Lost my dad 22/1/23

I am broken... Thankfully i have brothers and sisters to lean on, but i really need my dad... My dad was diagnosed with nasalphaynx cancer just before new year after being rushed to hospital early hours of xmas day with a nose bleed. We visited every single day, bought him anything he needed. And Spent all visiting hours with him. He loved us all so dearly. His wish was to be brought home so if he did pass, he would pass in his home as he was terrified of dying alone. We managed this.. every day since xmas day when he got put in hospital i have cried.. every memory, every photo every smell i cry... But 2 days ago i woke up and I cant cry anymore. I don't feel the same heartache when i see his photos. I still feel pain but not the gut wrenching struggling to breathe or see through the tears pain. Like i did before. I am struggling to remember my dad, his voice mainly.. and I don't know why my mindset literally changed over night i want to cry i can feel it but for whatever reason i just cant. I am so scared i am forgetting him already and we havent even had his funeral yet. I have a thousand thoughts through my head at once i feel guilt, pain, shame, anger , sad all at. Once what's wrong with me why cant i cry anymore why am i forgetting already ️

  • I know these feelings. Really well. Feel free to message me at any point xx

  • I just don't know how people get through this . it's like I want to fast forward time. 

  • Allow me to share a poem with you that some one shared with me. Apologies If you aren't into this kind of stuff but I related to it x

    THE LOSS OF A FATHER

    Is the anchor pulled from the seabed 
    the steering wheel unhinged
    the mast split by lightning 
    and the bow broken by storm.

    The ship that you sailed 
    until now 
    feels unsafe 
    no longer weather-proof 
    and without direction 
    or brave heart 
    to speed its way.

    Perhaps you did not even know 
    that he was your compass 
    that you gazed upon his lead 
    like a North-star in the night.

    He gave you all of this 
    you see 
    without notice or congratulation 
    diligently 
    consistently
    continuously guiding 
    always showing the way 
    in the way he knew how.

    And whilst you are cast adrift
    I know this to be true
    you will anchor yourself once more my friend 
    when you realise 
    that his voice still speaks 
    still guides 
    still brings brave heart your way 
    in the roughest of storms .

    And the answers you seek 
    he already planted deep 
    within your heart 
    for he knew one day 

    you would need to sail alone.

    So he buried little pieces of himself 
    within your heart 
    your mind 
    your spirit 
    and your soul 

    little breadcrumbs of love 
    to show the way 

    forevermore.

    Donna Ashworth
     

     

  • I'm so sorry for your loss. 

    This sounds like my beloved Dad. He was off his food for 2-3 weeks and the doctors said he had heartburn. 23 days after receving a cancer diagnosis, he passed. 

    I feel so many emotions. Anger that he left so quickly and we didnt get one last holiday, upset at how fast he declined, confusion as to how it could happen so fast....the list is endless 

    You're right- grief is a hard road. A friend told me its the price we pay for love and my level of grief shows me just how amazing my Dad was x

  • Awe Jo.  That is so meaningful and hopefully one day I will feel strength from my dad . Xx

  •  

    Hi

    yes it sounds similar I do you mind if l ask you what your dad diagnosis was as my husband was signet cell gastric cancerl have not came across anyone that has had it and it takes a person very quick when it is diagnosed my husband was stage 4 at diagnosis.Your so right it's the speed it takes your loved one in is very hard to grasp.Thinking of you l think you and l are coming from the same place.x

  • He was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer but it had spread to his liver and they also think stomach. They were shocked that he was a non smoker and non drinker because of how aggressive it was. We were also told it didn't present itself until it was 80% covering his oesophagus which is why he had no real symptoms. By the time of diagnosis it was too late and he didn't even get palliative chemo as it had literally griped hold of him xx 

  • That's so sad my husband only symptom was not eatin for 2 to three weeks it took them twevle days to find it and he died twevle days later he got one round of chemo it's so vicious when it just creeps up out of now where.

  • Just a little update from me. 
    it was my beloved Dad's funeral yesterday. It was the most perfect send off for him and I honestly could not have wished for it to go any better. It broke my heart but I found the strength to read out a poem I'd written while sat by his bed at the hospice. The turn out was incredible. We had to have a TV And sound system outside. It just showed me how loved my Dad was by everyone who met him. I was so touched that these people wanted to pay their respects and say goodbye. 
     

    also, I did decide to go to the chapel of rest. Single most hardest thing I've ever done. It didn't look like my Dad at all but he looked so peaceful and pain free. He looked so very smart too x  I'm glad I went however I did advise my Mum not too as I don't think she would have coped. 
     

    I feel a sense of relief today. Like I know he is finally at rest and peace. The 4 week limbo I've felt I was in has left and for me it's confirmed that he's now free.xxx