Hi EliseIris,

I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. 

I lost my Father four and a half months ago and its the most traumatic and life altering experience I've ever been through. 

My dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2020, he had surgeries and treatment and we thought he would be cured. We found out in September last year that the cancer had returned and sadly it had spread. We lost dad only two months later. 

My dad deteriorated rapidly after diagnosis, he went from being fit and active to being unable to walk or do things independently. As soon as we found out I moved in with my parents to provide care and support. The 8 weeks we had with dad after diagnosis was incredibly difficult. Dad ended up confused and agitated and he had to go to hospital which he hated. Initially I tried to work from home but it wasn't possible so I took a break from work. This period was incredibly stressful and I am plagued by thoughts that I was at times frustrated when dad wouldn't listen and sit down ( he was unsteady on his feet). 

At first doctors thought it was a new cancer as dad's original cancer (throat) was curable and apparently didn't spread like it had in dad's case. I spent a lot of time researching what might help and hoping he could be treated. I feel guilty for this as it was time I could have spent being more present rather than looking for things that could help on my phone. 

I was told on a Thursday that the cancer was the original one and dad went into hospice on a Friday. Dad passed away 4 days later and we were all with him when he passed away. 

We are a close family (dad, mum,my brother and I) but dad and I have such a special bond. My dad is my everything and losing him still feels unbearable nearly 5 months on. The way I can describe the loss of my dad and the grief is like a constant heaviness and sadness that I carry around. It's always there but some days or weeks the pain is like a sledgehammer and it feels like there is no escape. 

I understand what you say about it feeling worse a few months on which in itself is disorientating as I think we all hope it will hurt less not more. I feel completely lost without my dad, he understood me better than anyone and he is my favourite person in the world. We saw each other everyday and the void that's been left will never be filled. 

I have been able to take a break from work thankfully but I have been keeping myself busy which does help. I try to honour my dad by looking after my mum and by keeping moving like he told me but it's very difficult. 

I am speaking with a councellor who has said even at nearly 5 months my loss is very raw. People apparently learn to adapt although this doesn't seem possible right now. 

I'm sorry if my post is all over the place. It's very difficult to try and summarise everything that happened but I relate to your post and I'm so sorry you are going through this. 

Sending hugs

Xx

Hi Lulu

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me and I am sorry to hear about your Dad and that things are still painful for you. 

I would guess people say to you "Your Dad wouldn't want you be sad" etc but doesn't help does it. Like you my Dad seemed to be the only one in this world who really understood me or had the patience for me (I suffer with extreme anxiety at times and talk over the same thing over and over until it drives people mad). It is exactly as you say like a sledgehammer some days and I've had three days this week where I barely want to get out of bed.

We have had to clear his home as it's housing association and we've kept a lot of personal items of his. But the charity shop have been very rude about taking the of last of his things and this has been quite upsetting for me, his books, kitchen stuff, shoes and last pairs of jeans etc. Seeing them poor stuff out on the floor and rifle through it without much of a thank you really got to me, I should have walked out with it but am in quite an emotional state to fight such things.

I've had two months off work already, one to care for him and one following his passing. Like you I tried to work at home but it was impossible so I stopped. I was due to go back when he went into the hospice but I called and said no and I am glad I did that now. I'm now going in next week but if it doesn't feel ok I'm walking out, some things are more important.

Guess we have to try to keep going day by day as they say but I cry everyday right now.

Hi Lulu

Hope you're doing okay today? Work has been a distraction but then a certain song comes up on the radio or family in conversation and things are incredibly hard again.

I too loved the conversations I had with my Dad, not only a great support but a great wit and wisdom. I was reading over your previous comment also about how you regret getting frustrated in those last months and I too regret some of our interactions but have been trying to remind myself that it is all the love and memories over a lifetime that really count, these months are just a snippet of time within our lives with them. My Dad once said to me "All that love wont go anywhere just because I'm not here" and he was right. I am trying to remember this but it's not easy. Sometimes I almost feel guilty if I have a happier moment or manage to laugh at something, like how dare I , I know he wouldn't want that for me but the brain is cruel like that.   

There was one night in the hospital where he held my hand and tried to talk to me and then he fell asleep and I wanted to talk to him too that night but lost the words. He lost his voice shortly after that and I missed my chance, but I know he loved me as he said it all the time and I said it to him a lot too so I guess that's the most important thing. I was also exhausted when caring from him that in the last month I was also asleep at times when I'd like to have spent more time with him, (he was often awake at very early times of the morning and I struggled with burnout)  

It sounds like your relationship was a strong one. A bit of frustration here and there wouldn't change that.

Big hugs to you 

Hi EliseIris,

I'm doing ok, thank you. I hope you are too. I'm glad that work is proving to be a distraction. I understand about songs or certain topics causing sadness. One of the things that I find quite disorienting about grief is the unpredictability of it. One minute I can be coping ok and then something triggers a memory and I can be in floods of tears. 

