Hi,

I am so truly sorry for the loss of your husband, 46 years of age.....its so young and although any age dying of cancer is heartbreaking and devastating to pass away at 46 is just so cruel. I can't imagine how you are coping with 2 young children to protect as well as yourself. 

All I can say to your post is yes there have been many people in my life that have ignored the death of both my parents in the last 6 months, they have walked passed me and barely acknowledged their deaths, its not only completely ignorant but also extremely unfeeling and hard-hearted. People make excuses such as "they find it uncomfortable", "they don't want to upset you by saying the wrong thing", "They don't know what to say to you" etc etc. Well I simply think what a load of rubbish! Saying anything is better than saying nothing, showing kindness takes zero effort on their part, handing you a bunch of flowers and giving you a hug without words is something, sending you a card and writing a note inside, there are so many ways to show support to someone who is going through the worse time of their life. There are no excuses for doing nothing. 

Your not vile, its simply they probably do feel uncomfortable but I don't think anyone should allow a feeling of this nature to allow themselves to offer no kindness or support to someone they know going through a loss of their loved one, especially when there are children involved, you need all the love and support in the world. People tend to put their own feelings before yours. They would rather pretend it hasn't happened, its easier for them to deal with. Some people also feel nervous around cancer and death, almost like its contagious, so they stay away. Humans can be such complex creatures.It baffles me though. 

Concentrate now on you and your children and the people that have been there for you. I know it sounds harsh but don't give head space to those that have let you down, you need to be focussed on you and your family, doing everything you can to care for yourselves right now. What you have been through is brutal, you need to retreat and give yourself time and self-care. I know its difficult, but I have had to squash down the feelings of anger towards some people, one being my sister (I say this word very loosely) after my Mum passed. I won't allow her to hurt me anymore with her behaviour, I need to process the loss of my parents and thinking of her just makes me so angry and I don't need those negative feelings right now, she and them are not worth our emotions.

I am glad you are recieving external support, and you have support from some members of your family. I sometimes think a life changing situation shows us who cares and who doesn't, it weeds out the ones that don't have our best interests at heart. Take good care of yourself and your children and know we are here for support too if you need to rant, talk, share anything, anytime.

Jane x

Hi, 

I am so sorry to hear the news of your husband, I know that there will be no words that can help right now but please be assured that you and my children are in my thoughts and I hope that this offers you some comfort.

It breaks my heart to hear that you have not received the love and support from your friends and some family members during such a difficult time. I just cannot comprehend why people act this way. As Jane stated, kindness and thought costs nothing and people underestimate how even a short text can make a difference even for a brief moment.

You are certainly not a vile person, far from it. People just do not know how to handle death and have a fear of it but do not realise the impact that this has on the person grieving. 

Last week, I lost my dear Dad to Lymphoma and I am heartbroken. He had been ill for 3 years but did not tell the family that he only had a short time to live and was rushed into A&E on Christmas Day. Like yourself, I am disappointed that friends and family have not been more supportive even those who have been through the same and I was a rock to them. In general, people are very wrapped up in their own lives and just cannot seem to put their own feelings aside for the benefit of others.

When friends of mine lost a parent, I sent flowers and cards without hesitation, I have not received the same and it hurts. I have to accept that others just do not share the same compassion and empathy as I do. 
 

Please look after yourself as you have been through a very traumatic time. The wellbeing of you and your children is more important than anything right now, those who are not supportive are not worth your time or energy.

Thinking of you all and please do reach out if you need to.

Lulu x

Hi Gill,

I was the opposite, to some degree. I didn't want many people to know. Only close family. But I had to tell a few friends due to prior arrangements etc and then all I got was people contacting me regularly on social media, asking for news about the colonoscopy, the scan, what stage is it, how did the blood tests go, the operation, did they get it all, are you clear....it was, and still is, too much for me. I can actually go for most of the day when I'm at work, without thinking about 'it' until my phone pings. I found it all a bit ghoulish. Imagined them all sitting their 'knitting' like the women by the guillotines, waiting for their phones to ping with my responses. 

I've managed to keep my friends for the most part. I updated them when I felt like it. So everything has to be on my terms, or not at all. So they all know about my recent clear scan and clear colonoscopy and blood test results. 

I hope I don't come across like some selfish, ungrateful bloke, but this is my journey and I want to choose who I sit next to! :happy:  I feel quite at home on this chat forum, to be honest. 

Best wishes to you.

Dave  x

You're not a vile person; it's the people who have been so unsupportive and cruel who are vile, IMO. ️