the wonderful people on this site.  Thanks again and let me know how you are.  Hope xx

Morning Hope

Pleased you are having some better days. Emotions seems to run riot at times and then we have those calmer times. I even find some tv programmes can set me off when I least expect it (needing rapid bathroom break!!).Can't even explain why sometimes.  Tomorrow is Dad's 'anniversary' so will wear my Marie Curie daff in rememberance (then usually stays on for the month) (he was looked after for last weeks in their hospice with such care and consideration for the whole family). Sadly having to cope with Mum constantly asking that I give her good news that she can 'just be rid of life' - difficult mainly  because physically she is well and is asking after everyone else and sorting out family birthday cards with me so its not as though she has 'switched off' just does not like being dependent on others and with the homes fees now being increased from next month its going to be a difficult time in a few months as she will have to be moved somewhere else. To be honest I am dreading contacting her Social worker again (they  have not  been in touch since Mum turned down their previous offer and told them to stay out of her life!! as she could fund herself!!). Hey ho will cross that bridge eventually.

Will  be keeping  you in my thoughts and sending hugs.  Jules x

Morning Hope

Pleased you are having some better days. Emotions seems to run riot at times and then we have those calmer times. I even find some tv programmes can set me off when I least expect it (needing rapid bathroom break!!).Can't even explain why sometimes.  Tomorrow is Dad's 'anniversary' so will wear my Marie Curie daff in rememberance (then usually stays on for the month) (he was looked after for last weeks in their hospice with such care and consideration for the whole family). Sadly having to cope with Mum constantly asking that I give her good news that she can 'just be rid of life' - difficult mainly  because physically she is well and is asking after everyone else and sorting out family birthday cards with me so its not as though she has 'switched off' just does not like being dependent on others and with the homes fees now being increased from next month its going to be a difficult time in a few months as she will have to be moved somewhere else. To be honest I am dreading contacting her Social worker again (they  have not  been in touch since Mum turned down their previous offer and told them to stay out of her life!! as she could fund herself!!). Hey ho will cross that bridge eventually.

Will  be keeping  you in my thoughts and sending hugs.  Jules x

Hi Jules,

Will be thinking of you tomorrow on your Dad's anniversary.  We certainly do seem to have a lot in common, as well as many other things it is my Dad's on Sunday.  I'm also very sorry that it is so difficult dealing with your Mum; it must hurt when she says she wants to be "rid of life", however like you say it must be difficult to be dependent on others.  Also a worry for you about the home fees.  There is no easy way when our parents get old and dependent is there?  Try and take some time out for yourself too for you seem to always be giving to others.  Take care and speak soon.  Hope x

Thanks for your caring reply Hope.  Really appreciate the understanding.Have just returned from a long lunch with our friends (we treated them as it was her birthday) at a Spanish restaurant (first visit) - absolutely great tapas plus wine (red which I usually avoid) and naughty me - a desert!!  We then went back to their house for coffee and mints and she then drove us home(she hates to be driven so chose to pick us up).  Suddenly I feel 'normal' and hubby enjoyed it too - shedding a few tears - how silly is that!!  Chat soon and thanks for listening.Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Have messaged you on your site, but just to say in reply to your post on here, you are not silly at all at shedding tears.  Sometimes when we are a bit low doing happy things such as spending time with family and friends and feeling "normal" brings such a relief but also brings up all kinds of emotions.  The other day in work a friend noticed I'd been not quite myself and spoke kindly to me, this resulted in me bursting into tears and she felt bad!  I told her it was just that she was being nice that had affected me and that I was grateful for her kindness.  I'm glad that your hubby enjoyed your lunch too and I hope that he will be of support to you also today.  Speak soon.  Hope x

Afternoon Hope

I too have responded on my thread but you are so right about emotions.  Sometimes its the silliest of things that can set you off (others kindness is a very good example).  Work kept me busy and actually I have felt okay today as remember Dad with fondess rather than sadness now. He did live a long life which he always made a point of saying had suited him!!  He was disabled out of the war (lucky to be alive he said, having lost many comrades on the field) and told me that living to 85 had been an enormous bonus (he was just 21 when invalided out) and despite my Mum'smental issues they always coped well as a couple and I  now feel I have inherited his strength  and want to enjoy the life I have been given to the best of my ability.

Hubby has gone to visit a friend this afternoon so have control of the remote and having prepared the dinner am now enjoying the company of some very understanding virtual friends.  Thanks for being one of them and you know I will be keeping you in my thoughts through the coming days.  Gently does it.  Big hugs.  Jules xx

Hi Jules,

I am so glad that today you have been able to remember your Dad with fondness and that it hasn't been too painful for you.  It does give me hope that in time I may feel the same way; as it is things are still too raw for me, so although feeling OK just now am expecting a dip at the weekend.  I think the sunshine helps lift all our spirits though so long may it continue!  I hope hubby had a nice visit to his friend, I'm sure by now he has taken back control of the remote though!  Speak soon.  Hope x

Hi Hope

Just a short message to let you know am thinking of you, especially for this weekend.  Hope you are surrounded by the love of your family and am sure they will undestand if you need 'alone time' too.  Using Beryl's sensible words  take 'baby steps' and let your emotions find their own way along this difficult path as that will be the right route for you. Hugs  Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Thank you so much for your kind message. I have accepted that this weekend is going to be a difficult one; last night I felt overcome with emotion - tomorrow is the actual anniversary date but today seems just as difficult as I remember every detail of my last Saturday with Dad before he died that night. Is hard to remember that Mum was with me and now she's gone too. I have bought some lovely flowers for the cemetary tomorrow and hope the sun shines; I have my lovely family with me too.  Am planning to keep busy, hoping to get into the garden to start work on it - it was very neglected last Summer with all that went on.  Hope you have a lovely weekend, and thanks again for your support.  Hope x

Lovely Hope,

Just like Jules, I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you this weekend.

I hope you manage to get out in the garden - personally, I find this a place where I can really lose myself and 'untangle' my thoughts.

The physical act of tending the garden seems to help with the healing of my mind.

Take care, Hope.

Sending you warm, supportive hugs, especially tomorrow, Jo xx

Hi Jo,

Thanks so much for thinking of me.  I will try to keep busy this weekend.  I hope you are doing OK and enjoying the sunshine.  Hope xx

Good morning hope,

Just like your other forum friends, I am thinking of you today. I came across this picture quote last night and it reminded me of something you said to someone on here, that we only feel so bad because we loved our lost ones so much. Hope you like it.

Take care, best wishes and hugs sent your way, Brian.

                                [[]]