I agree about the time when Dad was ill just being a snippet and that it's the years of happy memories and love that counts. My dad deteriorated so quickly that we didn't really get any support from services until it was too late. It was very stressful as I was  trying to work from home but dad needed care and my mum couldn't do it alone. Dad went into hospital in the October and I was having to finish work early at random times as I needed to speak to doctors at the hospital. This caused a huge amount of stress as my priority was my dad but I also take my job seriously and was being pulled in all directions. I think this caused some frustrations as I felt I wasn't doing anything well. Nothing bad happened but with hindsight I wish it wasn't as chaotic but that's not how life and illness is. Work were supportive and when I took a break I could completley focus on my dad. I did get to spend a lot of time cuddling my dad, talking and sitting with him and I know that he trusted me to look after him and he felt safe which gives me some peace. 

Your dad is right about the love not going away. My dad told me that love transcends and never dies, he will always be my dad and I will always be his daughter. My dad also told me that I mustn't be sad and i need to accept the natural process of life. My brain is kind of the opposite as when I'm sad I feel like I'm letting my dad down and then I feel guilty. I know my dad would hate me to be sad but it's unrealistic to think that I can just carry on as normal after such a profound loss.

It is evident that you have a very special bond with your dad. I think if you have had that close relationship consistently then sometimes there isn't anything else that needs to be said. I couldn't have spent anymore time with my mum and dad and when people say it's the chance to say all of the things you haven't said, there was nothing I could think of, as like you said, we knew how much we loved each other. 

I hope you are ok. If you ever want to chat I am here. 

Xx

Hi Lulu

Thank you, I am also here too perhaps we can help each other through this.

Your last paragraph bought me some comfort, we were very close and have a lifetime of i loves yous, laughs and thoughts. I sincerely hope he knew, but sometimes its nice to say these things and clarify just cause its good to hear them and still wish i had. But I have been thinking today and there were some good things in the last weeks.When we spoke about my fiance being a good man I told my Dad i'd grown up with a good example of what a man should be.  He always thanked me for my help when i left his place and said i'd been amazing and i told him he was amazing and that I loved him.

I think he was trying to console me that day that he held my hand, that he was ok as he had said how much fun he had had and good memories he was taking, thats true love for like no other, that he would try to console me on his death bed and not the other way around.

You are not letting him down in being sad, he would understand i am sure of that.

Take care

xx

Hi EliseIris,

How are you getting on?

I have been very up and down with the grief over the last few weeks. I am still finding that I get days or even weeks where the sadness feels much more intense. Easter in particular I felt very low. It's very disorientating. 

I hope you are doing well.

Xx

Hi Lulu

Thank you for checking in. 
I have been up and down over the last weeks. Sometimes it doesn't feel real but when I stop from being busy it hits me again that I'm never going to see him or hear his voice again and it's dehabiliting . I have had some nights I wake up in a panic or from a nightmare and it's quite scary.
I am still having a bit of a hard time questioning how well I looked after him in his last weeks and my demeanour towards him as I was always so tired and stressed, thinking I hope I wasn't horrible to him or frustrated and more I would like to say. I have booked in with a grief counsellor.
How are you doing this week? 
Hugs to you

Hi EliseIris,

I completely understand the ups and downs and losing your dad not feeling real. Its five months since I lost my Dad and I still feel that way. I can sometimes get a few days where I just feel sad but when the debilitating waves of grief come it still feels unbearable. It is the finality of losing Dad that is the worst feeling and sometimes when I think of my dad it feels like he's been gone for years. It's so confusing. 

I'm sorry that you are questioning how well you took care of your dad. I don't think there is a more stressful situation that someone can be in than losing one of your most loved people to cancer. I cared for my dad to the best of my ability and despite everyone telling me (including my dad) that I did a great job the guilt I felt lasted for months. I think it was a form of self torture, I don't know why my brain does this but oftentimes I will blame myself even when deep down I know I couldn't have done any more. These feelings of guilt have faded a bit and I hope they will for you in time. 

It is evident that we love our fathers very much and evaluating what we did just reinforces this. 

I have been a bit better this week, thanks. Easter felt terrible, the sadness was excruitating and didn't feel like it would lift at all. I have been focusing on exercise as this has always helped me in the past. My dad told me to keep moving my feet and I feel that he is with me. 

I hope you are doing well. If you ever want to chat please feel free to message. 

Xxx

Hello I thought I'd drop by today and see how everyone is doing? 
I'm finding things particularly tough this week on the two month mark since my Dad died and 6 weeks since he was buried. I went to his grave this week to lay flowers and it felt so surreal and terribly sad at once. He is in a beautiful place, but it's no less heart wrenching.

To upset me more I have found in the last week I don't have as many recent photos of us together as I'd like; I have been asking friends and family for some. I was often forgetting to take them when we were together and I was really enjoying talking to him and spending the time. I occasionally noticed on Father's Day day or birthdays in the past (when I only had old photos he'd seen before to post on social media) I thought I must take new ones and then just forgot again when we were together. They are not everything and I have so many memories but this makes me feel guilty now and I worry I upset him by always forgetting to take some when he was newly diagnosed. I didnt in last weeks as he wouldn't want to be remembered being frail.

