Dear Sunny256,

I'm so sorry you lost your mam and are missing her so much.  I lost my mother many years ago, but it was very different for me, in that we were never close.  She was not a loving mother.  I read your post and just want to give you a huge hug.  It may feel awful now - of course it does, that's totally understandable.  The way the rest of your family is dealing (or not) with it may be their only way of coping.  But for you, the loss, especially right now, can't be suppressed and that's understandable.  If you can, think of how lucky you were to have had such a loving mother, that you were best friends, as you say.  Remember all the good things, the good times.

Maybe consider buying yourself a pretty journal book and start writing down everything - happy memories...and even not so happy ones, if you need to.  And, perhaps, write down things you would say to your mam.  Tell her the things you would each day.  I want to believe that people's spirit never really leaves, that maybe she will be watching over you, with love, all the time.  And, perhaps, when those important times you mention - maybe getting married, etc. - she will be there in spirit, because, you see, she still lives in your heart, in your memory, forever.  In some way, you can "talk" to her whenever you wish, whether out loud or writing it down.  You may not be able to physically see or hear her, but her spirit is still alive in You.

 I remember when I lost my Gran - she was so dear to me.  Her passing happened when I was very far away and she was very sick with cancer, too, but elderly, so it was not unexpected.  Still, that didn't lessen the feeling of loss and hurt.  But one day I was finally able to visit her grave and I found myself feeling so low and sad.  All of a sudden, in the grass, I saw a small bunny hopping around, so sweet.  It may sound silly, but...it almost felt as though that was a sign from my Gran, trying to make me smile, to reassure me she was fine, that she wanted me to be happy.  I don't know.  This sounds so trivial when I write it down, compared to what you are going thru right now.

But it sounds to me as though your mam loved you so much, she would not want you to remain so unhappy for the rest of your days, missing her.   Of course you're grieving and it still feels raw.  But maybe try "talking to her" via a daily journal.   Or, perhaps, if you are able, do something in her memory to raise funds for a cancer charity.  There are so many ways to do this - the coffee mornings, fun runs, so many ways to do something special.  Every year I see thousands of people run marathons (or mini runs) to raise funds, in memory of someone they loved and lost to cancer. That could be one way to focus your grief and use it for something positive.

I hope something I've said helps, if only a bit.  I'm sending you hugs and hope you'll start to feel better.  I know it will never be the same, but there are things you might try to help yourself cope.  Talk to friends, too, if you have good friends.  And if they're not helpful, there are organisations you can call on to talk about your grief.  Just, please, don't let it consume you.  I'm not saying forget her or stop grieving.  But you may find ways to keep all you loved about her alive in your every day - by writing to her, "talking" ...Even talking to oher people who've experienced similar losses - so important, because you may wind up helping someone else as much as yourself.  And doing something in her memory that helps others would be a really positive thing in so many ways.  Live the best life you can.  I get the feeling that's what your mam would have wanted most for you.

many heartfelt hugs,

teeMin

Hi teeMin

thank you so much for your kind words, they have brought me great comfort and I have reread numerous times. I am going to try the things you have suggested. Thank you for giving me some hope that things might get better. 

Like TeeNin I Iost my grandmother a long time ago she brought ne up from Birth I called her mam ,it took me a long time to get over her death but gradually I did ,I too remember my first Birthday without her I was heart broken and it took a full year before I turned a corner and saw a glimmer of light and was able to think about her without breaking down ,its a horrible thing to go through and I know how you feel ,Tee has suggested some lovely ideas in which to help with the process it will all help and it will become less painful and then every new experience you go through you can in some small way include your precious mam whether it be Birthdays weddings or having a baby I'm sure you'll feel her presence at every milestone ,Best Wishes Jenny .

Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it