Hi May888,

I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother.

Your post resonated with me and I wanted to respond.

I lost my father on 15th November, 8 weeks after a cancer diagnosis. Dad had throat cancer in 2020 and we thought he was cured but he developed back pain in April and in September we got the devestating news that it was metestatic cancer in the bones .

Prior to diagnosis dad was a fit and active 70 year old man and his only symptom was back pain. I was hopeful that they would be able to treat dad and extend his life but dad deteriorated rapidly after getting the news and those 8 weeks were very difficult. Even if dad hadn't of deteriorated I don't think he would have wanted to be sick with chemo. 

My dad and I were the closest in the family and I saw him several times a day and I only live up the road from them. When we found out that dad was unwell I moved back into my parents house to provide support. I was also with dad when he passed away and although this was incredibly traumatic I'm glad I was able to support him. 

When dad was first diagnosed and the weeks in which he deteriorated I would regularly get messages from friends and work colleagues checking how we were all coping but this has now stopped. I have an older brother who lives abroad but it is different for him as dad and I were much closer so he doesn't fully understand the huge void that dad's passing has had. It feels very isolating and like no one fully understands or I am expected to just carry on. 

I used to be able to talk to my dad about anything and everything and there was nothing that I could say that he didn't seem to understand. My mum on the otherhand is much more quiet and I am just not able to speak to her in the same way. I randomly burst out crying throughout the day and she often doesn't know what to say and she doesn't have the same questions or feelings of guilt that I seem to have either. People tell me that I don't have anything to feel guilty for but I felt like I should have been able to protect dad from this somehow as he always said I knew what to do. 

I relate to the thoughts of wanting to be with your loved one again. I feel like my 'old life' ended when my dad died and there is a constant physical ache that has been there since. I am struggling to go back to my own house as dad was helping me to redecorate and he would call in a couple of times a day and everything reminds me of him. It feels like my life ended with that news in September and stepping back into my house feels like stepping into a life that no longer exists. 

I spoke to the GP after dad passed away and she was also dad's GP. She said my sadness was a normal grief reaction. I haven't spoken to her since but I have stated to see a councellor and have had two sessions so far. I find speaking to someone who is external for an hour a week helpful in the sense that I want to talk about my dad as much as possible. I'm not sure about waiting times as this is just something I arranged myself. 

I am struggling massively with the loss of my dad and I also don't feel like it will ever get better. He was my greatest joy and support in life and It's like the light has gone out of the world but dad told me I must keep moving forwards. So I'll keep trying for him.

Please never feel that you are a burden or that services are too stretched for you to seek support. I am confident that your mum would want you to have as much support as you need. 

Sending best wishes,

X

Hi Iulu86

I'm sorry for your loss of your dad. Thanks for sharing your story.

It's so hard losing my mum. I've moved in with my dad, as my dad wouldn't cope on his own. 
everyday I think about my mum.  I do find it hard to open up and share my emotions with someone (hence why I've come on this forum) 

It's difficult to chat to my siblings. My brother and I are close but its difficult to talk about our feelings. even though we have spoken about my mum, but no one knows how much pain I'm feeling.

My sister and I are not that close and communication has deteriorated. 
 

i always has this mask, where on the outside I look ok, but deep down I'm hurting. 
I hope one day my pain and the hurting will ease. 
 

x

Hi May888

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my mother 12 months ago and I still cannot believe it when I say or write it... What you are feeling is normal (although I do not like using this word - who gets to decide what normal is?). People will tell you it is not "normal" to be in so much pain after 7 months. I read something the other day that felt so true "if you cannot understand why someone is grieving so much and after such a long time consider yourself lucky".

I can understand your pain. I cannot feel it cause I can only feel mine and so does your father, sibblings etc. I struggled a lot to hide my pain when I was around my father until I started having panic attacks and I found that the more I would try to keep it in, the more it would freak me out when my father was around. One day just a couple of months after my mother died I burst into tears and his response was "what is this now?". This has changed. I spoke to him and we made an agreement! If he wants to help me he needs to be understanding and accepting every time I want to cry. What I found is that after our "agreement" he also started being more open to his pain and we now often cry together! It's like waves now, that come and go. Talking to your father might help both of you deal with your pain.

Therapy has also helped somehow. I am still in pain that very often gets unbearable but talking to someone an hour a week without feeling a burden helps. This is not the time for you to think about NHS being stretched or other people needing help more than you. It is time to look after yourself. 

I wish I could tell you that the pain gets better. For me it has not, for many others it has. I was extremely close with my mother, like you were sweet May888, and every day is a struggle. But I find that good memories have started to come back slowly and the awful ones are still there but not as strong and intrusive as they initially were. This forum also helps to see that there are so many people feeling like you and you can always share what you are feeling here.

Accept what you are feeling, feel it and ask for what you need.

