Hi EliseIris,

How are you getting on?

I have been very up and down with the grief over the last few weeks. I am still finding that I get days or even weeks where the sadness feels much more intense. Easter in particular I felt very low. It's very disorientating. 

I hope you are doing well.

Xx

Hi Lulu

Thank you for checking in. 
I have been up and down over the last weeks. Sometimes it doesn't feel real but when I stop from being busy it hits me again that I'm never going to see him or hear his voice again and it's dehabiliting . I have had some nights I wake up in a panic or from a nightmare and it's quite scary.
I am still having a bit of a hard time questioning how well I looked after him in his last weeks and my demeanour towards him as I was always so tired and stressed, thinking I hope I wasn't horrible to him or frustrated and more I would like to say. I have booked in with a grief counsellor.
How are you doing this week? 
Hugs to you

Hi EliseIris,

I completely understand the ups and downs and losing your dad not feeling real. Its five months since I lost my Dad and I still feel that way. I can sometimes get a few days where I just feel sad but when the debilitating waves of grief come it still feels unbearable. It is the finality of losing Dad that is the worst feeling and sometimes when I think of my dad it feels like he's been gone for years. It's so confusing. 

I'm sorry that you are questioning how well you took care of your dad. I don't think there is a more stressful situation that someone can be in than losing one of your most loved people to cancer. I cared for my dad to the best of my ability and despite everyone telling me (including my dad) that I did a great job the guilt I felt lasted for months. I think it was a form of self torture, I don't know why my brain does this but oftentimes I will blame myself even when deep down I know I couldn't have done any more. These feelings of guilt have faded a bit and I hope they will for you in time. 

It is evident that we love our fathers very much and evaluating what we did just reinforces this. 

I have been a bit better this week, thanks. Easter felt terrible, the sadness was excruitating and didn't feel like it would lift at all. I have been focusing on exercise as this has always helped me in the past. My dad told me to keep moving my feet and I feel that he is with me. 

I hope you are doing well. If you ever want to chat please feel free to message. 

Xxx

Hello EliseIris, 

I lost my Dad a month ago and came across your posts as I am missing my Dad terribly at the moment. I visit his grave each day. I don't know yet if I find it comforting or not, I just don't like the thought of him not having a visitor. I think as time goes on I'll find a place where I will feel his presence most; just not sure where that will be yet. 

I know you mention not having many recent photos. But even the way you mention forgetting to take them as you were just too busy enjoying the time with him; isn't it very special and comforting now to know you were focused on him entirely at those times, and not glued to your phone or carefully manoevring him into place for a photo? It shows how much you truly savoured and enjoyed all the time that you spent together. And maybe you don't have photos from those times, but you do have all of the memories. Why don't you eve try jotting down those memories on paper or something like that? You'll be able to preserve all the small details of them then. When my Dad was first diagnosed we didn't take photos either; my Dad was very smart and I knew he would think we were taking them in case he wasn't around in the future. Our Dads are clever EliseIris and I think we were right not to do anything that might upset them. Especially as I used to worry my dad would see me taking photos and be upset, but wouldn't say anything to me. 

I know what you mean about work. I work as a (very junior) doctor and I am dreading going back to work. I'm worried about being surrounded by all these sick people, a lot of whom will recover, when my Dad didn't. I realise we cannot stay off work forever. So I'm going to go back part time for the moment and build it up. Is this an option for you in your job? It might be a way of easing yourself in without the full days of work. I hope getting into the routine might be a bit of a distraction too?

I know it feels like by losing your Dad you feel you're losing a part of yourself. I feel the same. My Dad was my best pal, we were two peas in a pod.. people used to say I was my dad minus the moustache! It's so hard now, but I know my dad would be very upset and actually probably annoyed if I didn't try get back out and live my life. I take a lot of comfort from the fact that my Dad lived such a full life before he passed away. I know he had no regrets. And I know he would want so badly that I did that too. I'm sure your Dad would hate to think of you suffering. I think it sounds like you are doing the best that you can; it is all so raw still. I really believe when you love someone as much as we loved our Dads , that that love does not just die when they pass; you will always have your dad's love with you and I will always have mine. So I think just keep taking it one day at a time, and be kind and gentle to yourself. We will get through this xx

Hi EliseIris,

I hope you are doing ok. 

Two months on from losing your Dad is still very recent and the grief is so raw. It will soon be six months since I lost my Dad and I think about him constantly throughout the day. I am still keeping busy and focusing on exercise has given me a goal to work towards which is helping. The sadness persists but in the past couple of weeks it has felt slightly more manageable. I was on a walk the other day and felt like I could hear my Dad telling me that I was coping well. It lifted my spirits as I know he knew how much I would struggle with losing him, but he is giving me the strength to persevere. 

I'm sorry that you feel upset about not having as many recent photos of your Dad. Photos are something that I find very upsetting too. My phone broke in May last year and through my own stupidity I hadn't backed up my photos. At the time I didn't know Dad was ill and i was upset because all of my photos of my dog as a pup were on there but when I lost Dad it took on a whole other meaning as there are photos of him I may never get back. My brother has taken it to see if he can retrieve the  photos but he hasn't been able to so far. He will try again but I've told him I'm in no rush as I can't bare the thought that I might not get them back. I can see some of the photos in my mind, Dad sat on a bench with my pup and everytime I drive past I can visualise him there but I would love the photos back. 

I think there is so much going on when caring for someone who is ill that photos are not at the forefront of our minds. You will never forget your Dad or all of the special memories that you have together. 

Sorry to hear that work are expecting normality. Unless someone has been through something so traumatic and profound as losing a loved one then I don't think they can understand. 

Even though things have felt slightly more manageable since Easter I still feel in disbelief that we lost Dad. This time last year we were getting ready to take a holiday and we thought Dad just had back pain. I still feel very much lost without him and it's like trying to figure out who I am all over again. 

Sorry for delay in replying. I sometimes find it difficult to read on these forums if I'm not in the right headspace. 

Xx

Thank you both Lulu and Lucia for your replies and sorry it has been a while since I have been here, just been navigating my way through the best I can.

I'm glad you have been able to find your spirits lifting slightly lulu.

And most definitely that love stays Lucia, I remember distinctly my dad telling me "all that love doesn't disappear cause I'm not here".

But I still just want one more Dad hug and to hear his laugh, Im still thinking of my Dad everyday and often talk to him out loud as though he is still here.