Last night I got a message that a close friend was in the hospital on end of life care, I hadn't even known that she had been unwell. I raced to the hospital and sat with her until she took her last breath.
I don't really know what to do now. I'm feeling so angry at myself for not knowing that something was wrong sooner and for letting her suffer without anyone to support her, she hadn't told anyone she had cancer, she was trying to face it alone.
All of a sudden this huge part of my life has just gone, and I feel guilty and selfish for grieving. One moment she was there, and the next she was gone. I'm a single parent and trying to remain strong because I don't want my daughter to see me hurt and upset but I also can't find the emotions to feel because I feel like the grief doesn't belong to me.
I miss her already... I'm sad that I won't see her in town or end up at a party with her or hear about her love life anymore. There is just a big empty gaping hole and I don't want it there, but it's there, and I don't know how to even contemplate healing it because I don't deserve that void... because I feel like I let her down.
