My friend is dying and I don’t know what to do

My good friend told me that her breast cancer had spread to her bones a few years ago. We’d tend to meet up every 2-3 months and through her treatment, we stuck to this as she wanted to try to keep things as normal as possible. I knew the day would come though when she’d say she was too ill to meet, and that’s now happened.

She’s responded to one message with a brief text to say she’ll be back in touch when she can so I don’t want to force anything. I offered to visit but she had politely declined in the message.

I respect that but I also think about her every day and I guess I feel that I never did tell her how much I looked up to her and thats she’s such an amazing person.  But I don’t want to go too full on with a message/ card as she will read that as a ‘goodbye’ message. Or should I? Can I send something to her house?  I also want to respect her space and time left as she’ll want to spend that with family.

if anyone has been through something similar, I’d appreciate any thoughts. I know everyone is different but I thought I’d try here. I also don’t want to make this about me or my regrets but I do think about her a lot and can shake off the feeling that I should be doing more in this situation x

  • Hi OrangeAutumn, 

    It's so sad that your good friend has been so poorly and her breast cancer has spread to her bones. You seem to be such a supportive friend - it's so nice that you carried on meeting her every 2-3 months even through her treatment and you gave her what she wanted, to try and keep things as normal as possible for her and that is truly a sign of a great supportive friend who is there and adapting to the situation but showing her that you still care and you are there to listen. Sadly she seems to be too poorly now to meet up and your approach is the right one I think, to show her that you are there and willing to come to her to visit if she wants to but not forcing anything, letting her show you what is best for her. But I am sure she really appreciates your support and friendship even when you are unable to meet up like you used to. 

    It's hard to know what to do sometimes when a friend or loved one has cancer - you want to show you haven't forgotten your friend but you don't want to sound excessive as you said. I think the best thing to do is simply to follow your heart and trust your instincts. Sometimes a little gesture can go a long way like sending her a little something to her house, a little present, a book if she likes reading or a card, anything really that has your personal touch. I hope that you will get the good tips of other members of our community who have been through something similar and that they will share their thoughts and suggestions with you. Whatever you do, I am sure she really appreciates and values your friendship and support during this difficult time. 

    I also wanted to share with you the information we have on our website for family, friends and caregivers which will give you some ideas about how to support someone with cancer and there is a nice video there with tips from people with cancer about how to talk to someone with cancer.

    You seem to be such a thoughtful wonderful friend though that I am sure you will find the right thing to do even though it is not always easy to know how to react when a loved one is so poorly. I think anyone reading your story will think "what a lovely kind and thoughtful friend!", the kind of friend everyone wants to have! 

    Best wishes to you and to your friend, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator