Hi Annawh and welcome, i am so sorry to hear about your mum and the emotional struggles you are having. Your emotions are perfectly normal, like you i lost my mum to lung cancer and there comes a time when the illness gets worse that you start to grieve for the mum you knew all your life until this horrible disease came to take her away a little bit every day, and though your head might say near the end that you don't want your mum to suffer any more and she will be at peace when she passes, the heart still breaks .Anna you have lost your mum, your best friend someone who has always been there for you, grief affects us in many ways with every feeling and emotion you would expect. You need time to come to terms with your loss and your emotions. i  understand you want to look after dad and your family but you must also look after yourself as well, give yourself a little time every day, to do whatever you feel like doing, please take care.

Eddie