my mum passed in the early hours of 31st of december. My mum had been diagnosed with breast cancer just before Christmas 2021 and she began treatment after the new year. With an operation followed by chemotherapy.
Mum never let herself rest. We all had to watch as she was determined to keep life the same as normal but we could all see that she was struggling. For as long as i can remember, sh had always had this long thick plait, the day she lost the last remaining piece of her hair, i just remember her sobbing. The woman that i had never seen cry was broken. Something not even domestic violence could do to her. The surgery made her feel like she had lost her femininity and the loss of her hair made her feel like she had lost the last piece of herself that she had.
The weeks following up to her passing, she didnt have the energy to do anything but sleep. But she would fall asleep at the kitchen table because she didnt want to be in bed, she could bare to think that she might never get out of it. I admit that in my desperation to get her to go to the doctors or the hospital, i was cruel to her. In my family we had a saying ‘if your not going to do anything about it then shut up about it’. I forced her every night to climb the stairs up to her bedroom and go to bed.
She developed pneumonia after she had covid (how she got it is a story for another time as there is court proceedings happening right now so alot of details on my mums story i cant get into yet). She was persuaded that first time to go ti the hospital because her oxygen levels were so low. She was there for days on high pressure oxygen. When her oxygen levels finally stayed up, she came straight home, even though it was against the doctors wishes as my mum was terrified of the hospital. Her fear was that people died in hospitals and people go in and never come out. The pneumonia never went away, she had it for weeks and was on all different kinda of antibiotics to try and get rid of it along with all her other medications. The nurse would come to the house to take bloods and do vitals and everytime, she was told that she needed to go into hospital but she refused.
In the last 2 weeks she didnt eat, no matter how much i begged. She barely drank anything. Not even her trademark cup of tea.
She lost consciousness at home as several people begged her to go to hospital. She didnt want to die but she was so afraid and so incredibly tired. Even though the paramedics got her heart restarted, she never regained consciousness. I was there as she took her last breaths in a+e begging for the doctors and nurses to do something. Anything. But nothing could be done.
My mum was gone. She couldnt be strong anymore.
It feels as if she gonna walk through the front door and tell me to put the kettle on. I think I’ve compartmentalised it and am also just pretending that shes just gone away for a while and will be back soon. I even say goodnight to her bedroom door as i always have and i can almost hear her voice saying i love you too. I pretend everything is normal and barely ever cry but sometimes when i try to remember her and her love, i just cant stop sobbing. Ill cry myself to sleep, like i did in those first few weeks and then wake up and go back to pretending and trying not to think or feel.
Its been 3 months and the birthday is the 19th of march, the same day as mothers day. I am dreading it. Ive tried so hard to keep it together. But i just feel like im falling apart and i dont know how to put myself back together again. I dont know if this even is actually grief because i have been told by a family member just after her passing that im a stone cold *** that doesnt have any fealings and i guess im just looking for some help and maybe a little bit of validation so i dont keep feeling like im loosing my mind and hating myself for not feeling as much as i should.
