I am so sorry to read your post this morning for the passing of your lovely Mum. I am also sad to know you have the added stress of covid and court proceedings which just adds to the emotional heartbreak you are going through. Your Mum went through a lot of pain and suffering as did my Mum and it really hurts when they have gone to look back on those awful memories of what they went through. 

To be feeling as if she hasn't really gone and she might walk back into your home is completely normal, I did this for the last 10 months and it is only now I am actually starting to feel the reality hitting me. We protect ourselves when we lose someone, not all of us do this but I certainly did. I formed a bubble around me, only slightly chipping away at the enormous realisation that my Mum, my best friend, my world had gone and wasn't coming back to this life. I face the loss for moments at a time, sob and sob, feel real heartache then I have to distract myself or I would go mad with grief. Pretending they haven't really gone is self protection. As humans we need to face grief in parts, if we faced it full on it would certainly overwhelm us so I think what you are going through is absolutely normal and probably in a way helping you deal with the enormity of it all. 

I am also dreading Mother's Day, my first without my Mum, I feel sick at the thought. You are not a cold stone *****, you are someone that has lost their Mum and going through grief. Grief is an unique journey, we all walk the path of loss but we all deal with it in different ways. There is no right or wrong way. I know I am only just starting the proper grief, I just want her back desperately and I am struggling with this. Be kind to yourself, surround yourself only by people that are kind and supportive to you. Protect yourself, try to give yourself care, in a way we needd to self heal after losing a loved one, its such an emotional traumatic life changing event. We are here if you ever need to talk. Your not alone. 

Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my mum on Wednesday and I feel exactly the same. My mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 3.5 years ago and came to live with myself, my husband and daughter (now 13). I was with her when she took her last breaths but although she was in hospital and they had told me there was nothing more they could do, it just happened so quickly. 2 weeks ago she was fine, having her treatment and up until Sunday she was talking away. Then Monday came ans she just deteriorated rapidly.
 

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I cried all day but Saturday only a little in the morning and nothing yesterday. Her bedroom door has been closed since we came home from the hospital, I can't bare to go in there but I think like you I have convinced myself it's not happened but I am also wracked with guilt that I am not crying and I feel like my mum is looking down on me thinking I don't care. 
 

I know when the funeral is arranged I will fall apart but I just feel so guilty I'm no crying 24/7. I also feel racked with guilt I didn't tell her I felt about her, I honestly thought she would come out of hospital so didn't have that conversation with her and then it was too late as she couldn't communicate with me. 

I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your mum, and all the hurt you are feeling right now. I lost my mum right before Mother's Day, so I understand how it feels to be surrounded by other people celebrating their relationships with their mothers. Trust me when I say that it will get easier, it was 28 years ago that I lost my mum from Ovarian cancer, I still think about her often...and I admit it feels strange that I'm older than she ever was, but however hard it feels fir you now, it will get better. I was angry for quite some time because of certain things that had happened in her care (or lack of care), and also our GP had sent her away for months saying she was just constipated (at first he insisted she must be pregnant), so the cancer had spread to her colon by the time something was finally done, but then I realised that the anger wouldn't bring her back and it wouldn't benefit me, so I tried to focus only on the good times...and it helped a lot. I would still tell her things and imagine her laughing, she always laughed a lot. 

I know you're hurting now, but know that there are people here sending you positive vibes and support, and are wishing you well. And you will feel better as time passes, and one day you'll realise that although you still miss her, that you can think about her and feel strong and happy for all the time you spent together. I'm 50 now, and I've had some really difficult times in my life, but I always think about how strong and brave my mum was, as she really was and it sounds as if your mum was brave and strong too, so let that guide you and give you strength too, as she probably wouldn't want you to be sad and suffering because of her, after all, she was your mum and she loved you and wanted you to be happy.

As for people thinking you're cold, I had the same problem. I had to take care of everything so I just got on with organising and getting up each day as it was all I could do to keep it together. People avoided me as they didn't know what to say, my family stuck together and shut me out. I was my mum's carer, I gave up my job so I could look after her, and even when she was really ill and I had to see it, she made me tell everyone else that she was doing well as she didn't want them to worry. So when she passed they blamed me and resented the time I spent with her, so I shut myself off from everyone and just did my best. Then two years later, I broke down at work...I had no idea why, but I felt broken and couldn't function properly. I saw a practice nurse at the surgery as my GP thought it was hormonal and sent me to see her. She said she thought it was grief, and that I'd actually been in the denial stage for a very long time, so everyone acts differently. My dad painted the bathroom the day after my mum passed and at the time I thought he was heartless and uncaring, now I know that it was the only way he could cope with it. Do what you need to do to look after yourself, but try not to shut yourself away from others like I did. Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers, so maybe go to a bereavement cafe if you have such meetings near you, or even phone a helpline or just chat on here. 

Sorry for the long reply, but having been there I do understand how you feel. And having also been through situations where my mum was treated quite badly (I will say that the hospice nurses were fantastic though, I wouldn't have coped without them), and I felt angry about it. Try not to let it rule your life, as anger and resentment don't help anyone. Just look after yourself in whatever way you can, even it means curling up under a blanket with a hot chocolate and a good book, just take care of your own health, physical and mental and don't let other people tell you how you should or shouldn't feel as only you know how you really feel.

Anyway, try and stay strong...it will get better in time.

Cherry xx

Dear Maisy,

I'm very sorry about your loss. Sending you hugs and hoping the funeral goes well. 

Take care of yourself xx