Hello Jula12,

It’s difficult to find my words after reading yours. I’m so very sorry to read about the losses of your husband, brother and mum. Having lost my dear mum and dad to myelofibrosis and lung cancer, although grief is unique to each of us, I understand a little of what you have been and continue to go through. 

People don’t speak about how awful it is to witness those you love go through unimaginable pain and feel utterly helpless.
It’s so hard isn’t it? I think you described it perfectly when you used the word trauma. It’s coming up to 7 years since mum passed and dad last April and there isn’t a day I don’t think about them. Life goes on as it has to and that includes laughter and joy but it changes you, how could it not. 
I saw a therapist when mum died but didn’t find it helped me at all. But this year I saw a psychologist and she helped me look at things a different way and she didn’t just let me do all the talking, she challenged me on the regrets, the guilt and an understanding that I can’t blame myself for not saving my parents. It’s a work in progress for me.

I’m not sure if you have sought professional help or perhaps spoken to your Doctor, it’s a hard journey to be on without help and guidance. I very much hope that you will find a peaceful acceptance of what is the hardest situation you’ve had to bear. There is no time limit on grief, no right or wrong ways to grieve. When my dad was told he had weeks to live, I selfishly asked him how we would cope without him, he replied “ you’ll cry, but you will find a way”, my lovely dad was always short on lectures! He will smile seeing me write that….

My thoughts are with you.