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Loss of mum

Maisy140210
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My mum passed away on Wednesday, she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in October 2019 and came to live with me, my husband and my Daughter (now 13) straight away. Her latest scan in January (got results middle of Feb) showed the cancer had spread slightly and she had a small amount of fluid in her stomach but the consultant wanted to leave her on current treatment for another 4 weeks and scan again. On the 2nd March her skin and eyes started looked to look yellow and her stomach swelled so I took her A&E (rang consultant first to be told by secretary he was away and she didn’t know what to suggest) she was admitted and then passed away on the 15th which from what I believe was organ failure due the cancer.

I am absolutely heartbroken and can’t bare to go into her bedroom. I thought yesterday mother days would be horrendous but I didn’t cry once, I have cried all previous days but yesterday nothing. I am now racked with guilt that I wasn’t upset, I feel like my mum is looking down on me thinking I don’t care. I know I am nowhere over my mums passing and will most likely burst into tears again very soon but I feel guilty when I’m not crying. Is this normal? 

  • Hi Maisy140210,

    I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and I wanted to send our condolences. No doubt you are going through an incredibly tough time at the moment.

    Be kind to yourself - certainly don't feel guilty. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this - there isn't really a 'normal' and everyone experiences grief differently and deals with it in different ways. You may find that your emotion comes and goes, and in different forms. It sounds like you did a lot for your mum and no doubt she would be proud.

    If ever you feel like you're struggling and would like a bit of extra support, have a look at Cruse. They have a lot of helpful information on their site, as well as a helpline.

    We are also always here for support on the forum if ever you need it. I can see you have posted elsewhere in reply to someone - hopefully you can find others to reach out to, as well as getting further replies here.

    Look after yourself, and wishing you all the best,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline

    Backing up what Ben says, don't feel guilty.

    I lost my mum on 10th March, she was 54, this all come unexpectedly after finding out only a week before that she had cancer, it was all a whilrlwind and Couldn't imagine life without her, my best friend in life. But now we have no choice which is the cruellest part of life. I miss her more than words could ever describe, the hole in my life is huge. 

    I cried everyday from finding out until 2 days after she passed and then this last week I've been ok (apart from looking at photos where I always shed a tear) and like you I felt a bit guilty that I wasn't crying more for her. However I look at it this way, I'm hurting inside and no amount of crying will help, our mums would want us to continue with our lives the best we can, life is too short and we need to continue to live our lives, in their memory and practice what our wonderful mums taught us over the years.

    Theyll be watching down on us and spurring us on. 
     

    All the best and take care. 

  • Offline in reply to DanJ93

    I completely agree, I lost my mum 3 days ago after her being diagnosed 6 weeks ago, she was so poorly since we found out. I cried all the way through her illness but today haven't cried, Im not sure it feels real yet so I think I'm still in denial , everyone is different, im Ok and then stupid things set me off like thinking about her clothes hung on the bedroom door and small things like that.

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