Sending you a big hug!

Hi lulu86

sounds very similar. I'm a private person too, but when people do ask, I do tell them how I'm feeling. I sometimes sense people only ask as they want to be polite. A lot of people now don't ask.

I have kept so much sadness and pain bottled up, as I don't feel like talking to an stranger. I find it hard to talk to my family, I'm worry I'll upset them. It's a like a vicious circle. 
 

I feel I just have to let the pain out and somehow try to deal with the grief. I'm always the one that people rely on, but I just wish I had that one person I could rely on. 
 

the ironic thing is a start a new job at the hospital where my mum passed away. 
 

i just wish there was a way to communicate with my mum. I miss her so much x

Hi Betty52

I'm sorry for your loss of your mum. 
like I mentioned before, it's so difficult to pass this pain. I know in time it'll get easier.  I gave up my job to look after my mum until she passed, then look after my dad. So I haven't worked for the past 7 months, and I think I have so much time to think, I'm constantly thinking and missing my mum. The ironic thing is I start a new job at the hospital where my mum passed away. Though it'll be hard but I'm doing this for my mum. I hope she would be proud. 
I think I need a routine.

my main worry is my dad. I've been with him day and night since my mum passed, now I worry when I go to work, how he'll cope on his own during the day. 
 

i just wish I could communicate with my mum and she could let me know how or what she's thinking 

x

Hi May888,

I relate to what you said about being the person that people rely on. My dad was my go to person and although he relied on me for some things it was very much mutual and I knew I had a person who I could always go to and who would be there with words of wisdom. If anything broke dad would fix it if I felt down he cheered me up. He is so special to me and I miss him so much.

When dad became unwell in September I was initially working from home but I had to take a break as dad needed more care. I have since taken an extended break from work as mum now needs lots of support but i feel like I really have no one to support me or anyone to listen. My brother and I are close but he lives abroad so mum relies on me for everyday things now.

My dad dealt with all the finances and mum was kind of just happy to have an easy life but she has lost a lot of her skills and feel a huge pressure to support her now that dad is no longer here. It is difficult as prior to this I was living in my own house and I have always very independent but now feel like my old life is gone. I don't know who I am anymore. 

I think maybe i'm having a difficult day but see no light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I don't know how I'll ever feel like my old self again. 

Starting a new job sounds like a positive move. I will go back to my own job eventually just not sure when as I definitely do not feel able to at the moment.

Sending best wishes 

X

Hi lulu86

i think your right about starting a new job being positive. But part of me thinks I should of found a part time job instead, as I know I'll constantly be worried about my dad on his own during the day. Like I mentioned, I've been with my dad 24/7 for the past 7 months. Obviously I have left him on his own for few hours before, but once I start the new job, he'll be on his own majority of the day. Though he said he's happy watching tv, surfing the internet, but it's that worry as he's elderly and worry if he trips etc.

For you, I think return back to work when your ready. Like you said everyone grieves in their own time. Like you, I have my difficult days and see no light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I never knew losing my mum would be so hard and painful. Sounds horrible but I dread when my dad goes. 
 

I really hope in time our pain will get easier. I was told, you never stop grieving, you learn to cope. 
maybe once I start work, and I have something to work for and have a routine, maybe I can heal. 
 

X

Hi May888,

I understand the concerns about your father. It sounds similar to my own situation with my mum. My parents did everything together with dad being the person in the lead and since dad has passed away mum is completely lost. I am still living with her but she hasn't been left on her own for more than an afternoon. I am going to spend the next few months trying to help mum develop her skills before I even think about going back to my own house (only live near by) as I think she will struggle. 

I am going to take at least the next 6 months off work and then reasses. Losing dad has been horrendous, it is something I have dreaded since I was a little kid but the pain and sadness is like nothing I've experienced before.

Today I felt angry and cheated that it happened. If I think about it and how quickly dad deteriorated and passed away I just end up crying. I miss him so much. 

I am trying to keep busy and there is lots to do on mum and dad's house which I've been helping with. I feel that dad would like me doing this as he never got the chance to finish what he wanted to.

The counsellor said that grief is like a jigsaw puzzle. There will always be a peice missing but you can build around it. It kind of makes sense it won't go away but we carry it with us. 

Wishing you the best for your new job.

X

Hi lulu86

i think we are both in similar situations. But with me I don't like asking for help. I'm very stubborn when it comes to that. On the outside everyone sees me, and they think I'm ok.....mainly because I tell them I am, but deep down I'm not and sometimes wish someone can see through that and be there for me. 
 

I'm hoping the first(s) of birthdays, Mother's Day, or any special anniversaries will get easier. 
 

we both do anything for our parents. 

Thanks for sharing your story. We should come back here in 6 months time, hopefully time is a healer and we both can get back to ourselves again. I think starting the new job is a step forward.

x