Losing a mother young

Hi, ive never posted anything like this before but i don't really know how else to deal with it. I lost my mum to breast cancer at 4 years old and am now 22 turning 23 in a few weeks. I never really coped with the loss growing up as my dad was such an amazing parent but as i'm growing into an adult i feel like as every year goes by i feel worse and worse, especially watching my friends grow so close to their mums and i have just never had a prominent female figure in my life. I can't speak to my dad about it in fear of upsetting him or his new wife (nothing against them- they're amazing), but i guess i just feel no one else really understands. I just don't really know how to grieve someone i basically don't even know and feel like it just doesn't compare to people who have lost their parents later on in life. It's something that weighs on me so heavily every day and i just have no idea how to cope with it and don't know anyone else going through something like this. I feel like i lose out on not having the experience of growing up with a mother and just having that bond with a daughter/mother that nothing else compares to, especially in times i feel i just need someone that can be there for me with unconditional love to just take care of me and pass no judgement, like a 'mothers love' is supposed to be. Just seeing if there is anyone else that can relate, thanks.

  • Hi 

    this is strange to read. I am a step mum. My step child was 4 when their mum died. I married their dad a few years later - for some it was too soon but for others not unexpected and for us just right. 
     

    i have known my step child since they were a baby. So our relationship was not a new one but changed.  Like you, their dad was amazing so grief and loss were managed - and I don't think they have 'attachment' issues.  Nothing was closed off, mum was talked about .  Their dad started caring soon after they were born since their mum became ill then. 
     

    but they have grieved over the years.  Sometimes it's been hard for the dad, sometimes for me but each time I think my step child is having to recognise loss.  
     

    this year they got married - a hugely emotional day.  It took place at the church where their mum is buried. When children arrive will they have another grief ... not sure.  

  • This completely resonates with me. I lost my mum when I was young too and have spent years coping with the feelings you're experiencing now. Everything from confusion at grieving someone I didn't know to feeling isolated at watching friends grow closer to their mothers. No other person can replace that love. What you are experiencing is completely normal. Not everyone gets it. 

  • Yes- i think no matter what age or situation we go through this, we just have to learn to deal with grief in our own way, and in my situation i was lucky enough to have an amazing dad and step mum so i had a really good parental figure, but in the end i think i just need to process and grieve the person that is supposed to be there but was taken away. Just being the best step parent you can be and being there for your kids no matter if they are biological or not is such an amazing thing and i will always appreciate my step mum for trying her best to be the best mother figure she can be.

  • It's just so hard- especially with my daughter reaching the age i was when i lost my mum and thinking of her growing up without me breaks my heart, and thinking my mum might of been feeling the same before she passed. But i suppose the people we have lost wouldn't of wanted us to be feeling this way and would of wanted us to be happy, thriving and thinking not of what we've lost but what we had in that short time and appreciating the love they've given anyway comforts me in a way- but if you ever need anyone to talk to i am completely in the same boat and i truly get it how it feels when others might not