Hello Angry, and first of all may I offer my condolences on your terrible loss.  It is entirely natural to feel angry when we lose someone we love, and we feel that we need to blame someone.  In fact, my husband is going through exactly the same thing as you.  I am terminal, and my husband is convinced that the chemo I had is to blame for the fact that I am now dying.  He says that his biggest regret in life will always be the fact that he allowed me to have the chemo in the first place. Unfortunately, our loved ones do not always receive the care that they deserve.  Many times I have heard stories where people say that their loved ones were neglected and fobbed off, and naturally it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth.  As you say, you can not prove negligence and you would be fighting a losing battle anyway.  I am not really sure what to say to you to make you feel better.......... I can only say that you are certainly not alone in how you feel.  I truly wish you well and once again, I am so sorry for your loss and what you are now going through.   

Thank you Blue-girl for your lovely reply, reading this has made me very emotional. I am so sorry for what you and your husband are going through too. I know there are no words to help you both either, just love each other, talk about the good times and make as many memories as you can. It's all we have in the end. 

It's not as daunting to find out as you might think it is, but it does take some effort, and a bit of added stress. Everyone is entitled to receive the basic level of care, and if you think that care fell below that level of care, you can contact the hospital's Patient Advice and Liaison Service [PALS] and relay the information you have given on here, to them.

Macmillan nurses, you can make a complaint directly to them about an individual.

About the chemo, at any point did the hospital go against your direct wishes as guardian, or your husband's wishes (assuming you were the decision maker)?  When it comes to adults, if the patient is deemed in sound mind, any and all treatment has to be discussed with them, or their legal guardian if they aren't deemed to be in sound mind.

Chemo is a difficult one. It's pure poison, no two ways about it, and to receive it, you need to be deemed "medically fit". Not the same as being able to run a marathon etc, but the patient needs to meet certain criteria. Was this criteria met?  My wife had two types of chemo when she had breast cancer. The first type she handled pretty well, the second [docetaxel] hospitalised her each time, without fail. The treatment all began to damage her liver. When it came to her last chemo, we were both sat in a room having the pros and cons explained to us regarding the last dose of chemo. Normally, the doctors decide, but because it was more grey in my wife's case, the risks were put to her. She decided to to it. She knew what she was going into. They hid nothing from us. Did that not happen with you and your husband?

Thank you so much, and yes, you are right......in the end, we have only our memories, and this is what gets us through the bad times.  Take care, xx

Hi ProfBaw, Thank you for taking the time to reply. I have been compiling a list of questions and complaints to send to PALS, then sometimes I think whats the point?

No, nobody went against our wishes, we signed the consent form expecting a good result like everyone does.  Before the treatment began the oncologist went through the list of side effects {reading from a list} but it was never explained how brutal and severe they could be and how ill it could make him. He had four rounds of chemo over a twelve week period, not once did we see our oncologist during this time, only the nurse to take bloods 48 hours before each session. No one discussed the blood results with us, so we just assumed all was ok, and went ahead with each session as arranged. I don't think he was strong enough for the last session but no one told us otherwise, and he wanted to get it out of the way. We were told the side effects would pass once treatment had finished. They didn't, he became more poorly as time went on then after a hospital stay with sepsis and dehydration he was told he was too weak for any more treatment and there was nothing they could do. I know nothing will bring him back but I feel very let down.  .

Hi Angry, I’m so sorry you find yourself here too. This is my first post and I wanted to reach out to you as I feel so similar reading your post. It truly does leave you feeling lots of emotions, life is very cruel indeed. 
Do you have a good support system around you? 
I’m in my 30’s and lost my lovely brother this January to cancer. It was such a shock for us as he hid so much from us and struggled at home with his partner until she could no longer cope. 
There is so much going on in my mind, I try to forget the worst moments and focus on what he would want me to do. 
I know you say you feel upset and angry, maybe another charity is more deserving than MacMillan and this may put your mind at ease a little. 
I feel so sad that so many people are affected by this wicked disease and can only offer you a virtual hug. 
I hope today is an easier day for you

Hi Myboomie, thank you for your kind reply, and so sorry to hear about your brother, I guess he was still quite young and taken far too soon?  I do have close family and friends to support me, but I worry they'll get fed up with my tears before too long. No one knows how it feels until it happens to them.  I try to remember all the good times too but still find it so hard.  I do have a bereavement counselling session tomorrow on what would have been out 42nd wedding anniversary, so am hoping it may help me cope with my negative feelings. it might be helpful to talk to someone who doesn't know me.

Thank you, virtual hug returned. 

Yes he was only 39 with a little boy who adores him! He managed for many years with several cancers so we are very lucky for the NHS in some ways, we could have lost him several times over the last 12 years. I’m so glad you have close family and friends, I am sure they all feel your devastating loss too and want to talk about your lovely husband. I’m very emotional still 5 months on and cannot see I will ever be able to hold my tears so please don’t ever feel a burden for crying. It shows the amount of love you had for him! I do hope your counselling session goes well tomorrow, that will be a very hard day for you I’m sure what with your anniversary. Take comfort in the little things, I am sure you’re doing better than you believe and he would want you to remember the happy times. Please know negative feelings are perfectly normal in the grief process. Here if you’d ever like a chat. 

Angry, thinking of you on your anniversary today! I hope you’re as well as can be  

Thank you. It was an emotional day. The counselling turned out to be just an assessment, I didn't realise.  I now have to wait around 6 weeks for the real thing apparently.  I cried through the whole hour assessment anyway, so they agree I do need a bit of help, and also encouraged me to send in the NHS complaint. Thank you for your kind words, it's amazing how everyone on this site is experiencing their own grief in one way or another, but still find the time to reach out to others. Thank you.