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I have no words

Waves
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My beautiful husband passed away on Saturday (1st November). His last few days were awful. He couldn't speak, move, just awful. The cancer is his brain took over. I hate writing these words and don't want to upset anyone but I see him in my mind going through all this over and over again. I feel empty, lost, nothing has any point or meaning any more. I cry, howl, walk around in a daze. The hurt is all consuming. I can't imagine not feeling like this and in a way want to suffer like he did. Maybe I could have done more. I was asleep by him when he passed, why couldn't I stay awake? What if I failed him? I ache for him. I am broken. Sorry to distress any one reading this but have to let it out. I know he wants me to live life and one day I will. But, not now.

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    When you have been diagnosed with Cancer, the most important thing is to have your partner with you,.

    You were by his side until the end, please believe me when  I say you did the right thing, he will have passed feeling loved, and I think that is the most important thing in the world , you say you was asleep, but he new you were there, If he was still with us, you wouldn't have been much use to him if you were so tired that you couldn't help him, so don't beat yourself up for falling to sleep.

    Hope things get better for you in the near future, and keep reaching out for support, there is a lot out there.

  • Offline in reply to Markmitch

    Thank you Markmitch. I was exhausted. Its been a very hard journey. I keep thinking how I failed him. 

    I'm going to make sure I accept all the support which is offered. I just saw a lovely friend who was so very kind.

    I hope you are receiving the support you need.

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