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Losing my mum

May888
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I lost my mum to pancreatic cancer 7months ago. It feels like yesterday. I was staying with my mum the last few weeks of her life in hospital. I was there until she took her last breath, and it's so painful to witness someone I love die. 
 

the sense of pain and loss is unbearable. I miss her terribly. My heart aches to see my mum. Everything happened so quick. From being diagnosed to my mum passing away was 3 months, she didn't even get to start chemo. Part of me is glad she didn't start chemo as I know my mum would been suffering, and with chemo the end result would be the same, just that chemo buys you a little more time. 
 

I find it hard to talk to family and friends, as I feel burden on them. I don't want to go to the doctors, as the NHS is already stretched as it is, plus it's difficult to even get through to the doctors. I know there are charities that can help, like cruse, but I don't feel any amount of talking to someone will ever ease the pain. For the past 7 months I've been secretly crying in my room, to avoid my dad seeing me in so much pain. Plus I don't think he knows how to react, as there was one time I burst into tears and he said don't be sad, mum is no longer here and she's no longer suffering, I know this is true but I just want someone to support me and tell me it's ok, 

I yearn and ache to see my mum again, part of me wishes I could die and be with her. 
 

I know everyone says time is a great healer and it will get better, but I don't feel like that will ever happen. My mum and I were so close, we would speak everyday for at least 3/4 times a day. She was my everything, and now she's longer here, it's hurts so much, literally it feels like someone has ripped my heart out, 

 

i know that no one lives forever, but for me is difficult to get my head around how quick she went and how cruel the cancer took over. 
 

I want to know wherever my mum, that's she is ok. I wonder if she can see me and what's she doing. I would do anything to hug my mum, 

im very stubborn is asking for help, as I feel there are other people to who need it more than me. 

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    Hi May888

    I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my mother 12 months ago and I still cannot believe it when I say or write it... What you are feeling is normal (although I do not like using this word - who gets to decide what normal is?). People will tell you it is not "normal" to be in so much pain after 7 months. I read something the other day that felt so true "if you cannot understand why someone is grieving so much and after such a long time consider yourself lucky".

    I can understand your pain. I cannot feel it cause I can only feel mine and so does your father, sibblings etc. I struggled a lot to hide my pain when I was around my father until I started having panic attacks and I found that the more I would try to keep it in, the more it would freak me out when my father was around. One day just a couple of months after my mother died I burst into tears and his response was "what is this now?". This has changed. I spoke to him and we made an agreement! If he wants to help me he needs to be understanding and accepting every time I want to cry. What I found is that after our "agreement" he also started being more open to his pain and we now often cry together! It's like waves now, that come and go. Talking to your father might help both of you deal with your pain.

    Therapy has also helped somehow. I am still in pain that very often gets unbearable but talking to someone an hour a week without feeling a burden helps. This is not the time for you to think about NHS being stretched or other people needing help more than you. It is time to look after yourself. 

    I wish I could tell you that the pain gets better. For me it has not, for many others it has. I was extremely close with my mother, like you were sweet May888, and every day is a struggle. But I find that good memories have started to come back slowly and the awful ones are still there but not as strong and intrusive as they initially were. This forum also helps to see that there are so many people feeling like you and you can always share what you are feeling here.

    Accept what you are feeling, feel it and ask for what you need.

    Sending you a big hug!

  • Offline in reply to Betty52

    Hi Betty52

     

    I'm sorry for your loss of your mum. 
    like I mentioned before, it's so difficult to pass this pain. I know in time it'll get easier.  I gave up my job to look after my mum until she passed, then look after my dad. So I haven't worked for the past 7 months, and I think I have so much time to think, I'm constantly thinking and missing my mum. The ironic thing is I start a new job at the hospital where my mum passed away. Though it'll be hard but I'm doing this for my mum. I hope she would be proud. 
    I think I need a routine.

    my main worry is my dad. I've been with him day and night since my mum passed, now I worry when I go to work, how he'll cope on his own during the day. 
     

    i just wish I could communicate with my mum and she could let me know how or what she's thinking 

     

    x

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  • Offline in reply to Betty52

    Hi Betty52

     

    I'm sorry for your loss of your mum. 
    like I mentioned before, it's so difficult to pass this pain. I know in time it'll get easier.  I gave up my job to look after my mum until she passed, then look after my dad. So I haven't worked for the past 7 months, and I think I have so much time to think, I'm constantly thinking and missing my mum. The ironic thing is I start a new job at the hospital where my mum passed away. Though it'll be hard but I'm doing this for my mum. I hope she would be proud. 
    I think I need a routine.

    my main worry is my dad. I've been with him day and night since my mum passed, now I worry when I go to work, how he'll cope on his own during the day. 
     

    i just wish I could communicate with my mum and she could let me know how or what she's thinking 

     

    x

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