Hi all,

My mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2016 and passed away in September 2022. I have BPD, anxiety, and depression so I certainly didn't cope when she first passed. I had a massive breakdown and was having frequent hallucinations/flashbacks that I still struggle with, but have learned to cope with. I'm also with my local community mental health team and have a great support system so I'm definitely looked after. 

However, last week I had a nightmare about my mom dying and I had another last night. They were the most vivid, horrific nightmares I have ever had and they were about how she went delusional and acted similar to a dementia patient towards the very end as the cancer had gone to her brain. That period of my life is one that I can't speak about out loud as it causes me to have flashbacks but I've never had nightmares about it before. It's been over a year and I'm so confused as to why they've started now.

At first, I thought it had to do with the guilt I felt, but then I had a thought that she was making these nightmares happen because she's angry at me. I haven't 'felt' her presence in a while and it's really getting to me. I'm scared that she's punishing me for not being there for my sister enough, and that's such a horrible mindset to have but I can't seem to rationalise it. I'm too scared to sleep at the moment because I can't bear the thought of waking up sweating from another mom nightmare. My mental health has been dipping anyway due to it coming up to Christmas, so my sleep schedule has massively derailed, but this is making me not want to sleep at all.

Has anyone else randomly started having nightmares about their loved one passing?