Hello Best1, 

I am so sorry for your loss - what an awful year it must have been for you, seeing your husband suffer so much pain, supporting him in the best way you could, still making plans for your retirement. You seem to have been an incredible force of support by his side, reassuring him, being there for him at every single moment when he needed you. Those moments you will obviously never forget and it's so moving that you kept telling him how much you loved him and how important he was for you in your life. All this time while he was in hospital - which must have been truly heartbreaking you were there for him and I am sure he truly appreciated everything you did for him. 

There is no right and wrong way of coping with grief and as you have experienced yourself already in just the space of a few weeks, the cycle of grief is rather complex and the range of emotions you might feel can be varied and confusing at times as you can see in our information on coping with grief. So rest assured everything you are feeling is normal and we all grieve differently there is no right or wrong way to feel as these emotions will change and take you by surprise sometimes. There is also undeniably a sense of relief in the fact that he is no longer suffering as it is so hard to see someone we love so much in pain and to feel powerless.

No one will say it better than someone else who has lost a loved one so I will now let others who have been through this before come and say hello and share their experience with you.

We are all here for you anytime you need to talk and we are thinking of you during this difficult time.

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hello Best1,

A very warm welcome to our forum.

My sincere sympathy on the loss of your husband. I can relate totally to all you say here. My Mum had breast cancer for 12 years. She was diagnosed with secondary cancer 10 years after diagnosis.  At this stage, the cancer had spread to her bones, brain, liver and lungs and she had a miserable 2 years, when they couldn't treat her any more. She was always terrified of death, so we skirted around the issue and she was very much in denial about how serious her condition was. I felt such a hypocrite doing this, but I had to do it for her peace of mind. I will never forget her horror when the palliative care nurses visited her in hospital and suggested that she was being transferred to a hospice. Her face just fell and she immediately said " but that's where you go to die". The nurses quickly backtracked, but they did break the news in a totally inhumane way. Like you, I was so sad to see her go, but relieved that she was no longer suffering and in pain. I found it so hard to witness her suffering, but being unable to ease it for her. This was really torture for all the family.

It sounds as if you did everything you possibly could to help your husband and did your best to keep him positive and looking to the future. You have nothing to castigate yourself for. In our own way, we start to grieve long before we lose a loved one, in such circumstances. It will take time before you can start remembering happier times. I found that Mum's last days stayed with me, for some time before I could do this. The way you feel is perfectly normal. As Lucie says, there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. There are several stages and we all go through them in our own way. Do you have any family or friends to support you? It does help to have somebody to talk to. You are right that life goes on and you do have to live it. I am sure that this is what your husband would have wanted for you. I am glad to hear that you no longer feel so anxious, in case you say the wrong thing - that feeling of walking on eggshells makes a tense situation even harder. It is never easy to pick up the pieces when you have been used to being part of a couple for some time and then have to deal with everything on your own, but it sounds as if you are moving in the right direction. Don't worry about all of the tears that you've shed. This is a great way to reduce some of the stress that you've been under for the past year.

Please remember that you are never alone now that you have found us. Please keep in touch and let us know how you're getting on. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx