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CANCER WIDOW /what support or resources are out there to support us ?

Gaywidow
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I am a 52 year old gay male, and my parter  passed away a few months ago from Colon cancer, we were together 19 years ,my partner was ill for many many years with multiple other illnesses.

He was HIV. positive for 23 years, had kidney failure and was on dialysis  for 9 years ,had a transplant that failed, and unfortunately I believe  the anti rejection meds from the transplant ultimately caused cancer ,which ultimately was the cause of his passing.   I was his primary carer it was a full time job for the last few years ,he was my entire world. he was and is the love of  my life and I so thankful I got to spend  time with him ,

I don't expect anyone to  " understand" as I think unless you have gone thu Cancer or being a caregiver ,this you cant fully understand, but I would love to be able to find any  support or a peer group of individuals  that have been  a caregiver and  lost  the loves of there life  ,

I am struggling to find  support,I feel we as widows are forgotten and ,I have researched so much on line ,on on face value it seems there is so much support, but the unfortunate reality  most organization ive  spoke to  put 99 percent of  time and emphasis and resources  is put into the new diagnosis/ and helping  people cope while  living in or with it,  but there seems very very little to  support for us widows who have carried this cross and been in the trenches for years  fighting these wars ,once our loved one dies.

"I find it ironic that  organizations  love to use the word fight attached   " fighting" cancer " fighting HIV , :fighting" homophobia, like its a war, an enemy that we are battling. But military or navy organizations that truly  go to" war"support equally  those in it . going thu it, as well as offering amazing support and recognition for those veterans that battled  and particpated on the front line in these wars  for years,

 I feel I /we and /our front line  contribution /are forgotten and overlooked ,once the person is passed away? 

maybe I am wrong ? but I cant seem see any support out there if anyone knows of anything please let me know 

thankyou.

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    Gay widow 

    so sorry for your loss , I really hope you find support god bless you love Lara xxx 

  • Offline in reply to laraj

    Hello there ,you are so sad and I am really sorry for what you are going through . I also hate this “fighting “talk.

    Have you tried any bereavement groups ,Cruise ?  Also ,the Maggies centres might be able to offer some help too 

    I hope you can get some support soon R 

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    Hi,

    One of my pet hates is all this cancer/hero warrior crap. None of us volunteer for this, there isn’t a conscientious objector option, so we just do our best to get from day to day.

    It sounds like you’ve been through the mill as a couple. When my Mam died of cancer, my Dad went from being a full-time carer to literally having nothing to do. Like you, he received absolutely no support from the NHS or social services apart from the odd leaflet with contact details for CRUSE and the Samaritans. I guess you’ll have received those too. 

    You’ve probably tried Googling till you’re blue in the face but if not, this site might be useful https://livethroughthis.co.uk   

    I also stumbled across this site a few months ago. https://www.griefincommon.com/blog/lgbt-grief-importance-finding-support/

    Your observation about veterans care made me smile as I have a friend who works in that sector and the reality falls short of the media portrayal for so many. The number of homeless veterans with addiction, mental health and chronic physical health problems is heart-breaking. As is the number who end up in prison. 

    I hope you find the strength to cope with your unimaginable loss and to eventually find a way to let some joy back into your life. Until then please use this forum as a safe place to share your feelings. 

    Best wishes

    Dave

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    I detest all that "fighting" and "warrior" nonsense, too. It actually belittles those who succumb to cancer (or any illness for that matter), and those who decide they don't want treatment. Imo, it's a media driven term broken down to its simplest form for the masses. I also get why others say it, but It's quite patronising. When you're faced with this first hand, you soon realise it comes down to is it treatable or not and  will the treatment work or not.

  • Offline in reply to ProfBaw

    Stand Up To Cancer are the worst offenders - a lot of people contacted them to protest but they persist. As you say, it is over-simplistic and can make people who choose to refuse further treatment feel belittled. 

  • Offline in reply to davek

    Hi Gay widow , I’m sorry to hear of your loss. Please ring Maggie’s and make an appointment to talk to someone . They will make you very welcome . I hope you find some support x 

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