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Missing my mum so much it physically hurts

kikistaxx
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I lost my mum and best friend in 2021, she had ovarian cancer, had a stroke suddenly, was in a coma and then died within a week. What people don’t tell you is that after you lose a parent you also lose most of your friends- so it’s felt like knock back after knock back and I miss having people to talk (i just want to talk to my mum and give her a cuddle). My parents were happily married for 40 years and my dad moved on 5 months later, they’re now living with together and his girlfriend hates me because mum makes her feel uncomfortable so he has completely left me. I feel empty, lost, alone and genuinely have no one to talk to. I feel as if no one cares. The funny thing is is that really all i want is my mum back. I’d do anything to swap places with her. i can barely leave the house as I get so anxious and just don’t feel safe without her in my life. I don’t know what to do to be the outgoing girl I was? It’s having a huge impact on my relationship and he can’t empathise with the fact that 3 years on, I’m not ok. 
I don’t know where to go and what to do to just end this pain, it’s excruciating. I feel like I’ve totally hit a brick wall and don’t see a way out. 

Any help and support would be really really appreciated. 
Thankyou! 
Kiki 

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    Hi Kiki,

    I am sorry about your loss and that it is still hurting three years, people have different timeframes regards grief and unfortunately, I find that most people aren't really equipped to offer counselling towards friends who have lost loved ones, they can offer their condolences but after awhile they tend to stay away because they can't help other than offering their condolences - I am sure they would like to help in more practical ways but what I have found is they tend to stay away because they feel helpless which doesn't help you but that's the reality of friends or lovers even.

    I am sorry to hear about your dad and his girlfriend's behaviour, that is just awful and there is no excuse for either of them to behave that way. You're in a hard place with it all and there are no easy or simple solutions to any of it but I think what helped me was to focus on the future and put my thoughts of what I want out of it - the facts are my mum is never coming back into this earthly realm but I feel she is with me all the time and I talk to her often, I know she would want me to live my life and achieve things and she actually said that before she left us - there will never be a time where I forget my mother because I never will but I have to carrying on living my life because one day soon, it will be my turn to go. When my mum lost her parents, she was 6000 miles away from them and that is exactly what she did.

    My (and yours...) experiences of loss and grief are nowhere near yet over, I have an 89 year old father who I will lose one day soon - with the best will in the world he hasn't got long left so I will have to deal with another loss and if you live to any length of age then you will have to deal with loss and deal grief, my dad has lost his wife, his parents and all his siblings - if you live long enough like my dad - you will lose lots of people that you love but you have you keep going until it is your turn - every single ancestor that makes you and that makes me has had to deal with grief and loss of people they loved.

    I am sorry that you don't have support or anyone to talk to and I am sorry that you are feeling isolated but I am hoping that you find the path and your way onto happier times soon, take care.

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    Hi Kiki

    The way you lost your Mum was sudden and undoubtedly very traumatic with no real preparation time to get used to the idea of her not being around. I don't think the shock ever goes completely and to happen during the pandemic when everyone's lives were in turmoil must have been very hard. Did you seek any grief counselling afterwards or is this something you would consider now?

    I lost my Mum to ovarian cancer in 2018, the first year was incredibly difficult but I kept going as I became a carer to my grandmother who survived Mum by another 3 years which took up my attention and focus. Sadly we lost her 18 months ago and the last year has been the worst, I think due to compounded grieving. I sympathise with you as I too feel anxiety and loss of direction and I think my circle of friends have diminished as they too experience the loss of parents, jobs, divorce etc. I also put a lot of my low mood down to menopause and losing my job, just bad timing for major life events.

    Ultimately I have concluded that you need a channel for your love and purpose in life, I know that sounds cliched but it's true. Do your best to honour your Mum's memory by finding a new project - anything will do, you can always switch and change if need be. Can you make yourself the anchor for something or someone else? I don't know if you work or not but there are organisations looking for volunteers to act as Befrienders for others who are in need of assistance or to assist with community activities. Find something that sparks a bit of interest and make an effort to go out and seek new experiences, learn new hobbies and create friends along the way, being prepared to not always get it right first time. You will be surprised at how many people doing this do so because they are in the same situation as yourself. Do you have small children around? I found that through working with children they made me smile again whereas working with the elderly with health problems triggered more traumatic memories. 

    I would look at maintaining a good diet, regular exercise and have a chat with your GP if you feel your hormones are involved then start to build a new life with all the experience you learnt from your Mum and the confidence that she taught you when you were younger. You will be able to do this, I know it's not easy but you have to start somewhere and with practice it becomes more routine.

    I wish you all the best in forging a way forward and always know you are not alone - there are lots of us, men, women and children, out here all making our way along in life without those who were so precious to us - start looking out for us when you feel all alone. x

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