Hello Madamejones and a warm welcome to Cancer Chat, 

I am so sorry about your loss - it's so sad what happened to your dad and that he was so thin and frail in his final days. It's totally understandable that you have these images in your head and that they are making you upset. I wanted to send you our sincere condolences to you and your family on behalf of the Cancer Chat team. 

You've been through a lot recently and you will be experiencing a range of overwhelming emotions which are very much part of the difficulty in coping with grief. At the moment, you are having to deal with the tough practicalities of registering your dad's death and having to plan his funeral which is no easy thing and I wanted you to know we are thinking of you during this difficult time. 

I hope that you have good support around you to help you in the coming days, weeks and months. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone, that so many of our forum members have sadly lost a loved one to cancer and I am sure that they will be along shortly with comforting words and to tell you their story. 

Warmest wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Madamejones

Sending you a big hug, I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. My dad passed away with Prostate Cancer last month, having been diagnosed at a later stage in 2021, it was only found due to a pain in his leg where it had spread, he had no prior symptoms we know of. He was on hormone injections and was "ok" until the last few months where he had been suffering more but been putting a brave face on I think, just like your Dad (that's how much our Dads love us). 
He was mostly at home, but in hospital for his last week where in the final few days he had a syringe driver and was hardly awake so I know this feeling. The syringe driver will have been managing the pain so whilst your Dad will have been sleepy he wouldn't have been feeling intense pain in those 48 hours.
I can't say I've stopped being upset as it still very raw for me, or that I don't see him in hospital at all from time to time in my head but this has lessened. I read messages from him and can hear his voice in them and my Dad was a musician so I hear some recordings of him and I have photos on my fridge so I see his smile when I wake up. I wear the jewelry he chose for me. It's bittersweet but it all reminds me of who he was before the illness, as the illness was not him and I want to remember him for him. It takes time but I think you will in time do this too. I'm sure you have so many memories of him, talk about those with those you love whilst you plan the service if you can but be kind yourself and go at your pace. Xx