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My Dad passed away when I left the room. I wasn't gone 2 minutes. I'm devastated.

beatrice123
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Not sure if I'm on the right website or not , but reading the posts people have sent breaks my heart , but in a way helps, 

I've been looking after full time, my parents, both with dementia , mum vascular , dad mixed. I work full time, have carers come in from when I'm at work. Dad had permanent catheter and bowel incontinent  soo got to  stage i was more anxious. I got help, took time off work and cared for my parents full time, and obvs there's more going off , not just there personal care ,  but keeping their home n garden up to par type thing. Thank goodness for my younger brother  absolute angel, anyway, Dad went through a lot, went into hospital again blah blah, but enough is enough, he wanted to come back home. It was arranged for his 92nd birthday. Carers, me and my brother would provide 24 hr care,  

Mum didn't and still doesn't understand.

We got Dad home,  my niece came over to give me a break she said go get fresh air  

I said to Dad  who was now on the meds stuff, I'm going for tea bags back in 5 

Wasn't gone 2 minutes , she phoned me come back

He'd gone 

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    i just cant believe  night after night  and through the days at his side , i leave for a short while and he went

  • Hello beatrice123

    I'm so very sorry to hear about the recent loss of your Dad. It's understandable that this is a very difficult time for you, and I hope that you and your Mum are being well supported by family and friends. 

    Your story is one that I've seen shared here on the forum many times over the years. It's not uncommon for people to step away from their loved ones for the shortest of times, and in that moment, their loved one slips away. Why this is no one knows. Maybe it is just a coincidence. Maybe in some way, the dying person waits for their loved one to leave to spare them from witnessing their last breath. Whatever the reasons, please try not to feel guilty about not being there in that last moment. From what you've shared in your post, you and your brother have given both your parents so much love and dedication in the care that you've provided for them, and I don't doubt that in their own ways, they are proud and grateful to you both. 

    I hope that over the coming days, weeks and months, you can be gentle with yourself as you travel through this journey of grief. There will be good days and not so good days. We have some information about coping with grief on our website, and if it would hel pto talk with someone at any point, you're welcome to call our nurses on 0808 800 4040, Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm. There are also bereavement charities such as Cruse and Marie Curie who provide support. 

    Thinking of you at this difficult time. 

    Best wishes, 
    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator 

  • Offline in reply to beatrice123

    Hi Beatrice,

    I know how devastating this can feel, when you have been there right up to the very end and your Dad slipped away in the short time that you've stepped out - this happened when my Mum passed too. The hospice hadn't given us any indication that the end was near, but I felt sure that it was. When my brothers arrived to visit, I told them that I would be staying with her that night. My brothers didn't feel that she was that close to the end, but asked me to step outside with them to discuss this. We walked round to stand outside her bedroom window and she had gone in the couple of minutes that it took us to do this. I understand that, as our moderator Jenn said, this is not unusual. Many people seem to find a quiet moment to slip away.

    You and your brother were there for him when he needed you and also managed to get him home from hospital. Sadly, there was nothing that you could have done for him at the end. Most of us prefer to die at home and I'm glad that you fulfilled this wish for him. 

    I am sending you my sincere sympathy. This will be a busy time for you with all the funeral arrangements and it is not really until they are all behind you that you'll find time to grieve properly. If you find yourself struggling still, please talk to someone - it really does help. Most cancer charities offer free counselling services. Cruse bereavement services are another helpful place to visit. 

    I am sorry to hear that your Mum doesn't understand what is happening, but maybe that's a blessing for her? Dementia is such a cruel disease. I am thinking of you and your family and I sincerely hope that, with time, you will eventually come to terms with what has happened. I am always here for you if you want to talk.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

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