I lost my husband 5 weeks ago. He died at home where I had been nursing him with help from my son and latterly MacMillan nurses. He was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer in March last year but despite chemotherapy he succumbed to the cruel disease at the end of November. It has been so hard trying to process all that has happened. We had been married for 48 years and I have never lived on my own before. Christmas was so difficult and now starting a new year seems so daunting. I still can’t believe it has happened and it all feels surreal. I have times when I feel so much panic and fear. I am trying to be strong but finding it so hard.