Cancer Research UK main site

Numb but in pain and lost

Gem59
Offline

I lost my husband at the end of October last year and I feel I've lost my self too

I am  Numb but in pain and lost.

He had terminal colorectal cancer but he wasn't in pain for the most part so they say that was a blessing, nothing about Cancer is a blessing. 

I looked after him at home where he wanted to be and that's where he passed away.

I can not process the fact he's gone after nearly 39 years of marriage, I can't find him I need him to come home I don't understand why my soul mate had to go. 

We were the perfect pair, i am  a typical Gemini two sides to one person he was a libra and he was my balance 

I know I'm not the only person to have been robbed of a loved one to that stain on existence called Cancer but I felt if I put it in words it may be a way of trying to make sense of it all 

Reading this back now it still doesn't help. 

Some people are angry with their loved one for leaving them, I'm mad at the thing that took him away from me. 

Well the tears are falling more than ever so thank you if you read this. 

Someone said that sharing your feelings with others can help, I don't know. 

 

  • Offline

    Hi there .. so so sorry for your loss .. 

    There is no sense to anything about cancer .. it's crule and has no compation... I've lost 7 close family in a few years .. the hardest being my 18 year old granddaughter... 

    So know your not alone ... there's no easy way round grief ... l try to concentrate on the good memories... cancer wants us just to think of the painful ones .. don't let it .. 

    No one can take your pain away .. it's just taking one day at a time and holding on to loved ones and this is a good place for putting feelings down .. so all I can do is send you a vertual hug... Chrissie x

  • Offline

    Hi Gem,

    I am sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. I too am lost with grief it's a terrible emotion. I lost my partner back in January. He hadn't sent me my usual goodmorning text, I thought he had overslept, it was 8.45am so walked up to his house imagine my horror when I found him in bed in a forever sleep, he looked very peaceful. Autopsy showed he had extensive heart disease luckily he was not aware of this. Such a shock as he seemed a very fit person, daily walks for two hours across the fields and very rarely sat down. I am still in shock, like you keep wanting him to come home, miss him even though we did not live together as he was only at the end of my road. I do get angry, I shout at his photo then cry because i feel guilty at doing that. I have now been diagnosed with cancer and I am so lost. He was always there for me. I have family, friends and work is so supportive. So I know exactly how you feel, I was widowed 17 years ago so I know with time it does get a little easier but it's the here and now that we have to worry about and it is a very hard road to go down. I hope you have  good support to help you.

    Take care

    Squibsy

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.