Hi MrsPT

Firstly I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mum. It's so incredibly difficult. I hope you're looking after yourself and giving yourself time to process it. 

I lost my Mum to bladder cancer in Dec 2021 so just a little over a year ago and like you have had to find a new normal with my Dad so wanted to reply. 

It can be so difficult, particularly in the early days when you're still getting used to not having your Mum around to then also having to support your Dad through his grief and different life.

My situation is a bit different in the sense that not long after my Mum passed, my Dad was also diagnosed with cancer and is currently undergoing treatment so I tend to spend more time with my Dad than I probably would do otherwise. I can still work from home which has been a bit of a godsend but if I was at work,  twice a week visits and daily phone calls is more than likely what I would do. 
 

On the days I don't see him I tend to phone him in the morning and evening - I think probably more for my own sake than his as sometimes I'm sure he doesn't actually need both calls! He's also taken to model building and painting by numbers which fill his time when he doesn't feel up to going out or isn't seeing friends. He has good support from friends and family who call regularly so it's good that your Dad also has other people around. Do try and encourage him to connect with those friends because it will take the weight from you. It might take him a while but I find gentle encouragement can get there in the end. When I see my Dad and he's feeling ok I tend to make sure we go out for a coffee so we're not sitting about the house. A change of scene! 

You say your dad can look after himself. Does he like to potter? I found thinking of jobs to do round the house for him kept him occupied but also I think helped him process things in his own way - which was by not talking about the loss of my mum much. 

It's tough but what I've learned is I'll never be able to take my Dads pain away, I'll never be able to fill the gap in his life and there will be times that I'm sure he is lonely and your Dad may be the same as they get used to life without our Mums. You can only do what you can and be there when you can and honestly that's the hardest thing I've found to accept because you want to be there. Much easier said than done to accept I realise. 

I wasted a lot of time and energy trying to second guess how my Dad was feeling and what he needed because I was scared to ask for fear of upsetting him but now I just bring these things up and whilst it can be hard, it saves extra stress and I've found in time we've formed a better relationship as I was always much closer to my Mum. So I would say just go for it and speak to your Dad, it might be tough but in the long run will help you both. 

I don't know if any of that is helpful but go easy on yourself. No one really talks about how losing someone can really change family dynamics and the extra stress and worry that can bring. In time you'll both find a new way and your Dad will get used to being on his own, much as it's so hard. 
 

sorry this is really long. Your post just really resonated with me. Happy to chat anytime.

Kat