My job also now expect me to now be raring to go, back to normal and a whole new set up and it's a battle to just get up in the morning. Losing my Dad has been losing a part of myself and one of my reasons to live. 

Hello EliseIris, 

I lost my Dad a month ago and came across your posts as I am missing my Dad terribly at the moment. I visit his grave each day. I don't know yet if I find it comforting or not, I just don't like the thought of him not having a visitor. I think as time goes on I'll find a place where I will feel his presence most; just not sure where that will be yet. 

I know you mention not having many recent photos. But even the way you mention forgetting to take them as you were just too busy enjoying the time with him; isn't it very special and comforting now to know you were focused on him entirely at those times, and not glued to your phone or carefully manoevring him into place for a photo? It shows how much you truly savoured and enjoyed all the time that you spent together. And maybe you don't have photos from those times, but you do have all of the memories. Why don't you eve try jotting down those memories on paper or something like that? You'll be able to preserve all the small details of them then. When my Dad was first diagnosed we didn't take photos either; my Dad was very smart and I knew he would think we were taking them in case he wasn't around in the future. Our Dads are clever EliseIris and I think we were right not to do anything that might upset them. Especially as I used to worry my dad would see me taking photos and be upset, but wouldn't say anything to me. 

I know what you mean about work. I work as a (very junior) doctor and I am dreading going back to work. I'm worried about being surrounded by all these sick people, a lot of whom will recover, when my Dad didn't. I realise we cannot stay off work forever. So I'm going to go back part time for the moment and build it up. Is this an option for you in your job? It might be a way of easing yourself in without the full days of work. I hope getting into the routine might be a bit of a distraction too?

I know it feels like by losing your Dad you feel you're losing a part of yourself. I feel the same. My Dad was my best pal, we were two peas in a pod.. people used to say I was my dad minus the moustache! It's so hard now, but I know my dad would be very upset and actually probably annoyed if I didn't try get back out and live my life. I take a lot of comfort from the fact that my Dad lived such a full life before he passed away. I know he had no regrets. And I know he would want so badly that I did that too. I'm sure your Dad would hate to think of you suffering. I think it sounds like you are doing the best that you can; it is all so raw still. I really believe when you love someone as much as we loved our Dads , that that love does not just die when they pass; you will always have your dad's love with you and I will always have mine. So I think just keep taking it one day at a time, and be kind and gentle to yourself. We will get through this xx

Hi EliseIris,

I hope you are doing ok. 

Two months on from losing your Dad is still very recent and the grief is so raw. It will soon be six months since I lost my Dad and I think about him constantly throughout the day. I am still keeping busy and focusing on exercise has given me a goal to work towards which is helping. The sadness persists but in the past couple of weeks it has felt slightly more manageable. I was on a walk the other day and felt like I could hear my Dad telling me that I was coping well. It lifted my spirits as I know he knew how much I would struggle with losing him, but he is giving me the strength to persevere. 

I'm sorry that you feel upset about not having as many recent photos of your Dad. Photos are something that I find very upsetting too. My phone broke in May last year and through my own stupidity I hadn't backed up my photos. At the time I didn't know Dad was ill and i was upset because all of my photos of my dog as a pup were on there but when I lost Dad it took on a whole other meaning as there are photos of him I may never get back. My brother has taken it to see if he can retrieve the  photos but he hasn't been able to so far. He will try again but I've told him I'm in no rush as I can't bare the thought that I might not get them back. I can see some of the photos in my mind, Dad sat on a bench with my pup and everytime I drive past I can visualise him there but I would love the photos back. 

I think there is so much going on when caring for someone who is ill that photos are not at the forefront of our minds. You will never forget your Dad or all of the special memories that you have together. 

Sorry to hear that work are expecting normality. Unless someone has been through something so traumatic and profound as losing a loved one then I don't think they can understand. 

Even though things have felt slightly more manageable since Easter I still feel in disbelief that we lost Dad. This time last year we were getting ready to take a holiday and we thought Dad just had back pain. I still feel very much lost without him and it's like trying to figure out who I am all over again. 

Sorry for delay in replying. I sometimes find it difficult to read on these forums if I'm not in the right headspace. 

Xx

Thank you both Lulu and Lucia for your replies and sorry it has been a while since I have been here, just been navigating my way through the best I can.

I'm glad you have been able to find your spirits lifting slightly lulu.

And most definitely that love stays Lucia, I remember distinctly my dad telling me "all that love doesn't disappear cause I'm not here".

But I still just want one more Dad hug and to hear his laugh, Im still thinking of my Dad everyday and often talk to him out loud as though he is still here. 

Thank you both Lulu and Lucia for your replies and sorry it has been a while since I have been here, just been navigating my way through the best I can.

I'm glad you have been able to find your spirits lifting slightly lulu.

And most definitely that love stays Lucia, I remember distinctly my dad telling me "all that love doesn't disappear cause I'm not here".

But I still just want one more Dad hug and to hear his laugh, Im still thinking of my Dad everyday and often talk to him out loud as though he is still here.